I work at a hotel. Our doors are locked. We lock our doors not because we are in a dangerous part of town but because we offer breakfast and dinner for our guests, as well as fruit and coffee. We also have an open market that just so happens to be right next to an exit. Consequently the bathroom in the lobby is also key access - I think you get the picture. Well, often times people find a way to sneak in behind a guest or we mistake someone for a guest and allow them into our lobby only to get verbally abused when we tell them to leave. This just so happened to occur about a week ago.
I was helping a few guests out when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a tall man walk in behind some other people. He was wearing a du-rag, sporting a bag, and he was headed toward where the food would normally be set out. However it was past the time for food and the bar was closed - noticing that the security guard went back after him - I just continued my conversations with the guests in front of me. A few moments later the security guard came back, without the man. In a perhaps poorly planned spur of the moment decision I said, rather loudly, "That man is not supposed to be in here!" At which the security guard turned back around, went back and proceeded to tell the man to leave. Thankfully all the other guests had left the lobby at this time - or my adrenaline prevented me from noticing anyone else - but the man began yelling at the security guard as he started toward the desk. After screaming obscenities about the fact that he was a guest [producing a key-card] and asking for quarters to do laundry, he explained that we shouldn't make assumptions like that and that he deserved something due to our ignorance, also stating that he would be reporting us. He then proceeded back up to his room and I found myself in the back office - crying hysterically about my bold assumptions and feeling as though I had racially profiled him. Once I gained my composure I called him and told him we would be doing something the following day and I once again apologized - he said he probably overreacted and explained that we could use this as a learning moment. You see, the man was black, and although he never said it and maybe he never felt it, I felt as though I had racially profiled him and assumed that he was not a guest due to his du-rag, plastic bag, and lack of knowledge of the dinner hours.
However something strange happened - not two hours later a couple walked in. A white man with a white woman, middle class, preppy. They walked straight to the bar, but before they could make it half way there I inquired rather rudely "Are you a guest here?" In this moment I realized that I felt the same exclusion toward them as I had the man. Again, last night I found a man sitting at a business center computer, dirty backpack by his side - scraggly hair hanging to his shoulders. In my mind I scoffed and thought "Ugh, this man is not staying here, I know it - but fine, i'll let it alone." Lo and behold a half hour went by and the man half stumbled out of the front door, never to return again. That man was white. Once again tonight, a couple walked in - this time clearly on something, reeking of cigarettes. I apologized to my coworker for allowing them to charge their phone. I reiterated to the couple several times as they asked for an ATM that we do not accept cash - all the while imagining how much they would stink up a hotel room and wishing I had just told them they needed a key to enter the hotel. Turns out, they never wanted nor had the means to stay there anyway.
You see, my problem isn't a race problem. I don't know if I have a problem at all. But if I have a problem at all it's that I work in a hotel, in the city, with locked doors - where I have to constantly be on watch for those who are looking to steal things that they feel entitled to. I have been sworn at, threatened, mocked, and lied to. I have chosen to trust people only to be shown that my bosses were right all along - that they would in fact damage the room and their prepaid card wouldn't cover the costs. But here I was, assuming that I had profiled this man not because he seemed out of place but because he was black.
We have become so sensitive in this country to race that when I make miscalculations - when I misjudge someone based on the way they look or dress or act when they are white, nothing is said about it. It is perfectly acceptable that I call out a guest when they are white due to their poor hygiene or personal style, but when the person is black it automatically becomes about race - even in my own mind. We return points, give money back, I cry, lessons are learned. When I call out anyone else, a simple sorry will suffice - in extreme cases a market item or a few extra points.
Take my coworker for instance. He is a black man and has worked for the hotel for over a decade and throughout that time he has had to kick many of his "own people" out of the hotel. On more times than I can count he is called out for being against "his own people" and as they leave I can see him wince as we hear "Uncle Tom" ring through the doors. His feelings hurt, his ego bruised - all because he is doing his job. He is kicking people out of the hotel for loitering. For being in a private place meant for those who have chosen to pay to stay there. Yet he is condemned by his "own people" for "acting white." He is punished for rising above.
As if we aren't all our own people. As if the main reasons we disagree isn't due to cultural differences rather than pigmentation. But here I was, thinking I was racist, because society had told me that I must be. Here I was crying hysterically in the back office because I had picked out a guest simply for being black, when really - I hadn't. I had done nothing of the sort.
I picked him because in the sea of guests he was out of place, plain and simple. Were my actions justified? Absolutely not. Should wearing a du-rag make you a target of speculation? No. Should heading back to pick up some bananas from the bar area set off red flags from the desk? Nope. Am I wrong? Yes. Am I racist? Not a chance.
I'm a white woman who has been told that I am racist if ever I call out someone of the opposite color. Should I make the mistake of misjudging someone based on anything to do with anything else they should show to me, it must always come back to that simple question "What color are they?" To which, if I reply black, I am automatically racist. I hate it. I really do.
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