What if I don't have a passion? I mean seriously. The only thing I can recall being whole-heartedly passionate about is having children. I want children - I always have. I want lots of them. But guess what? Sometimes I don't want any. When the magnitude of life and of my own selfish desires trumps any desire to put all my time and energy into multiple human organisms. However, over the past few months while on the job search I have been driven to make every decision based on these unborn children. On the assumption that A. I can have children B. that Anthony and I will actually get married and C. that all our grand plans of me staying at home and home schooling our children will actually line up with God's grand plans.
So, over the past few months I have avoided applying at some places, avoided returning to school, and avoided anything that takes a lot of commitment because why waste my time? After all, I'm having babies in a few years!!!
Well I started to notice that the weight of these decisions is heavy. I am not passionate about anything in particular. I could literally do a plethora of different jobs and be happy. My only desire is that I make enough to live comfortably and that someone hires me because I went to college for four years under this false sense of job security once I obtained my degree.
I ended up emailing a previous teacher of mine. She has three children, she stays at home, and she literally drenches herself in the Lord and his will. Her posts and her blog fill my day with hope and security. She helps me to keep my eye on God and grow in my faith. In my email I asked her if she intended on going back to work after the kids were school age. Her response? Probably. Not yes, not no, not anything but probably.
Probably means most likely, but it leaves room for not happening. It leaves room for change. It leaves room for God.
I then went on to express to her my frustration with life and jobs and not having a passion. Her next response? "Search for a career for your stage in life right now." She then went on to tell me that she and her husband had ideas of what would happen but they took life as it came. Tackling decisions as they arose and seeking Gods guidance in all of their endeavors.
So what does this mean? Obviously I need to live for now. Not tomorrow or next year or ten years from now. But now. And not in that YOLO kind of drug abusing, law breaking lifestyle of never making arrangements for future endeavors and only thinking of this moment, but more that not ruling anything out and really going for it right now kind of way.
I am a girl who thrives on goals and plans. If I feel that I am working toward something I am literally giddy with life. It is when I become complacent or stagnant that I begin to suffer. Thus my problem with always needing something in the future to work toward. However, nobody ever said the future had to mean five years from now. The future is literally a minute from now. What is my goal for ten minutes from now? What job would I love to do now?
Besides, they've done studies well over a mile long on the benefits of focusing on where you are in life, the now, rather than where you project your life to be in ten years. The truth is, I can be anything I want. I can continue applying for jobs with my current degree. I can go back and get some sort of technical degree. I can do anything - without fear of the future.
I've known this for years. I've learned it a hundred times. I've also needed to be reminded of it a hundred more. It's okay to let go - not to take life so seriously.
To live for the stage of life I am at right in this moment. So I'm going to work on it. I'm going to seek God's guidance and then follow that path - because who knows? And who cares.
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