So I wasn't going to write about this, because it's a little more personal than I choose to divulge. But I decided that since I made the choice to chronical my one year challenge that I need to share everything - not just the good, but the bad, and the necessary. The truth is, this is difficult, more difficult than I had anticipated when I took this journey. As my dad put it, I have done the take away on myself. Before I took this step I was completely content being alone - as I have stated many times before - but since then I have become a little bit TOO interested in human relationships and their place in my life.
As many of you know I attended the Marine Corps Ball with my friend Anthony this past weekend. He asked me to attend the ball long before I took the challenge and while I considered changing my mind I decided to stick by my word. I had an absolute blast but I didn't hold back as much as I had intended - to clarify, I held back much more than some would.
That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Anthony is a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep in separate rooms, he refrained from holding my hand unless I held his. He never made a move, and he was determined to treat me the way a man should treat a woman. Which may have been my downfall quite honestly. Back to the point.
I deviated from my original goal and I was upset with myself for doing so - however, I learned some very valuable lessons. Over the past three months whenever I have spoken with Anthony leading up to and during this weekend I have questioned whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him - or if I was crossing my own boundaries of the task at hand. During this trip I realized how much I have learned and am applying to my friendships not only with Anthony but with many other people in my life.
There is a threshold in which two people have a hard time coming back from once it is crossed. I am being vulnerable here, yes, but I think it should be mentioned. I once thought that people should be able to come back from that threshold once crossed but I now understand that it should never be crossed. To come back is harder than if you never venture there. I have long questioned how people wait until marriage to give themselves away, and other than the fact that they cannot miss what they don't know, I've concluded that many of them never allow it to get that far. They understand their boundaries and they stick to them.
So while I didn't hold back as much as I wanted - I am not really too upset with myself. Because I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my tendencies to not only blame the man for discrepancies, but in my past I have failed to search out people who have good hearts.
I paid attention to things I would usually never pay attention to on this trip, and I learned a few things. I learned what it is to be treated like a princess. To feel respected and admired. To be thought of and put first. I learned what it is to hold hands and to laugh without motives. I learned how to pray with somebody in a room full of people. I learned what it felt like to be looked at like you were the only one in the room. I learned where my boundaries lie and what it's like to have someone who doesn't cross those boundaries, without your permission. I learned that there are people who listen whole heartedly to what you have to say. There are people who appreciate you for exactly who you are. That when you are treated that way, you want to treat the other person the same. I got a first hand example of the type of man I have been reading about for the past three months.
So although I have long questioned whether it was a good idea to talk to Anthony as much as I do, and whether it is a good idea to "practice" various concepts on him; this weekend, I got my answer.
Some may call this justification, and it just might be. Thats okay with me.
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