Laying in my bed, on a Thursday morning - waiting to pick up hummus - and once again my body becomes agitated with the onslaught of daydreams and constant need for motion.
I'm getting married folks! Although this is not news to most of you, anyone who only reads my blog (whom have all probably stopped due to the severe lack in posts) may not have even known I was dating someone.
In fact, you may even question why I've never blogged about him. Let me tell you, the reason is quite ludicrous and quite frankly a bit childish. I didn't want to jinx it. You see - I have a habit of blogging about people I'm dating (very T-Swift of me). My inclination is toward documenting each and every emotion set forth from an unsuspecting individual. Who knows the reason. But with Sam, I feared blogging about him would somehow end the relationship - so I bottled up those emotions, only sharing them with him and a few close friends.
However - now that I have him captured - I think I may begin to chronicle our life together. So - this blog will transform from "Heather-single-handidly-takes-on-world" to "heather-and-sam-adventure-through-marriage"! GET READY! But first, a farewell to the me who first moved to Denver in August 2014 to the me sitting here now, daydreaming.
This apartment - these walls, the old and rickety windows, the gas stove, and the painted fireplace mural - has seen me go through many a changes in the last two years. I moved here, angry and bitter to be back in Colorado. Trusting God with my life's direction but secretly doubting his ability to provide for me. My heart shattered by what I had, at the time, believed to be a love-gone-sour. The goal for that year was to set boundaries. At the time I had a serious lack of such and was tired of nobody taking me seriously at work or in my personal life. I thirsted for adventure, to be alone, to be captivated by something, and to connect with myself.
Throughout the last two years I dated on e-harmony, turned away from God, came back to God, grew closer with my sisters, and became a new me. I grew to love local foods, organic face cream, and learned to climb mountains (literally). I spent more than a year devoted to a non-profit disaster response organization, quitting my day job and driving for Uber to pay the bills, along with nannying my nephew. Eventually turning to web development before being proposed to and now spending the summer handing out hummus preparing for marriage! WHAT A LIFE!
And now I lay here, listening to my landlord shout directions to the man bringing the new water-heater. Bags of clothes ready for good-will piled all over the apartment, books for donation stacked on shelves, and a perpetual antsyness plaguing me - telling me I must get things done. My heart barely able to comprehend all that will change in the next two months.
I've loved the last two years in Colorado. Loved the parts of myself I said goodbye to, love the parts of myself I've welcomed. The memories I've collected, tears I've cried, and laughter I've shared in this apartment, with these people, will forever be etched in my mind.
To have had the chance to live alone, to go on my own adventures, create myself, was the best thing God could have given me. I look back on the hours driving to Colorado - never knowing what was in store, crying, and I can't help but smile. As I pack up my things and say goodbye to this little apartment - I do so with bittersweet excitement for what's to come and what I leave behind.
What a wonderful thing, to love your life. Here's to the next season.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Thursday, February 19, 2015
It's perfectly acceptable to be too selfish to commit . . .
Some call it selfishness, other's call it freedom, while still others refer to it as being young. I say it's a combination of the three. Through the countless dates with the various men I've dated over the past 6 months I've come to realize one thing - I don't want to date. Peppered among the conversations about childhoods and future goals were daydreams of various places - places void of anyone substantial but God and a few good friends. The very reason I had decided to date at all both perplexed me and gnawed at my conscience. What was I searching for? Did I feel as though it was the time for such new beginnings? Did I have the attention to give someone? Was my heart yearning for something I could not pinpoint? Or was it simply that I listened to the women around me thirst for another mate - and in turn decided I, too, should be on the lookout. As with everything though - reality knocks and welcomes itself in - welcomed or not.
Last night while driving to a date the only thing running through my mind was the fact that I was missing out on training for a 5K and that yoga was going to start at the same time as my date. These thoughts followed by the list of projects around my house I wanted to get done. Consequently ending with the realization that I didn't even feel like going on this date. Thankfully [depending on your perspective] the date was simply a friendly chat void of any romantic connection or desire for more time spent together - I'm fairly certain this was a mutual conclusion. Then it hit me - I like being single.
As I spoke with my friend on the phone I made the realization that I just didn't feel like committing the time or effort to another human being in order to cultivate a lasting relationship. My exact words, I believe, were "I don't feel like consulting anyone about any of the things I want to do." Some people assert that you don't need to consult anyone - that somehow this is controlling - I disagree. At this stage in life people are interested in serious. They want stable - grounded. Someone set in a particular way, to an extent. A person in which they can rely. And I can tell you with absolute certainty - I am not that person. I've never been the grounded type. While I may be down to earth - I intend to roam that earth. If someone comes along - fine. If not - equally as fine. I fear missing out on life, on adventures, on experiencing the newness of everything more than I fear being single. In fact - I don't fear being single at all. So why focus my attention on not being single?
Naturally, I made this an announcement on Facebook and got the obvious response. Other women who were equally content being single and one comment [with a few likes] that I wasn't even 25, how could I be done dating? Simple - I'm not even 25 - why do I need to be dating? Crammed around an already busy work schedule is the time I spend volunteering in Team Rubicon [a disaster relief organization], training for a 5k, pursuing my growing friendships, growing in my relationship with God, making plans for travel to various different places, focusing on becoming financially stable, loving on my niece and my new nephew, and seeking God's guidance in my professional life [well, in all of life, really]. How does that say "You have ample time to offer a boyfriend!"? I would argue nowhere. Additionally, I would argue, I am completely content in the busyness and the gloriousness of being less-than-25 [even if it is only 9 more days until my birthday].
In church they say that in order to make time for something you have to cut something else out - we can not continue doing everything we've always done and think we can just "fit something else" in. I mean - we can - but when you try to do too many things, you do them all half ass. So, while many say it's selfish not to want to put the work in, I say it's not. How unfair, to ask someone to share. To sit back and wait. To sit on the sidelines. Not right now - not while I am busy pursuing life. I'd rather give someone my all than a part of me - and right now all of me is consumed. Consumed in the beauty of life. Consumed in the beauty of wandering.
You don't need to be anywhere - at any point actually. Your pace and where you put your energy is entirely up to you. If where you are is where God has taken you - don't let the rest of the world tell you it's wrong. Ultimately, you decide what consumes you.
Right now, I'm consumed - and it's perfectly acceptable.
Last night while driving to a date the only thing running through my mind was the fact that I was missing out on training for a 5K and that yoga was going to start at the same time as my date. These thoughts followed by the list of projects around my house I wanted to get done. Consequently ending with the realization that I didn't even feel like going on this date. Thankfully [depending on your perspective] the date was simply a friendly chat void of any romantic connection or desire for more time spent together - I'm fairly certain this was a mutual conclusion. Then it hit me - I like being single.
As I spoke with my friend on the phone I made the realization that I just didn't feel like committing the time or effort to another human being in order to cultivate a lasting relationship. My exact words, I believe, were "I don't feel like consulting anyone about any of the things I want to do." Some people assert that you don't need to consult anyone - that somehow this is controlling - I disagree. At this stage in life people are interested in serious. They want stable - grounded. Someone set in a particular way, to an extent. A person in which they can rely. And I can tell you with absolute certainty - I am not that person. I've never been the grounded type. While I may be down to earth - I intend to roam that earth. If someone comes along - fine. If not - equally as fine. I fear missing out on life, on adventures, on experiencing the newness of everything more than I fear being single. In fact - I don't fear being single at all. So why focus my attention on not being single?
Naturally, I made this an announcement on Facebook and got the obvious response. Other women who were equally content being single and one comment [with a few likes] that I wasn't even 25, how could I be done dating? Simple - I'm not even 25 - why do I need to be dating? Crammed around an already busy work schedule is the time I spend volunteering in Team Rubicon [a disaster relief organization], training for a 5k, pursuing my growing friendships, growing in my relationship with God, making plans for travel to various different places, focusing on becoming financially stable, loving on my niece and my new nephew, and seeking God's guidance in my professional life [well, in all of life, really]. How does that say "You have ample time to offer a boyfriend!"? I would argue nowhere. Additionally, I would argue, I am completely content in the busyness and the gloriousness of being less-than-25 [even if it is only 9 more days until my birthday].
In church they say that in order to make time for something you have to cut something else out - we can not continue doing everything we've always done and think we can just "fit something else" in. I mean - we can - but when you try to do too many things, you do them all half ass. So, while many say it's selfish not to want to put the work in, I say it's not. How unfair, to ask someone to share. To sit back and wait. To sit on the sidelines. Not right now - not while I am busy pursuing life. I'd rather give someone my all than a part of me - and right now all of me is consumed. Consumed in the beauty of life. Consumed in the beauty of wandering.
You don't need to be anywhere - at any point actually. Your pace and where you put your energy is entirely up to you. If where you are is where God has taken you - don't let the rest of the world tell you it's wrong. Ultimately, you decide what consumes you.
Right now, I'm consumed - and it's perfectly acceptable.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Who Are You?
Do you ever look back on your life and laugh at who you once were? I stumbled upon a few of those Facebook notes people used to write back in the day [2009] and the things I wrote, coupled with posts from Time Hop, has made it abundantly clear - I am not who I was.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Our fear of being vulnerable
So, as many of you know I have started dating again. I got onto eHarmony about two months back and have gone on dates with a few guys. My results have been pretty good - but nothing earth shattering. I've made a few friends but nothing I felt like pursuing. In fact - although I've had fun, no-one has really stood out in my mind. Until recently.
About three weeks back I started seeing someone and since then we've gone on a few dates. At first, as my friends will tell you, the feeling was pretty mediocre - not shocking to me in the least as this is exactly how I felt on every other date. However, I prayed about it - because I felt compelled to continue going on dates despite feeling the way I had felt about everyone else. Except this time something different happened - each time I went on a date with him I had different reservations and each date squashed the exact reservation I was having. As a result, I got excited. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that I hate being excited about a prospective man in my life. Why, you ask? Because it makes me vulnerable.
After sharing my fear of vulnerability with a few friends I came to realize a lot of people have this fear. So why this fear of vulnerability? What is it about being "susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm" [Google definition of vulnerable] do we not like? Well - it's a fear of being at a disadvantage. Now, I haven't done extensive research nor am I a scientist or a biologist but both would teach us that as human beings we have an innate desire to survive. I would argue that we not only want to survive but we want to enjoy our survival. When we think of this in terms of life and death it becomes much more obvious why we would avoid certain circumstances - but when we talk in terms of emotional well being, things get a little fuzzy.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Just another benefit of being twenty-something
I am young – both chronologically and admittedly. So it
should come as no shock to me when I discover yet another piece of myself –
sometimes quite by accident, despite all the time spent over analyzing my inner
self. It's one of the benefits to being twenty-something - having time to utilize these little things - hopefully things we can use for the rest of our lives. I've found a lot of other women feel this way as well – and I’m sure you
will relate!
Last night I sat, a half hour past my usual time to leave,
waiting rather impatiently to head into a meeting with my HR manager and a
Managing Principal. Our meeting was to discuss where I saw my job roll changing
over the next few years. Namely – where I saw my job in 2020. Have you ever had
someone ask you a question so absurd you literally smiled and shook your head,
believing there was no way they expected an honest answer from you? That is
exactly how I felt when asked this question. I am new to this job and literally
still don’t know quite what I do sometimes. How on earth did they expect this
from me? Either way – I wrote up my little proposal outlining exactly what it
is that I enjoy – all rainbows and butterflies.
To my surprise [sarcasm] the MP ended up telling me where he
saw me – he saw me as an ambassador for the company. He went into great detail
about how I light up a room, how the way I interact with people is seldom
found, and then asked if I had ever considered traveling to marketing events. I
almost couldn't contain my laughter! Although most people make the same
assumption as he had, that I love socializing, I had to once again tell another
person that I despise networking. The very thought of flitting around and
making small talk with a bunch of random people feels schmoozey and utterly gag
worthy. Which I explained to him – in a little bit nicer terms.
Then, to my actual surprise, he said “Well, that’s your age –
given some time and a little more comfort with yourself, I doubt you will feel
the same. You have a gift and a knack for people that is rare. People gravitate
to you and there will come a time when you learn to play off that strength – to
use it to your advantage in your career.” Flattered, I gave this some thought
as I left the meeting and set about home to go to my sister’s for dinner.
Of course, as with most things, the epiphany didn't come
instantly – but sitting in the car with my brother in-law about twenty minutes
later – it happened [which truly is rather quick]. I was telling him what my
boss had said and explaining that I didn't know why I didn't enjoy networking
when all of the sudden I knew. I’m not comfortable with myself socially – but more
specifically I am not confident enough in my ability to sensor myself. There is
one thing I do really well and that’s personal. If you know me – you know that.
If there is a question considered inappropriate or unprofessional, chances are I've asked it. If there’s a stance on something that’s deemed insensitive or
overly sensitive, I've voiced it. I do deep really well, I like to know what
makes you tick – what your childhood was like, where your passions lie, the
things you fear. It’s no shock, then, that I also over share. People know more
about me in the first hour of knowing me than most people know about their best
friends in a lifetime. Okay, that is a slight exaggeration – but only a slight
one. I’m working on it!
I don’t do surface level well. The little things – where do
you work, how long have you worked there, what are your career goals – not my
thing. Which is why I dislike it. It’s in my personality – to avoid things I’m
not good at. I've built a wall up around this thing – that I may truly excel at
– if only I would allow myself to.
So, what now? Where do I go? What do I do? I’ll tell you
where – I get out there, outside my comfort zone and I practice. I get good at
professional – at surface level. I leave the safety of what I know and venture
into where I would excel, no matter how gag worthy it may seem. Not necessarily
because I will come to love it – because I might not, but I will never know if
I don’t try. And not because being good at personal is a bad thing – but because
it’s an aspect of myself that remains untapped. A part of myself I may really
enjoy – if only I could get acquainted.
It’s outside of that comfort zone – and like “they” always
say – life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Thankfully - I learned this while I'm still young, chronologically and admittedly.
Friday, August 1, 2014
I choose not to follow my heart.
Over the last twenty four hours I have experienced I wave of emotions - from ecstatic to extremely sad about leaving Minnesota for my job in Denver. I have had literally zero desire to leave the place that I love over the past four years. Applying in various states was something I did on a whim - choosing not to keep myself shut off from opportunities that may lay outside my comfort zone. Then someone told me to follow my heart. I replied that I was instead going to follow God - here is what I mean by that.
I prayed several times over the past few months, as I do normally, that God only open doors that He want me to walk through. Throughout this entire application process I did the same thing. My prayers were simple "Lord, only offer me a job where you want me - because I will accept a job. I will not know the difference between a good place and a bad and I will take what is offered, please do not offer what you do not want me to take." Lo and behold, the offer came in from Denver.
As many of you know I have family in Denver, and Denver is a wonderful place - but it is not my place. It is not my home. It is not the place I would get tattooed on my body [well no-one should, it's the shape of a square for pete sake - that was their first mistake]. It is not the place my absolute best friends live, the people I call in the middle of the night, the people who would drop everything for me and come to my rescue [not that I don't have that in Denver, I do]. Bottom line, if I were following my heart - I would not go to Denver. I would stay home.
But Jesus did not die on a cross for me to follow my heart. Jesus died on a cross for me to follow Him. Here are the reasons I am choosing to follow not my heart - but God:
Proverbs 28:20 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. But he who walks wisely will be delivered
Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Romans 8:14 - For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God
Proverbs 4:23 - Above all things guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life
Luke 14:33 - In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you desire cannot be my disciples
So, while it may be difficult. While I may be sad to leave the place that I love. While it may not be what my heart is telling me to do right now - it is where God is leading me - so go I shall!
See you soon Denver! I look forward to what lay ahead :)
I prayed several times over the past few months, as I do normally, that God only open doors that He want me to walk through. Throughout this entire application process I did the same thing. My prayers were simple "Lord, only offer me a job where you want me - because I will accept a job. I will not know the difference between a good place and a bad and I will take what is offered, please do not offer what you do not want me to take." Lo and behold, the offer came in from Denver.
As many of you know I have family in Denver, and Denver is a wonderful place - but it is not my place. It is not my home. It is not the place I would get tattooed on my body [well no-one should, it's the shape of a square for pete sake - that was their first mistake]. It is not the place my absolute best friends live, the people I call in the middle of the night, the people who would drop everything for me and come to my rescue [not that I don't have that in Denver, I do]. Bottom line, if I were following my heart - I would not go to Denver. I would stay home.
But Jesus did not die on a cross for me to follow my heart. Jesus died on a cross for me to follow Him. Here are the reasons I am choosing to follow not my heart - but God:
Proverbs 28:20 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. But he who walks wisely will be delivered
Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Romans 8:14 - For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God
Proverbs 4:23 - Above all things guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life
Luke 14:33 - In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you desire cannot be my disciples
So, while it may be difficult. While I may be sad to leave the place that I love. While it may not be what my heart is telling me to do right now - it is where God is leading me - so go I shall!
See you soon Denver! I look forward to what lay ahead :)
Thursday, July 17, 2014
You grow up and become jaded
Somewhere between the noise, bouncing from every surface surrounding our already distracted thoughts, and the numerous inquiries into our seemingly simple existence we lose ourselves. Not to anyone or anything in particular - more to the whole of it. The whole of life and the complexities that consume our once childish ideas of what life is supposed to be once you're an adult. We weren't aware, in our simple observations and wide eyed fascination, that we'd get so caught up in what being "grown up" meant, that our eyes would soon become heavy with stress and our analysis of where we ought to be so fuzzied by those around us that we would lose sight of those simple pleasures. The simple things that took hold of us frantically the closer we got to breaking free of the chains of childhood. Little did we know all that childhood had to offer - all the wonderful meaningless lessons that were really the glue that held our universe together. Those lessons taught me about love and how to be a friend - those little monumental lessons - about life and the things that really matter. Yet, sitting here tonight I am perplexed by how quickly it slips through our fingers. How distant those feelings get, lost in the noise, in the chaos that is our lives, how lost those monumental lessons get in the tiny blows to our egos. Jaded.
There is a period of time, in life, when we simply become jaded. You no longer feel like dropping everything for the somebody who does nothing. You no longer believe in love at first sight or happily ever after. The notion that we can be anything we want to be slips and fades when the going gets rough. After the umteenth rejection email based on your lack of experience or your failure to get a more specific degree. Yet - we keep on going. Reignited by a new sense of purpose from somewhere in the back. A time out with the girls, a promising new job lead, a friendly flirt - something that tells us maybe we're not crazy. That maybe hiding in the cracks of crap we totally didn't expect as children was some of the stuff we were promised - or at least the stuff we imagined to be true.
Maybe there are those of us who only just assumed that our parents had gotten adulthood all wrong. Witnessing their mistakes weave in and out of their daily lives was more like avoiding a train wreck . . . on a beach - you'd think it would be easy, but somehow it always showed up. You imagined growing up and stepping off that graduation stage into life would be effortless, seamless even. Into the world you would go - life and love abundant. Stress and pain a distant memory - something inflicted upon you by those not as life savvy. Only to find out you're nothing but a fawn in a sea of elephants trying to work those wobbly legs. With each giant stomp in your direction, losing site of your childish notions and the giddy hope that once filled your heart. Weaving in and out of your own mistakes - avoiding them like . . . wait . . . you've been here before. Thankfully. Because you have something they never did, you have the warning labels and the articles. You have the resources to come back from where ever it is you never wanted to go. You weeble and you wobble but you don't fall down.
One day, you stand. Sure footed and on top. An elephant among fawns. Hopefully, not so jaded. Hopefully, you found hope. Hopefully you found that life as an adult is nothing as quiet and cushy as once dreamed up when you were a wee ten year old. Just as most things were. In fact, the truth about nearly everything in the world was nearly always in stark contrast to the outlandish notions once set fourth by our imaginations. Although we had the upper hand on the simple rights and wrongs - we as children very rarely got the complexities of what it means to be an adult. To pay bills, go to work, make time for friends, keep up a healthy relationship, and the list goes on - so why we become jaded is really the better question. Of course growing up is hard - why wouldn't it be? Lost in the noise of our seemingly simple existence is the glaring fact that while it may be a simple notion - it takes work. Once we've accomplished one feat it is time to tackle yet another. Just as when we were children climbing the next biggest tree, we are now adults pushing ourselves to be who we know we can be - and that takes work.
You're an adult now - not a child. You have gotten what you always dreamed of :)
Author's note: I wrote the first half 7/14/12 and the second half 7/17/14. Perspective with age, I suppose.
There is a period of time, in life, when we simply become jaded. You no longer feel like dropping everything for the somebody who does nothing. You no longer believe in love at first sight or happily ever after. The notion that we can be anything we want to be slips and fades when the going gets rough. After the umteenth rejection email based on your lack of experience or your failure to get a more specific degree. Yet - we keep on going. Reignited by a new sense of purpose from somewhere in the back. A time out with the girls, a promising new job lead, a friendly flirt - something that tells us maybe we're not crazy. That maybe hiding in the cracks of crap we totally didn't expect as children was some of the stuff we were promised - or at least the stuff we imagined to be true.
Maybe there are those of us who only just assumed that our parents had gotten adulthood all wrong. Witnessing their mistakes weave in and out of their daily lives was more like avoiding a train wreck . . . on a beach - you'd think it would be easy, but somehow it always showed up. You imagined growing up and stepping off that graduation stage into life would be effortless, seamless even. Into the world you would go - life and love abundant. Stress and pain a distant memory - something inflicted upon you by those not as life savvy. Only to find out you're nothing but a fawn in a sea of elephants trying to work those wobbly legs. With each giant stomp in your direction, losing site of your childish notions and the giddy hope that once filled your heart. Weaving in and out of your own mistakes - avoiding them like . . . wait . . . you've been here before. Thankfully. Because you have something they never did, you have the warning labels and the articles. You have the resources to come back from where ever it is you never wanted to go. You weeble and you wobble but you don't fall down.
One day, you stand. Sure footed and on top. An elephant among fawns. Hopefully, not so jaded. Hopefully, you found hope. Hopefully you found that life as an adult is nothing as quiet and cushy as once dreamed up when you were a wee ten year old. Just as most things were. In fact, the truth about nearly everything in the world was nearly always in stark contrast to the outlandish notions once set fourth by our imaginations. Although we had the upper hand on the simple rights and wrongs - we as children very rarely got the complexities of what it means to be an adult. To pay bills, go to work, make time for friends, keep up a healthy relationship, and the list goes on - so why we become jaded is really the better question. Of course growing up is hard - why wouldn't it be? Lost in the noise of our seemingly simple existence is the glaring fact that while it may be a simple notion - it takes work. Once we've accomplished one feat it is time to tackle yet another. Just as when we were children climbing the next biggest tree, we are now adults pushing ourselves to be who we know we can be - and that takes work.
You're an adult now - not a child. You have gotten what you always dreamed of :)
Author's note: I wrote the first half 7/14/12 and the second half 7/17/14. Perspective with age, I suppose.
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