Hard to comprehend

How do you handle tough situations? 

We all handle them differently. When we find ourselves faced with difficult times and don't know where to turn we often turn to those we care about and trust most. During the past few months and through hours of research into the types of people we surround ourselves with I have figured out a couple things. 

One of those things is that not all of our friends are helpful. Not everyone should be a source of support and advice. For instance in the book Boundaries in Dating the doctors who wrote the book specify that those you reach out to during relationship problems shouldn't be the people who only take your side or beat up on the other person. 

We should be reaching out to people who openly listen to all of our concerns and problems but are also willing to listen to all of the ways in which we have decided to cope with these difficult times. We should be reaching out to people who have heartfelt messages intended to help both people involved. They should be wise and level headed enough to help us see not only our significant others faults but also our own faults. 

We should be reaching out to people who have our best interest in mind and have mature ways of dealing with issues. Obviously that leaves one question, are you the type of person i'm describing? 

As a friend we tend to feel a lot of empathy when our friends come to us with difficult situations. Sometimes we forget that how we react directly effects how our friends will respond and what they may do. Are we acting out of love and in the best interest of those  involved? Is what you're saying or doing supporting the decisions that person has decided to make? 

When I say supporting I do not mean you agree with their choices and I don't mean that you say nothing to oppose their choices. What I mean is that you give mature, sound advice outlining the pros and cons. 

Often times we get caught up in emotional responses hell bent on anger, not realizing that these emotional responses can isolate the person from the solution they were seeking.

I guess what i'm getting at is that over the past year I have tried to distinguish not only who are the type of people I can really trust in difficult situations  but also the ways in which I can be one of those people. 

Because not even your best friend is the best friend for every situation. 

So, as I sit back watching people attempt to help their friends in unhealthy and negative ways I fight back the urge to assert myself into their moment. Why? Because if i'm going to talk about handling situations maturely, I can't let my burnt fuse get the best of me, as they have chosen to do. 

Why aren't their arms reaching?

So since I have pursued deepening my relationship with the Lord I have also begun craving more Christ centered friendships. I have even gone so far as to message those whom I perceive to have good relationships with God and can help me through the questions I have. And when I say crave, I mean yearn uncontrollably for closer relationships with people who are more mature Christians than myself. The response? Nothing. 

Which leaves me wondering, am I not the kind of person these people want to be friends with? Is there something about me which they perceive to be toxic to their own walk in faith? When I have questions, do they feel that I am inadequate or is it that they themselves feel inadequate to answer those questions? All my life I have been different than most of my friends - which has served me well - it's always been okay that I didn't have people to relate to. It was okay that they couldn't understand losing siblings or parents, that they couldn't understand alcoholism and drug addictions. It was okay when they thought me funny for not wanting to partake in drugs or alcohol. But now, when I am reaching out the most to those who have the kind of relationships with those around them that I would like, I feel isolated. Now I want more than anything to relate. To fit in to "that" crowd. 

Tonight I watched a sermon on how Jesus commands us not to worry, and how he loves us more than he does the birds [Matthew 6:24-27] and that we should trust him to provide for us. Andy Stanley made the statement that what Jesus means is that at the end of the day, if we have done all that we can do, we should take a deep breath and trust him to provide for us how he will. And he will. 

My life is amazing, and even at the worst moments God has shone through with yet another blessing, another life lesson. One of those things I realized tonight is that while the arms of those around me may not be reaching - mine may not be either. For instance, although I messaged those people to hang out, maybe I wasn't assertive enough. I didn't ask for their numbers and pursue making plans. If I am going to ask God for the type of people that i'd like to have in my life - I need to actively pursue those friendships. I need to go to the twenty somethings group I've been looking into for the past month - I need to try harder. 

And then I need to relax. Because I will know, I have done all I can do. 

Have you done all you can? Do you reach out to those who are visibly seeking your friendship in their lives? If not, why? If we are the body of Christ - our hands should be reaching out to those around us. We should be welcoming people into our hearts and into our lives. 

I hate feeling as though I do not have someone to welcome me into their walk with Jesus, to help me understand things that a person not raised with God can't possibly know. I can only imagine how many people walked away from their pursuit of Jesus because nobody loved them back. 

Playing With Fire

So I wasn't going to write about this, because it's a little more personal than I choose to divulge. But I decided that since I made the choice to chronical my one year challenge that I need to share everything - not just the good, but the bad, and the necessary. The truth is, this is difficult, more difficult than I had anticipated when I took this journey. As my dad put it, I have done the take away on myself. Before I took this step I was completely content being alone - as I have stated many times before - but since then I have become a little bit TOO interested in human relationships and their place in my life. 

As many of you know I attended the Marine Corps Ball with my friend Anthony this past weekend. He asked me to attend the ball long before I took the challenge and while I considered changing my mind I decided to stick by my word. I had an absolute blast but I didn't hold back as much as I had intended - to clarify, I held back much more than some would. 

That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Anthony is a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep in separate rooms, he refrained from holding my hand unless I held his. He never made a move, and he was determined to treat me the way a man should treat a woman. Which may have been my downfall quite honestly. Back to the point. 

I deviated from my original goal and I was upset with myself for doing so - however, I learned some very valuable lessons. Over the past three months whenever I have spoken with Anthony leading up to and during this weekend I have questioned whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him - or if I was crossing my own boundaries of the task at hand. During this trip I realized how much I have learned and am applying to my friendships not only with Anthony but with many other people in my life. 

There is a threshold in which two people have a hard time coming back from once it is crossed. I am being vulnerable here, yes, but I think it should be mentioned. I once thought that people should be able to come back from that threshold once crossed but I now understand that it should never be crossed. To come back is harder than if you never venture there. I have long questioned how people wait until marriage to give themselves away, and other than the fact that they cannot miss what they don't know, I've concluded that many of them never allow it to get that far. They understand their boundaries and they stick to them. 

So while I didn't hold back as much as I wanted - I am not really too upset with myself. Because I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my tendencies to not only blame the man for discrepancies, but in my past I have failed to search out people who have good hearts. 

I paid attention to things I would usually never pay attention to on this trip, and I learned a few things. I learned what it is to be treated like a princess. To feel respected and admired. To be thought of and put first. I learned what it is to hold hands and to laugh without motives. I learned how to pray with somebody in a room full of people. I learned what it felt like to be looked at like you were the only one in the room. I learned where my boundaries lie and what it's like to have someone who doesn't cross those boundaries, without your permission. I learned that there are people who listen whole heartedly to what you have to say. There are people who appreciate you for exactly who you are. That when you are treated that way, you want to treat the other person the same. I got a first hand example of the type of man I have been reading about for the past three months. 

So although I have long questioned whether it was a good idea to talk to Anthony as much as I do, and whether it is a good idea to "practice" various concepts on him; this weekend, I got my answer. 

Some may call this justification, and it just might be. Thats okay with me. 

To Marry Your Best Friend.

Kassie is my best friend. If you know me, chances are, you know this simple truth. However that doesn't mean you know Kassie. I live with her, talk to her everyday, and she knows everything about me. But some of my friends have only seen her in passing - it sounds like i'm talking about a stuffed animal here but I can assure you, she's real. The thing is Kassie and I are complete opposites.

Sure, throughout our friendship we have become more and more alike but in those basic fundamental ways we are far from a like. We have different tastes in music, men, food, dancing, dress, decoration styles, and expression. But Kassie and I have something most friends do not have - we have history and acceptance of the others flaws and awesomeness. Kassie and I have accepted each other for who we are, basically. 

Why am I talking about my best girlfriend when the title of this post is "To Marry Your Best Friend" well no I am not considering swinging the opposite way - but Kassie is my best friend and the other day it dawned on me that I want a relationship like we have when I get married. 

For instance, when Kassie wakes up in the morning, even though she hates uttering even a breath when she rolls out of bed she says "good morning," because she knows I like hearing good morning. And the other day when I was doing something or saying something [ I can't remember ] I told someone how Kassie would feel about something because I love her and I know her. So I made sure of this thing. That's when it hit me. Kassie and I think of each other when we do things. Even when we know we don't want to do something. We keep the other person's feelings in mind and we have accepted our fighting styles, our laughing styles, we don't get [too] offended when the other isn't up to par that day and we still love each other after we're angry. We hardly hold things against one another for months or weeks or even days - not that we're perfect at that either. We always say I love you and we make sure to make time for one another. We know that we can NOT forget each others birthdays and we leave notes for each other when life gets messy. 

Is Kassie the perfect husband or WHAT?!?! Just kidding, but seriously. On this year journey, and long before, I have made it a point to ask what people like about their marriages and what they don't. I read books about good relationships and I listen to what the pastor says in church about being a good partner. Yet here I am, with my best friend, and we have it down pretty good. 

I told Kassie the other day that if I could find a man and we had all these same things - plus more [obviously] then I would have found the love of my life. She then pointed out that we weren't always like this. In the beginning of our friendship we fought, compared one another to the other, and had a general mistrust of the other but over the past 8 years we have built something great. I don't want a relationship that starts out with arguing because that leads to resentment but I want to understand that love, like friendships, age. Relationships take time for two people to get to know the other, to appreciate all that the person is made of, and to accept with love the others differences. To fight and make it through stronger, and to make think of the other persons feelings when you're doing something. 

Kassie and I have even found that we have grown apart, only to grow back together, and we're not afraid to point these moments out - when we don't understand the other person or how they've become. We say things out loud, with honesty, in an attempt to get back to where we were - thank God we usually make it back, better than before. Even when I am angry with her or annoyed or I feel unappreciated, etc - I could not turn my back on my best friend. We have made it through what most friendships do not and even in the middle of an argument we don't turn to another and say "Kassie/Heather is no longer my best friend." We have each others backs, we support each other, and we go out of our way to be a good person in the others life. We bring each other up, not tear each other down, and we work on communicating all the time. 

So when I am looking for examples on how to honor 1 Corinthians 13 or the type of relationship I want with my future husband, all I have to do is look to my best friend, because we have learned what it takes to make a relationship work, to grow together, and to love each other no matter what happens. That's what I want in a husband some day, and how lucky am I that I have that in a best friend as well? 

Lauren "Lo"

I just found out you've passed away. Heaven got an angel. I can't find the tears to cry or the words to say, it's shocking and so unexpected. I don't know if it's because this has become so normal - to go on facebook and find another one gone. Or maybe its that we had made so many plans for when I got back to Minnesota, plans that I haven't accepted will not happen. Plans to go to the beach or to uptown. Plans to order shirley temples or join a bible study together with Elle.

I sit here silently in Cape Cod, wondering where the words will come from - where the words will go. My heart aches for those around you, those who will miss you. My heart aches for the best friends who will not have you to call and for those whose worlds just lost a little light - this world lost a little light. Your smile could brighten any room, your laughter was infectious, your sense of style enviable and your love for the Lord thirst quenching. 

Through reading your posts I found myself drawn more to God each day and my heart yearns for a closer relationship with Him, a relationship that you yourself had. Watching you was inspiring and I am so proud to say that we were friends. I only wish that we could have built on that friendship as we had planned. 

I can only imagine that the reason I am not crying is because I know that you are with God and that you knew you would someday see him. That you would someday go home. Maybe God will not let those tears flow because as you have said so many times, he has a plan - and his plan was to take you home. Your life has saved so many before this day and will save so many here after. See you in heaven Lo, see you at home. 

Slow Down

Tonight is the night. My last night in town before I embark on my three month journey across our wonderful country!! I am so excited, but I have noticed a common theme in my life. I cannot just relax!! I find that I almost crave being busy. Let me tell you about my day. 7:45am wake up, surprise clean the house for Avery. 10am brunch with the best little cousin anyone could ever hope for. 1, change my own windshield wipers for the first time ever [thank you very much!]. 1:30 meeting with Mary Kay director to get my stuff together. 3 finish cleaning apartment, bring stuff over to storage unit. 5 pick up my wonderful besties from the airport as they somehow muster enough Vegas energy to run up and hug me. 6:30 Sam’s Club shopping with my papa followed by a delicious dinner where we were so graciously served by the beautiful Taylor. And finally, 9:30pm, my two very first facials!! I performed these facials on two of my best friends and let me tell you - they really opened my eyes to how difficult this will be!! I not only stumbled but I was also not exactly prepared. Thank God for friends to help me learn the ropes. Moral of the story - I need to slooow down! Speaking of slowing down, this girl got another speeding ticket yesterday!! As most of you are aware, I have a led foot. I may actually have a led leg. I get pulled over on a monthly basis. Thanks baby Jesus for making sure I got a cop with a good heart - he only wrote me up for 7 over so that it wouldn't go on my record. Some lookin out there buddy! Honestly, I have realized, I always over book myself. In a perfect world I should have waited to join Mary Kay but hey, sometimes we jump way before we see the bottom and we just have to take those leaps of faith in life. I have decided I will take it slow. This vacation is about taking life in and breathing life out. It's about stopping to smell the flowers and appreciating what's around me. Yes I am a busy girl, I enjoy having a full plate but at the end of the day I sometimes just want to take that plate and hurl it across a room and listen as the porcelain shatters into a million beautiful pieces. Before I take off tomorrow, I am going to take a deep breath, exhale, and drive away - reminding myself to do that each time I allow my mind to take off full throttle on some unnecessary escapade. Here’s to a slow three months. Because let's be honest, I may never have an opportunity not to be busy for a very long time after this summer. Exhale.

Better than the best

Wandering through junior high - spit drenched carpet, discerning stares, fast friendship and even faster falls from glory - we were perplexed, solitary in thought and in feeling. It wasn't as if we didn't have the love and support we needed to banish those feelings, but more so that we couldn't feel the love and support, we wanted to be drenched in it. Through random interactions and simple phrases we became extraordinary through our friendship, not all at once but over an extended period of time. Six years, six years it has been and although we shared one common love, one girl, we eventually became equally important to one another. Throughout these six grueling years we engaged in conflict between opinions, sensations, emotions, and relationships. In desperate times we told desperate lies, most of which turned into desperate hidden truths. Through our furious passion we learned to love eachother, to never abandon one another. Months of reckless silent treatments existed out of our own stubborn need to prove some trivial point, a point that in the end meant nothing to life and the way we coexisted with one another. Numerous friendships would not have lasted, did not last, through what we call our unsurpassed bond. Often times I have asked myself "why?" why do I stay stationary, amused at best, with these girls; it is when I ask this question that I remember where I was. I was alone in the world, or so I felt, bruised and broken fresh off the cold slippery floors of a hospital room; with only shadowy figures dancing through my room, writing broken emotions down word for word into ambiguous poems - enter Reignie. She came in a burning flame, scorched to the bone with a dark past, dotted with the shimmer of future. Her reckless soul tore into me, I ached to be as she was. She molded and mended me. Flooded with love to give, she could cut into you like a knife while healing your anguish with a kiss. With emotions that ran rampant through her body, she could cry and laugh, hate and love, belittle and elevate you all at once, needless to say she was bemused, but she loved me. Our arguments play out like violens- feverish and wild, striking with soft notes, lashing out with frantic fervor and our resolutions- a blissful ignorance, as if nothing ever happened, softly wrapping ourselves into one another without the use of words. So why do I ask, why-because some people are meant to love, and to be loved. Where was I? I was alone, in my attempts to reconnect with friends long since forgotten. Back from a journey of abuse, of loveless emotion, heightened awareness and diminished self esteem. I had long past let go of any hope for a mother and instead buried my face in the memories engraved into my heart. I felt alone and helpless, I felt abandon - enter Kassie. Riding down my old dirt road I gave her a ring, I had not forgotten this girl of whom Reignie lived next to. She welcomed me with a heart warming voice and a smile that had more warmth than the morning sun. We quickly became close, hanging out everyday. She was lost and looking for Reignie and although I couldn't be her, I wanted badly to be somebodies something. So I worked and I worked to be the one she could turn to, someone that could take in what she wanted to dispose of. After countless nights of being compared to someone not there, I was rocognized afterall. Soon I became what she needed, and Reignie became the other half to that whole she was looking for. In my own way I shone through, in this way I began being who I was and not who I felt the need to be. Our opinions seem to be night and day, our goals and dreams could be defined as worlds apart. Even in our childhood we are as dinstinct as hot and cold. On an everyday basis attitude flickers through our eyelids, lashing out is a weekly occurance and arguments- a must have. Our quiet competivness is only surpassed by our indying devotion to cradling eachother in a neverending embrace of love and acceptance of one another. To say that her and I disagree on most things is an understatement, but to say that we have the ability to move on from just about anything in order to remain forever bonded, would be an even bigger one. Why then, why am I friends with these girls? Because even at our worst, we are better than the best.