Apparently I have been so caught up in my life-loving-bliss that I have failed to blog for a whopping 3.25 months! In my absence I failed to close out one very important chapter which I so diligently talked about for several months - my One Year Challenge.
My year challenge of devoting myself to solidifying my relationship with God and steering clear of dating ended on July 14th. However, as most of you know, I did not steer clear of dating. In fact, I fell madly, deeply in love with a friend whom I have known for four years. He moved here to Minnesota on May 31st of this year - hmm and my last blog was May 28th ;)
In closing out my year challenge, two months late, would like to divulge two very important lessons I learned through my year of discovery.
One. Although my year was meant to be spent staying away from dating and devoting myself to only God and me, I am so thankful that I did not do so. Although I chose to pursue my relationship with Anthony, I did not neglect my studies. In fact, Anthony and I took part in deep discussions concerning the God-centered relationship material I was reading. He gave me ideas on how to interpret the information and I helped him to understand where I was learning some of my super outdated ways of thinking. I mean, who knew that the keys to a good relationship were communication, listening, not putting the other person down, allowing each other their own personal space, and trusting one another? As well as forgiveness, sweet forgiveness. Who knew that complete authenticity could bring two people so close to one another? We are so utterly at ease with one another, it sometimes scares me. The things I can say, the way we can act, surprises nor bothers either of us. When we have something on our mind, we can both reference past materials or discussions we had about how to handle the situation. We are on the same page.
I truly believe that had I chose to venture on that journey myself, and then met someone, I would have found myself at a completely different point in life than the person with whom I was trying to build a relationship. I would have had to try to remember an entire year of studying and then try to relay that to the person I found myself in a relationship with. And as most of us who have ever been in school know - who the heck ever remembers an entire year of information? Which brings me to my next point.
To truly know and understand relationships, to really know how to handle situations and practice healthy relationship techniques takes way more than a year. It takes an entire life time. It takes more than reading a book once, you must continue to read it, to search for more material. To read that, to talk about it, to understand it, and to read it again. It takes situations you both encounter time and time again, acting out in a negative way, internalizing your mistake, and trying to do it better the next time. It takes learning what works with your partner, no matter what a book says. I love the basis that the year gave both of us in this relationship, I am a much different person now in my relationship than I was in any previous one.
Two. Much like you cannot solidify your knowledge of relationships in a year, nor can you solidify your relationship with God. Like your relationship with your partner, this takes a life time. A lifetime of learning, searching, and studying. My relationship with God is ever growing, changing, and broadening. My understanding of the scripture will change with every situation in my life. I will have to read, re read, and continue to read the Bible and various other texts to grasp and continue to grasp my walk with Jesus. Anthony and I will have to continue inserting God in the center of our relationship to ensure that God truly is the heart and soul of our relationship, but this takes more than a year - it takes a life time.
So while I may have come here to close out an adventure, a chapter in my life, I realized that my adventure - that chapter - is really just beginning.
Showing posts with label One Year Challenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label One Year Challenge. Show all posts
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Wedding over Marriage
I stumbled upon a Yahoo article about a couple who had been married 73 years before the man, Pop Pop, died. Their granddaughters, along with the woman, Cutie, decided to write a book about their love - titled How To Fall in Love for Life. Naturally, I bought the book and naturally, I am hooked.
While reading the chapter on their marriage I was surprised to read what their wedding entailed. Not only did they wed after only 5 months but their wedding was a traditional, simplistic wedding. One in which Cutie's father planned - one where they only knew about 30 of the 130 guests in attendance. She didn't pick out her dress, nor did she pick out the menu. Obviously they didn't choose the guest list either.
She points out that today, they wrote the book in 2012, weddings become a huge headache. Often times the details muddle what the day is truly about. It's about two people coming together in love - to become one, to build a life together.
They got married in 1937, after only knowing one another for 5 months. Yet they lasted 73 years before one of them died. Besides all of the wonderful advice she gives about accepting your partner for who they are and taking time to yourself when you get too angry - she points out that she could have cared less if her napkins matched the groomsmen's socks - because that's not what a wedding is about.
I wonder how different marriages would be, how different the divorce rate would be, if we went into a wedding with the goal of marriage in mind rather than impressing everyone in attendance with our fancy table settings.
I wonder when the wedding became all about the woman and never about the man involved. When they decided to sit back and watch as their future wife took over everything. I wonder what it would be like to make every decision together - or at least most of them - just as you would once married.
How different would a marriage be if planning for the wedding was a practice run for marriage?
I understand that many people say that those people stuck it out even if they weren't happy - and today we believe in our own happiness 100 percent of the time - and I haven't gotten to the chapter on their hardships, but i'm sure there were many.
Maybe the difference is that they saw themselves as two children going in to a life together, learning together, and growing together - always with the other's best interest in mind. They made it work - because they were both brand new, they were both just as scared, but they were both just as thrilled.
And two became one. . .
While reading the chapter on their marriage I was surprised to read what their wedding entailed. Not only did they wed after only 5 months but their wedding was a traditional, simplistic wedding. One in which Cutie's father planned - one where they only knew about 30 of the 130 guests in attendance. She didn't pick out her dress, nor did she pick out the menu. Obviously they didn't choose the guest list either.
She points out that today, they wrote the book in 2012, weddings become a huge headache. Often times the details muddle what the day is truly about. It's about two people coming together in love - to become one, to build a life together.
They got married in 1937, after only knowing one another for 5 months. Yet they lasted 73 years before one of them died. Besides all of the wonderful advice she gives about accepting your partner for who they are and taking time to yourself when you get too angry - she points out that she could have cared less if her napkins matched the groomsmen's socks - because that's not what a wedding is about.
I wonder how different marriages would be, how different the divorce rate would be, if we went into a wedding with the goal of marriage in mind rather than impressing everyone in attendance with our fancy table settings.
I wonder when the wedding became all about the woman and never about the man involved. When they decided to sit back and watch as their future wife took over everything. I wonder what it would be like to make every decision together - or at least most of them - just as you would once married.
How different would a marriage be if planning for the wedding was a practice run for marriage?
I understand that many people say that those people stuck it out even if they weren't happy - and today we believe in our own happiness 100 percent of the time - and I haven't gotten to the chapter on their hardships, but i'm sure there were many.
Maybe the difference is that they saw themselves as two children going in to a life together, learning together, and growing together - always with the other's best interest in mind. They made it work - because they were both brand new, they were both just as scared, but they were both just as thrilled.
And two became one. . .
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Hard to comprehend
How do you handle tough situations?
We all handle them differently. When we find ourselves faced with difficult times and don't know where to turn we often turn to those we care about and trust most. During the past few months and through hours of research into the types of people we surround ourselves with I have figured out a couple things.
One of those things is that not all of our friends are helpful. Not everyone should be a source of support and advice. For instance in the book Boundaries in Dating the doctors who wrote the book specify that those you reach out to during relationship problems shouldn't be the people who only take your side or beat up on the other person.
We should be reaching out to people who openly listen to all of our concerns and problems but are also willing to listen to all of the ways in which we have decided to cope with these difficult times. We should be reaching out to people who have heartfelt messages intended to help both people involved. They should be wise and level headed enough to help us see not only our significant others faults but also our own faults.
We should be reaching out to people who have our best interest in mind and have mature ways of dealing with issues. Obviously that leaves one question, are you the type of person i'm describing?
As a friend we tend to feel a lot of empathy when our friends come to us with difficult situations. Sometimes we forget that how we react directly effects how our friends will respond and what they may do. Are we acting out of love and in the best interest of those involved? Is what you're saying or doing supporting the decisions that person has decided to make?
When I say supporting I do not mean you agree with their choices and I don't mean that you say nothing to oppose their choices. What I mean is that you give mature, sound advice outlining the pros and cons.
Often times we get caught up in emotional responses hell bent on anger, not realizing that these emotional responses can isolate the person from the solution they were seeking.
I guess what i'm getting at is that over the past year I have tried to distinguish not only who are the type of people I can really trust in difficult situations but also the ways in which I can be one of those people.
Because not even your best friend is the best friend for every situation.
So, as I sit back watching people attempt to help their friends in unhealthy and negative ways I fight back the urge to assert myself into their moment. Why? Because if i'm going to talk about handling situations maturely, I can't let my burnt fuse get the best of me, as they have chosen to do.
We all handle them differently. When we find ourselves faced with difficult times and don't know where to turn we often turn to those we care about and trust most. During the past few months and through hours of research into the types of people we surround ourselves with I have figured out a couple things.
One of those things is that not all of our friends are helpful. Not everyone should be a source of support and advice. For instance in the book Boundaries in Dating the doctors who wrote the book specify that those you reach out to during relationship problems shouldn't be the people who only take your side or beat up on the other person.
We should be reaching out to people who openly listen to all of our concerns and problems but are also willing to listen to all of the ways in which we have decided to cope with these difficult times. We should be reaching out to people who have heartfelt messages intended to help both people involved. They should be wise and level headed enough to help us see not only our significant others faults but also our own faults.
We should be reaching out to people who have our best interest in mind and have mature ways of dealing with issues. Obviously that leaves one question, are you the type of person i'm describing?
As a friend we tend to feel a lot of empathy when our friends come to us with difficult situations. Sometimes we forget that how we react directly effects how our friends will respond and what they may do. Are we acting out of love and in the best interest of those involved? Is what you're saying or doing supporting the decisions that person has decided to make?
When I say supporting I do not mean you agree with their choices and I don't mean that you say nothing to oppose their choices. What I mean is that you give mature, sound advice outlining the pros and cons.
Often times we get caught up in emotional responses hell bent on anger, not realizing that these emotional responses can isolate the person from the solution they were seeking.
I guess what i'm getting at is that over the past year I have tried to distinguish not only who are the type of people I can really trust in difficult situations but also the ways in which I can be one of those people.
Because not even your best friend is the best friend for every situation.
So, as I sit back watching people attempt to help their friends in unhealthy and negative ways I fight back the urge to assert myself into their moment. Why? Because if i'm going to talk about handling situations maturely, I can't let my burnt fuse get the best of me, as they have chosen to do.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Marriage is . . .
As many of you know, I have dedicated a year of my life to studying love and marriage. Relationships and myself. I have dedicated a year to getting to the bottom of what it is that creates a healthy marriage and coincidentally a healthy home for my children.
And over the past few days I've been wondering, what is marriage?
Here's what I have come up with, from the mind of a never-been-married child who still has much to learn and can only hope to someday have what I have discovered over the past 7 months.
Marriage is a list of vows. Vows are promises. Marriage is a list of promises. But really marriage is quite simply a promise.
It is a promise to grow together, to understand and accept change in one another. To hope for the best and prepare for the worst in each other.
It is a promise to share life with the other, to get excited about the little things, and also about the big.
Marriage is a promise to make mature decisions about the other. To remember that you are not the only person who matters now [not that you ever were]. It is a promise to think of the other when making life altering decisions.
It is a promise to treat your spouse as you would like to be treated. To listen to the other person, to talk at no end all about life, love, your dreams, and your fears with the person whom you have chosen to spend your life with.
A promise to spend your life with that person. You have chosen this person, that one, out of the billions of people on this Earth - you chose them - and you promised that they would be more important than any other. Promised.
It is a promise to make plans together, to laugh together, to cry together, to cheer each other on, to search out every nook and cranny in the other. A promise to respect the other, to love the other, to value the other - even in their imperfections.
Marriage is a promise to forgive even the most unforgivable in the other. Because we are human, we will fail. We do fail. Every day. You promised to love the failures and to pick each other up no matter how far you fell.
A promise to inspire hope in each other. To pursue God together. To pursue life together. To take a genuine interest in what the other would like to do forever, because you promised to be a part of that forever, together.
It is a promise to recommit when you have found yourself truly separated from one another. To look upon the ways you have failed each other and remember the vows you took on day one - to come back to that love. To take one step forward, and then two, and then three - toward the future you both want.
It is a promise to remember that this is your best friend. The one who looked you in the eye on the day you wed and said "till death do us part."
It is a promise that no matter how fun the outside world is, nothing could be better than growing closer to your partner each year and looking back on all of the times you almost failed. A promise to try your hardest because crying yourself to sleep through the hard times is worth the laughter and the love during the good times.
A promise to remember how much life would truly stink without that person around. A promise to remember that no matter how green your neighbors lawn looks, they have the same grass as you - they just might have taken better care of it.
So you're promising to water your grass, to cut your grass, and to watch that green grass grow with GLORY.
Because at the end of your life, when you look across the table at the person you gave yourself to years ago, you will see the person who knows you better than anyone, who loves you further than anyone ever will, whose seen you at your worst as well as at your best.
The person who never walked away from you.
because they made a promise . . .
. . . and kept it.
And over the past few days I've been wondering, what is marriage?
Here's what I have come up with, from the mind of a never-been-married child who still has much to learn and can only hope to someday have what I have discovered over the past 7 months.
Marriage is a list of vows. Vows are promises. Marriage is a list of promises. But really marriage is quite simply a promise.
It is a promise to grow together, to understand and accept change in one another. To hope for the best and prepare for the worst in each other.
It is a promise to share life with the other, to get excited about the little things, and also about the big.
Marriage is a promise to make mature decisions about the other. To remember that you are not the only person who matters now [not that you ever were]. It is a promise to think of the other when making life altering decisions.
It is a promise to treat your spouse as you would like to be treated. To listen to the other person, to talk at no end all about life, love, your dreams, and your fears with the person whom you have chosen to spend your life with.
A promise to spend your life with that person. You have chosen this person, that one, out of the billions of people on this Earth - you chose them - and you promised that they would be more important than any other. Promised.
It is a promise to make plans together, to laugh together, to cry together, to cheer each other on, to search out every nook and cranny in the other. A promise to respect the other, to love the other, to value the other - even in their imperfections.
Marriage is a promise to forgive even the most unforgivable in the other. Because we are human, we will fail. We do fail. Every day. You promised to love the failures and to pick each other up no matter how far you fell.
A promise to inspire hope in each other. To pursue God together. To pursue life together. To take a genuine interest in what the other would like to do forever, because you promised to be a part of that forever, together.
It is a promise to recommit when you have found yourself truly separated from one another. To look upon the ways you have failed each other and remember the vows you took on day one - to come back to that love. To take one step forward, and then two, and then three - toward the future you both want.
It is a promise to remember that this is your best friend. The one who looked you in the eye on the day you wed and said "till death do us part."
It is a promise that no matter how fun the outside world is, nothing could be better than growing closer to your partner each year and looking back on all of the times you almost failed. A promise to try your hardest because crying yourself to sleep through the hard times is worth the laughter and the love during the good times.
A promise to remember how much life would truly stink without that person around. A promise to remember that no matter how green your neighbors lawn looks, they have the same grass as you - they just might have taken better care of it.
So you're promising to water your grass, to cut your grass, and to watch that green grass grow with GLORY.
Because at the end of your life, when you look across the table at the person you gave yourself to years ago, you will see the person who knows you better than anyone, who loves you further than anyone ever will, whose seen you at your worst as well as at your best.
The person who never walked away from you.
because they made a promise . . .
. . . and kept it.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Love is a choice
Over the past several months I have been reading many books that delve into the topic of love. One reoccurring theme in each of these books is the difference between love and being in love. Difference you say? Why, what difference is there?
As C.S Lewis points out, being in love is but a mere feeling. A feeling which brings us on a roller coaster of emotion and feeds into our imaginations and our spirits. But again, it is only a feeling. And feelings, they go away. In his book Mere Christianity, he asks the question "who would want to feel on top of the world every single day for the rest of their lives?" How exhausting. He then leads us into love. Love, being a quiet subtle choice that each of us makes upon marrying our best friends.
Love is a choice. It is a choice to remain partners when the feelings of being "in love" come and go. It is a choice to stick by the vows you have taken. Which, again, C.S Lewis points out that these vows are promises. Promises that so few really listen to - and so many choose to ignore. To keep these promises is to keep your integrity - to stand by your word to the person you chose to promise your whole life to.
A choice. A choice to work hard to fall in love over and over again - but to stick around even when the feelings of being in love have dulled to a quiet whisper, waiting to rear it's head when the time is right.
When we hate, our hate grows stronger and stronger. We choose to dislike - and we choose to become angry. In doing so our interruptions grow stronger. They fill us with a contempt that runs deep.
But when we love, when we choose to love and to like - to seek out the good in others, we truly love. It, too, grows stronger and stronger.
C.S Lewis recommends pretending you like someone, then pretending you love someone. He is referring to the scripture "love your neighbor as you love yourself" but I chose to carry this into my love speech. Because when we choose to love our partner as we love ourselves the same logic applies. We may love ourselves but that does not always mean that we like ourselves. In fact there are many things we don't like about ourselves - but we wish ourselves better people. We wish that others would treat us a certain way. So why, then, do we choose not to treat our spouses with the same respect? To treat them as we would like to be treated.
As you can tell, C.S Lewis as made quite the impact on me.
I hear so many people explaining away divorce with the reason "maybe they weren't in love anymore." Well, maybe they weren't - but that doesn't mean there wasn't love anymore. It means that the feeling we had melted away to something, that if properly tended, can grow into something so much more beautiful than being "in love."
Falling out of love shouldn't be a reason for divorce. It should be a reason to rekindle that love.
And I am sure that you will find, after all that time, you are still very much in love.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Why aren't their arms reaching?
So since I have pursued deepening my relationship with the Lord I have also begun craving more Christ centered friendships. I have even gone so far as to message those whom I perceive to have good relationships with God and can help me through the questions I have. And when I say crave, I mean yearn uncontrollably for closer relationships with people who are more mature Christians than myself. The response? Nothing.
Which leaves me wondering, am I not the kind of person these people want to be friends with? Is there something about me which they perceive to be toxic to their own walk in faith? When I have questions, do they feel that I am inadequate or is it that they themselves feel inadequate to answer those questions? All my life I have been different than most of my friends - which has served me well - it's always been okay that I didn't have people to relate to. It was okay that they couldn't understand losing siblings or parents, that they couldn't understand alcoholism and drug addictions. It was okay when they thought me funny for not wanting to partake in drugs or alcohol. But now, when I am reaching out the most to those who have the kind of relationships with those around them that I would like, I feel isolated. Now I want more than anything to relate. To fit in to "that" crowd.
Tonight I watched a sermon on how Jesus commands us not to worry, and how he loves us more than he does the birds [Matthew 6:24-27] and that we should trust him to provide for us. Andy Stanley made the statement that what Jesus means is that at the end of the day, if we have done all that we can do, we should take a deep breath and trust him to provide for us how he will. And he will.
My life is amazing, and even at the worst moments God has shone through with yet another blessing, another life lesson. One of those things I realized tonight is that while the arms of those around me may not be reaching - mine may not be either. For instance, although I messaged those people to hang out, maybe I wasn't assertive enough. I didn't ask for their numbers and pursue making plans. If I am going to ask God for the type of people that i'd like to have in my life - I need to actively pursue those friendships. I need to go to the twenty somethings group I've been looking into for the past month - I need to try harder.
And then I need to relax. Because I will know, I have done all I can do.
Have you done all you can? Do you reach out to those who are visibly seeking your friendship in their lives? If not, why? If we are the body of Christ - our hands should be reaching out to those around us. We should be welcoming people into our hearts and into our lives.
I hate feeling as though I do not have someone to welcome me into their walk with Jesus, to help me understand things that a person not raised with God can't possibly know. I can only imagine how many people walked away from their pursuit of Jesus because nobody loved them back.
Which leaves me wondering, am I not the kind of person these people want to be friends with? Is there something about me which they perceive to be toxic to their own walk in faith? When I have questions, do they feel that I am inadequate or is it that they themselves feel inadequate to answer those questions? All my life I have been different than most of my friends - which has served me well - it's always been okay that I didn't have people to relate to. It was okay that they couldn't understand losing siblings or parents, that they couldn't understand alcoholism and drug addictions. It was okay when they thought me funny for not wanting to partake in drugs or alcohol. But now, when I am reaching out the most to those who have the kind of relationships with those around them that I would like, I feel isolated. Now I want more than anything to relate. To fit in to "that" crowd.
Tonight I watched a sermon on how Jesus commands us not to worry, and how he loves us more than he does the birds [Matthew 6:24-27] and that we should trust him to provide for us. Andy Stanley made the statement that what Jesus means is that at the end of the day, if we have done all that we can do, we should take a deep breath and trust him to provide for us how he will. And he will.
My life is amazing, and even at the worst moments God has shone through with yet another blessing, another life lesson. One of those things I realized tonight is that while the arms of those around me may not be reaching - mine may not be either. For instance, although I messaged those people to hang out, maybe I wasn't assertive enough. I didn't ask for their numbers and pursue making plans. If I am going to ask God for the type of people that i'd like to have in my life - I need to actively pursue those friendships. I need to go to the twenty somethings group I've been looking into for the past month - I need to try harder.
And then I need to relax. Because I will know, I have done all I can do.
Have you done all you can? Do you reach out to those who are visibly seeking your friendship in their lives? If not, why? If we are the body of Christ - our hands should be reaching out to those around us. We should be welcoming people into our hearts and into our lives.
I hate feeling as though I do not have someone to welcome me into their walk with Jesus, to help me understand things that a person not raised with God can't possibly know. I can only imagine how many people walked away from their pursuit of Jesus because nobody loved them back.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Resisting Temptation: What to tell my children.
So, ever since I was fifteen I have made decisions based on the children I didn't have. This sounds crazy to a lot of people that know this about me but today I feel a little vindicated. Why? Because I watched another Andy Stanley sermon. For those of you not caught up, Andy Stanley's sermons are the inspiration behind my year long challenge.
When I decided to become celibate I did so as a promise to God. When I took this challenge I decided to even abstain from kissing and other signs of overt sexual affection. Not because I believe kissing to be wrong - but because kissing leads to more; its a temptation. Now although I have kept my promise to abstain from sex - I did transgress further than I had intended. See the other two blogs on that subject.
The point is, when I spoke with Anthony about why I was so upset [which he understood], one of the things I mentioned was what I was going to tell my children someday. Thank God he is working on becoming a good Christian as well and completely heard me out and even gave me feed back. I told him that I want to be a proud mama, I don't want to be the parent that tells her kids to do and not to do A, B, and C even though I did A, B, and C. That being said I also think that it's important to let your kids know that you will fail sometimes, you will be tempted, you might give in.
Because God made us human, not Angels, as outlined in Sex God [a book].
I used to believe that because I only slept with people I was in a committed relationship with that I wasn't giving into temptations, that I was still being a good woman. However obviously that is a temptation and this isn't what I want to teach my children; that just because it's not a one night stand, God approves. Just because we are tempted doesn't mean that we give in to those temptations; and that is the crux of what I want them to know. That when we make a decision not to partake in something, we stick by those decisions and what's at stake is much more than that moment, than that small temptation.
And while I felt dramatic at the moment telling Anthony these things, I felt relieved when, while watching Andy Stanley, he made the statement that when we give into temptations our futures, others futures, and our faith are all at stake.
Although this sounds dramatic, it rings true. Because in that moment I went beyond my boundaries, I immediately imagined myself telling my children what I believe to be right, and then what my response would be when they asked "Mommy, did you wait?" I already cannot say no but I hope I can tell them a story of growth, of prosperity in my faith. A story of redemption.
When we give in to temptation, even small ones, we are saying that we do not trust God to take care of us. Where would we be had Jesus not resisted the temptation of the Devil while he was in the desert?
Nobody is perfect, and I don't want to raise self righteous children who judge another's testimony, but I want them to have a good example. I want to be that good example.
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1 A
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1B
When I decided to become celibate I did so as a promise to God. When I took this challenge I decided to even abstain from kissing and other signs of overt sexual affection. Not because I believe kissing to be wrong - but because kissing leads to more; its a temptation. Now although I have kept my promise to abstain from sex - I did transgress further than I had intended. See the other two blogs on that subject.
The point is, when I spoke with Anthony about why I was so upset [which he understood], one of the things I mentioned was what I was going to tell my children someday. Thank God he is working on becoming a good Christian as well and completely heard me out and even gave me feed back. I told him that I want to be a proud mama, I don't want to be the parent that tells her kids to do and not to do A, B, and C even though I did A, B, and C. That being said I also think that it's important to let your kids know that you will fail sometimes, you will be tempted, you might give in.
Because God made us human, not Angels, as outlined in Sex God [a book].
I used to believe that because I only slept with people I was in a committed relationship with that I wasn't giving into temptations, that I was still being a good woman. However obviously that is a temptation and this isn't what I want to teach my children; that just because it's not a one night stand, God approves. Just because we are tempted doesn't mean that we give in to those temptations; and that is the crux of what I want them to know. That when we make a decision not to partake in something, we stick by those decisions and what's at stake is much more than that moment, than that small temptation.
And while I felt dramatic at the moment telling Anthony these things, I felt relieved when, while watching Andy Stanley, he made the statement that when we give into temptations our futures, others futures, and our faith are all at stake.
Although this sounds dramatic, it rings true. Because in that moment I went beyond my boundaries, I immediately imagined myself telling my children what I believe to be right, and then what my response would be when they asked "Mommy, did you wait?" I already cannot say no but I hope I can tell them a story of growth, of prosperity in my faith. A story of redemption.
When we give in to temptation, even small ones, we are saying that we do not trust God to take care of us. Where would we be had Jesus not resisted the temptation of the Devil while he was in the desert?
Nobody is perfect, and I don't want to raise self righteous children who judge another's testimony, but I want them to have a good example. I want to be that good example.
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1 A
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1B
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Society over Jesus
So I feel as though some people may have gotten the wrong impression in my last blog post. While I talked highly of my experience in California and of my experience with someone who knows how to treat a woman - and that I even said I was okay with justification of my actions, I did not mean that I am not still working at bettering myself as a person. I also didn't intend to give the impression that I didn't think I would have learned all those valuable lessons had I followed through with my original goal. That being said I realized something extremely important and troubling; I am putting the opinions of those around me ahead of the opinion of Jesus - the only one whose opinion truly matters.
I have taken this year to better my relationship with God and myself and in doing so I believe I am learning a lot, and one of those things is how much I value the thoughts and ideas of those around me. In my previous blog I expressed how happy I was at all I learned and how far I had come in knowing what I deserve from just a few short months ago. I was overjoyed with the response I received from friends and family when they found out that I had broken my promise to myself. What I lost sight of is the fact that I broke my promise to God. I got caught up in things of this world, and I lost sight of where I had intended to be.
It's almost embarrassing being so candid in my ups and downs - but I want to be honest. Because while some Christians exude this easy walk with Jesus, it has made it difficult for myself and others to see how failure was ever forgiven. I pray that i'm finding the right words to express myself - because I think it's important to know that everyone falls short of the glory of God.
I want to be relate-able. I want others to know that the goal is not perfection but merely striving to be a better person in the eyes of God. It would be a shame for me to express the ways in which I succeed and not mention the ways in which I fall short - because that doesn't bring people closer to God, it pushes them into a place where they find Christians to be righteous hypocrites, condemning those around them whenever they trip or fall.
So, as stated previously, I held back a lot more than some people would while I was in California, but I gave in more than I had intended. And while I learned valuable lessons while I was there - most of those lessons could have been learned without crossing into the non-platonic. They could have been learned even if I had kept my promise to God. So while I fall short yet again, I have come closer to an understanding of where I need to be, and how far I have come.
In the end I want to be immersed in God's love - and have my cup overflowing with what he intends for me and my life. I want to put his opinion of me above all others - and even when those around me tell me i'm doing a good job - it is more important to know that God feels I am doing a good job.
I have taken this year to better my relationship with God and myself and in doing so I believe I am learning a lot, and one of those things is how much I value the thoughts and ideas of those around me. In my previous blog I expressed how happy I was at all I learned and how far I had come in knowing what I deserve from just a few short months ago. I was overjoyed with the response I received from friends and family when they found out that I had broken my promise to myself. What I lost sight of is the fact that I broke my promise to God. I got caught up in things of this world, and I lost sight of where I had intended to be.
It's almost embarrassing being so candid in my ups and downs - but I want to be honest. Because while some Christians exude this easy walk with Jesus, it has made it difficult for myself and others to see how failure was ever forgiven. I pray that i'm finding the right words to express myself - because I think it's important to know that everyone falls short of the glory of God.
I want to be relate-able. I want others to know that the goal is not perfection but merely striving to be a better person in the eyes of God. It would be a shame for me to express the ways in which I succeed and not mention the ways in which I fall short - because that doesn't bring people closer to God, it pushes them into a place where they find Christians to be righteous hypocrites, condemning those around them whenever they trip or fall.
So, as stated previously, I held back a lot more than some people would while I was in California, but I gave in more than I had intended. And while I learned valuable lessons while I was there - most of those lessons could have been learned without crossing into the non-platonic. They could have been learned even if I had kept my promise to God. So while I fall short yet again, I have come closer to an understanding of where I need to be, and how far I have come.
In the end I want to be immersed in God's love - and have my cup overflowing with what he intends for me and my life. I want to put his opinion of me above all others - and even when those around me tell me i'm doing a good job - it is more important to know that God feels I am doing a good job.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Playing With Fire
So I wasn't going to write about this, because it's a little more personal than I choose to divulge. But I decided that since I made the choice to chronical my one year challenge that I need to share everything - not just the good, but the bad, and the necessary. The truth is, this is difficult, more difficult than I had anticipated when I took this journey. As my dad put it, I have done the take away on myself. Before I took this step I was completely content being alone - as I have stated many times before - but since then I have become a little bit TOO interested in human relationships and their place in my life.
As many of you know I attended the Marine Corps Ball with my friend Anthony this past weekend. He asked me to attend the ball long before I took the challenge and while I considered changing my mind I decided to stick by my word. I had an absolute blast but I didn't hold back as much as I had intended - to clarify, I held back much more than some would.
That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Anthony is a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep in separate rooms, he refrained from holding my hand unless I held his. He never made a move, and he was determined to treat me the way a man should treat a woman. Which may have been my downfall quite honestly. Back to the point.
I deviated from my original goal and I was upset with myself for doing so - however, I learned some very valuable lessons. Over the past three months whenever I have spoken with Anthony leading up to and during this weekend I have questioned whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him - or if I was crossing my own boundaries of the task at hand. During this trip I realized how much I have learned and am applying to my friendships not only with Anthony but with many other people in my life.
There is a threshold in which two people have a hard time coming back from once it is crossed. I am being vulnerable here, yes, but I think it should be mentioned. I once thought that people should be able to come back from that threshold once crossed but I now understand that it should never be crossed. To come back is harder than if you never venture there. I have long questioned how people wait until marriage to give themselves away, and other than the fact that they cannot miss what they don't know, I've concluded that many of them never allow it to get that far. They understand their boundaries and they stick to them.
So while I didn't hold back as much as I wanted - I am not really too upset with myself. Because I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my tendencies to not only blame the man for discrepancies, but in my past I have failed to search out people who have good hearts.
I paid attention to things I would usually never pay attention to on this trip, and I learned a few things. I learned what it is to be treated like a princess. To feel respected and admired. To be thought of and put first. I learned what it is to hold hands and to laugh without motives. I learned how to pray with somebody in a room full of people. I learned what it felt like to be looked at like you were the only one in the room. I learned where my boundaries lie and what it's like to have someone who doesn't cross those boundaries, without your permission. I learned that there are people who listen whole heartedly to what you have to say. There are people who appreciate you for exactly who you are. That when you are treated that way, you want to treat the other person the same. I got a first hand example of the type of man I have been reading about for the past three months.
So although I have long questioned whether it was a good idea to talk to Anthony as much as I do, and whether it is a good idea to "practice" various concepts on him; this weekend, I got my answer.
Some may call this justification, and it just might be. Thats okay with me.
As many of you know I attended the Marine Corps Ball with my friend Anthony this past weekend. He asked me to attend the ball long before I took the challenge and while I considered changing my mind I decided to stick by my word. I had an absolute blast but I didn't hold back as much as I had intended - to clarify, I held back much more than some would.
That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Anthony is a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep in separate rooms, he refrained from holding my hand unless I held his. He never made a move, and he was determined to treat me the way a man should treat a woman. Which may have been my downfall quite honestly. Back to the point.
I deviated from my original goal and I was upset with myself for doing so - however, I learned some very valuable lessons. Over the past three months whenever I have spoken with Anthony leading up to and during this weekend I have questioned whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him - or if I was crossing my own boundaries of the task at hand. During this trip I realized how much I have learned and am applying to my friendships not only with Anthony but with many other people in my life.
There is a threshold in which two people have a hard time coming back from once it is crossed. I am being vulnerable here, yes, but I think it should be mentioned. I once thought that people should be able to come back from that threshold once crossed but I now understand that it should never be crossed. To come back is harder than if you never venture there. I have long questioned how people wait until marriage to give themselves away, and other than the fact that they cannot miss what they don't know, I've concluded that many of them never allow it to get that far. They understand their boundaries and they stick to them.
So while I didn't hold back as much as I wanted - I am not really too upset with myself. Because I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my tendencies to not only blame the man for discrepancies, but in my past I have failed to search out people who have good hearts.
I paid attention to things I would usually never pay attention to on this trip, and I learned a few things. I learned what it is to be treated like a princess. To feel respected and admired. To be thought of and put first. I learned what it is to hold hands and to laugh without motives. I learned how to pray with somebody in a room full of people. I learned what it felt like to be looked at like you were the only one in the room. I learned where my boundaries lie and what it's like to have someone who doesn't cross those boundaries, without your permission. I learned that there are people who listen whole heartedly to what you have to say. There are people who appreciate you for exactly who you are. That when you are treated that way, you want to treat the other person the same. I got a first hand example of the type of man I have been reading about for the past three months.
So although I have long questioned whether it was a good idea to talk to Anthony as much as I do, and whether it is a good idea to "practice" various concepts on him; this weekend, I got my answer.
Some may call this justification, and it just might be. Thats okay with me.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
To Marry Your Best Friend.
Kassie is my best friend. If you know me, chances are, you know this simple truth. However that doesn't mean you know Kassie. I live with her, talk to her everyday, and she knows everything about me. But some of my friends have only seen her in passing - it sounds like i'm talking about a stuffed animal here but I can assure you, she's real. The thing is Kassie and I are complete opposites.
Sure, throughout our friendship we have become more and more alike but in those basic fundamental ways we are far from a like. We have different tastes in music, men, food, dancing, dress, decoration styles, and expression. But Kassie and I have something most friends do not have - we have history and acceptance of the others flaws and awesomeness. Kassie and I have accepted each other for who we are, basically.
Why am I talking about my best girlfriend when the title of this post is "To Marry Your Best Friend" well no I am not considering swinging the opposite way - but Kassie is my best friend and the other day it dawned on me that I want a relationship like we have when I get married.
For instance, when Kassie wakes up in the morning, even though she hates uttering even a breath when she rolls out of bed she says "good morning," because she knows I like hearing good morning. And the other day when I was doing something or saying something [ I can't remember ] I told someone how Kassie would feel about something because I love her and I know her. So I made sure of this thing. That's when it hit me. Kassie and I think of each other when we do things. Even when we know we don't want to do something. We keep the other person's feelings in mind and we have accepted our fighting styles, our laughing styles, we don't get [too] offended when the other isn't up to par that day and we still love each other after we're angry. We hardly hold things against one another for months or weeks or even days - not that we're perfect at that either. We always say I love you and we make sure to make time for one another. We know that we can NOT forget each others birthdays and we leave notes for each other when life gets messy.
Is Kassie the perfect husband or WHAT?!?! Just kidding, but seriously. On this year journey, and long before, I have made it a point to ask what people like about their marriages and what they don't. I read books about good relationships and I listen to what the pastor says in church about being a good partner. Yet here I am, with my best friend, and we have it down pretty good.
I told Kassie the other day that if I could find a man and we had all these same things - plus more [obviously] then I would have found the love of my life. She then pointed out that we weren't always like this. In the beginning of our friendship we fought, compared one another to the other, and had a general mistrust of the other but over the past 8 years we have built something great. I don't want a relationship that starts out with arguing because that leads to resentment but I want to understand that love, like friendships, age. Relationships take time for two people to get to know the other, to appreciate all that the person is made of, and to accept with love the others differences. To fight and make it through stronger, and to make think of the other persons feelings when you're doing something.
Kassie and I have even found that we have grown apart, only to grow back together, and we're not afraid to point these moments out - when we don't understand the other person or how they've become. We say things out loud, with honesty, in an attempt to get back to where we were - thank God we usually make it back, better than before. Even when I am angry with her or annoyed or I feel unappreciated, etc - I could not turn my back on my best friend. We have made it through what most friendships do not and even in the middle of an argument we don't turn to another and say "Kassie/Heather is no longer my best friend." We have each others backs, we support each other, and we go out of our way to be a good person in the others life. We bring each other up, not tear each other down, and we work on communicating all the time.
So when I am looking for examples on how to honor 1 Corinthians 13 or the type of relationship I want with my future husband, all I have to do is look to my best friend, because we have learned what it takes to make a relationship work, to grow together, and to love each other no matter what happens. That's what I want in a husband some day, and how lucky am I that I have that in a best friend as well?
Sure, throughout our friendship we have become more and more alike but in those basic fundamental ways we are far from a like. We have different tastes in music, men, food, dancing, dress, decoration styles, and expression. But Kassie and I have something most friends do not have - we have history and acceptance of the others flaws and awesomeness. Kassie and I have accepted each other for who we are, basically.
Why am I talking about my best girlfriend when the title of this post is "To Marry Your Best Friend" well no I am not considering swinging the opposite way - but Kassie is my best friend and the other day it dawned on me that I want a relationship like we have when I get married.
For instance, when Kassie wakes up in the morning, even though she hates uttering even a breath when she rolls out of bed she says "good morning," because she knows I like hearing good morning. And the other day when I was doing something or saying something [ I can't remember ] I told someone how Kassie would feel about something because I love her and I know her. So I made sure of this thing. That's when it hit me. Kassie and I think of each other when we do things. Even when we know we don't want to do something. We keep the other person's feelings in mind and we have accepted our fighting styles, our laughing styles, we don't get [too] offended when the other isn't up to par that day and we still love each other after we're angry. We hardly hold things against one another for months or weeks or even days - not that we're perfect at that either. We always say I love you and we make sure to make time for one another. We know that we can NOT forget each others birthdays and we leave notes for each other when life gets messy.
Is Kassie the perfect husband or WHAT?!?! Just kidding, but seriously. On this year journey, and long before, I have made it a point to ask what people like about their marriages and what they don't. I read books about good relationships and I listen to what the pastor says in church about being a good partner. Yet here I am, with my best friend, and we have it down pretty good.
I told Kassie the other day that if I could find a man and we had all these same things - plus more [obviously] then I would have found the love of my life. She then pointed out that we weren't always like this. In the beginning of our friendship we fought, compared one another to the other, and had a general mistrust of the other but over the past 8 years we have built something great. I don't want a relationship that starts out with arguing because that leads to resentment but I want to understand that love, like friendships, age. Relationships take time for two people to get to know the other, to appreciate all that the person is made of, and to accept with love the others differences. To fight and make it through stronger, and to make think of the other persons feelings when you're doing something.
Kassie and I have even found that we have grown apart, only to grow back together, and we're not afraid to point these moments out - when we don't understand the other person or how they've become. We say things out loud, with honesty, in an attempt to get back to where we were - thank God we usually make it back, better than before. Even when I am angry with her or annoyed or I feel unappreciated, etc - I could not turn my back on my best friend. We have made it through what most friendships do not and even in the middle of an argument we don't turn to another and say "Kassie/Heather is no longer my best friend." We have each others backs, we support each other, and we go out of our way to be a good person in the others life. We bring each other up, not tear each other down, and we work on communicating all the time.
So when I am looking for examples on how to honor 1 Corinthians 13 or the type of relationship I want with my future husband, all I have to do is look to my best friend, because we have learned what it takes to make a relationship work, to grow together, and to love each other no matter what happens. That's what I want in a husband some day, and how lucky am I that I have that in a best friend as well?
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Jesus is my . . . boyfriend?
I believe I've mentioned this book before, but I am reading the book Sex God by Rob Bell, and it is fantastic. I recently read the chapter titled "Under the Chuppah."
A chuppah is something used in Jewish weddings, I believe it is used for more but I am no expert. Anyway, when two people are married they stand under the chuppah. In the Bible the chuppah is also a prayer cloth or something to that effect, which symbolizes being under God or connected to God - something along those lines. The chuppah is used in a marriage ceremony to signify the union of these two people under God and with God.
Once these people were married, in the old times, they were whisked off to their room to consecrate their marriage. During this time people would wait outside until they were done - and once they were, a celebration would ensue, for days on end. Sex was something that came with marriage.
Rob then gets into the passages pertaining to men marring women whom they've slept with. There are two, very controversial passages here, one which states that if a man sleeps with a woman promised to someone else he must marry her and pay the bride price for her. Another states that if a man rapes a virgin he must pay her bride price and marry her as well. This is why I love this book, because he then explains these passages. Maybe not the way every other pastor would but in a way that I could understand, because those were hard for me to read when I came to that part in the Bible.
Anyway, during that period in history women had no value. If a man wanted to rape a woman he could, with no consequences, leaving this woman "dirty" or unfit for marriage as they saw her. She was no longer wanted as a wife because someone had slept with her. And by sleeping with a woman promised to someone else, he could walk away and her husband would obviously no longer want her. So by commanding that these men had to marry these women - to provide for them, to feed them, clothe them, and to house them God was giving them consequences for their actions. We hear people say that God was twisted but really these people were twisted much more so without this law. They were ALLOWED to rape women because women had NO WORTH.
Which isn't even the point of my blog. The point of my blog comes later in the chapter. Where it is stated that sex symbolized marriage to God. When we have sex we have given everything of ourselves. Really I could not summarize this chapter in so few words. The chapter speaks of agape (ahh-gahh-pay). selfless, giving love. of men dying for their wives. of women holding out for the man that will die for them, give for them, agape them.
At some point Rob somehow makes the parallel between premarital sex and us cheating on God. That's right - cheating on God.
They were married under the chuppah to signify the union of two people under and with God - but the marriage was not final until they had sex. As one person under God, with God.
So, that got me thinking of the other night when a guy asked if I was available, and I said "no" he said "Oh you have a boyfriend" and I said "not exactly, I'm just taken" ::funny stare:: and I replied "by Jesus" - worst looks ever, followed by laughter. I felt silly, yes, but I have taken this year challenge so I am technically not available.
After reading this I thought, really - I am taken by Jesus. To give myself to another, without the blessing of God is to cheat on God and the things which he has given me to give to my husband. I know I obviously do not have that to give anymore - but if someone were to cheat on their husband would it be okay to continue doing so just because they've done it before? Easy answer when it's put in that context. No.
So that got me thinking, if I am Gods then shouldn't I live my life as if he were my . . . boyfriend? Which then had me wondering how that played in to my life once I can start dating again. Would I flirt with another man if I were taken? Would I date other men if I were accounted for?
Obviously those are extreme questions. The point is that sex is sacred, meant for a marriage. And dating multiple people is not wrong, its giving yourself dishonestly to multiple people that becomes the real problem. So reserving myself for the person I marry while remaining faithful to God is the real point here. But the point is a big point, a testament few can commit to, including myself.
I'd like to stand, in the eyes of God, and get married with the knowledge that I can be faithful, that I have been faithful - to the one that matters most, to the one who already has laid down his life for me.
A chuppah is something used in Jewish weddings, I believe it is used for more but I am no expert. Anyway, when two people are married they stand under the chuppah. In the Bible the chuppah is also a prayer cloth or something to that effect, which symbolizes being under God or connected to God - something along those lines. The chuppah is used in a marriage ceremony to signify the union of these two people under God and with God.
Once these people were married, in the old times, they were whisked off to their room to consecrate their marriage. During this time people would wait outside until they were done - and once they were, a celebration would ensue, for days on end. Sex was something that came with marriage.
Rob then gets into the passages pertaining to men marring women whom they've slept with. There are two, very controversial passages here, one which states that if a man sleeps with a woman promised to someone else he must marry her and pay the bride price for her. Another states that if a man rapes a virgin he must pay her bride price and marry her as well. This is why I love this book, because he then explains these passages. Maybe not the way every other pastor would but in a way that I could understand, because those were hard for me to read when I came to that part in the Bible.
Anyway, during that period in history women had no value. If a man wanted to rape a woman he could, with no consequences, leaving this woman "dirty" or unfit for marriage as they saw her. She was no longer wanted as a wife because someone had slept with her. And by sleeping with a woman promised to someone else, he could walk away and her husband would obviously no longer want her. So by commanding that these men had to marry these women - to provide for them, to feed them, clothe them, and to house them God was giving them consequences for their actions. We hear people say that God was twisted but really these people were twisted much more so without this law. They were ALLOWED to rape women because women had NO WORTH.
Which isn't even the point of my blog. The point of my blog comes later in the chapter. Where it is stated that sex symbolized marriage to God. When we have sex we have given everything of ourselves. Really I could not summarize this chapter in so few words. The chapter speaks of agape (ahh-gahh-pay). selfless, giving love. of men dying for their wives. of women holding out for the man that will die for them, give for them, agape them.
At some point Rob somehow makes the parallel between premarital sex and us cheating on God. That's right - cheating on God.
They were married under the chuppah to signify the union of two people under and with God - but the marriage was not final until they had sex. As one person under God, with God.
So, that got me thinking of the other night when a guy asked if I was available, and I said "no" he said "Oh you have a boyfriend" and I said "not exactly, I'm just taken" ::funny stare:: and I replied "by Jesus" - worst looks ever, followed by laughter. I felt silly, yes, but I have taken this year challenge so I am technically not available.
After reading this I thought, really - I am taken by Jesus. To give myself to another, without the blessing of God is to cheat on God and the things which he has given me to give to my husband. I know I obviously do not have that to give anymore - but if someone were to cheat on their husband would it be okay to continue doing so just because they've done it before? Easy answer when it's put in that context. No.
So that got me thinking, if I am Gods then shouldn't I live my life as if he were my . . . boyfriend? Which then had me wondering how that played in to my life once I can start dating again. Would I flirt with another man if I were taken? Would I date other men if I were accounted for?
Obviously those are extreme questions. The point is that sex is sacred, meant for a marriage. And dating multiple people is not wrong, its giving yourself dishonestly to multiple people that becomes the real problem. So reserving myself for the person I marry while remaining faithful to God is the real point here. But the point is a big point, a testament few can commit to, including myself.
I'd like to stand, in the eyes of God, and get married with the knowledge that I can be faithful, that I have been faithful - to the one that matters most, to the one who already has laid down his life for me.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Room For One More?
I was talking to a friend last night. As I sat and listened to them talking about their dreams: where they'd live, what they want, how they want it. While they spoke, I wondered if there were room for anyone else in those dreams.
This person was so adamant about their life goals that it seemed as though there could be room for nobody else's dreams or goals. My next thought was "am I like this?" I began tracing back to all the things I tell those around me. About my dreams of vet school and a farm, of a big family, of how I want my wedding [yes this just so happens to be all planned out] and I wondered, do I leave room for anybody else?
This train of thought I was on instantly took me back to a time, I was dating this guy in Colorado, I've blogged of him before. When we broke up he said to me "Heather I just don't think i'm what you're looking for, I don't think I can give you what you want." At the time, of course, I was sure this wasn't true. I was appalled that someone thought I wanted so much - so much that they would be unable to give those things to me. As if I needed someone to give them to me. Then listening to my friend last night, I realized exactly how he felt when he said that to me. With dreams SO BIG and SO PRECISE how can anybody else's dreams come in? Because we all have dreams. They are each our own. The "problem" isn't that we have our own dreams, it's that it takes two to tango. Two people with different ideas, maybe the basics are the same, but when you get down to it - the differences are vast.
When I speak of my desires, do I do so in a way where the other person wonders where they fit in? Although I am sure I do, I hope I learn not to. Because while my dreams are large and pretty exact - I am only dreaming with the knowledge that these dreams can be shaped. The ultimate goal is to find my best friend, to give and to take ideas - to mesh together two sets of hopes. I want someone who will ask me what my ideas are and tell me theirs and we'll figure it out together. Input.
I was reading an article about a couple who bought a property and their designer had them write a list of exactly what they wanted in a house. This couple decided to do so in different places and compare lists. While much of their ideas were the same - some were different. They had to compromise, to get these lists down to one. It ended happily ever after and they got their home and each had things they wanted - and didn't have some as well.
I do not want to get so focused on my goals that I don't leave room for someone else. That I exclude the hopes and dreams of the person God has intended me for. I don't want to be so "stuck in my ways" if you will, that I am unable to waver from such a path of determination. Of selfish abandon; that I must obtain all the desires of my heart without deviating by allowing room for another.
I want my dreams to be "we want," not just "I want."
This person was so adamant about their life goals that it seemed as though there could be room for nobody else's dreams or goals. My next thought was "am I like this?" I began tracing back to all the things I tell those around me. About my dreams of vet school and a farm, of a big family, of how I want my wedding [yes this just so happens to be all planned out] and I wondered, do I leave room for anybody else?
This train of thought I was on instantly took me back to a time, I was dating this guy in Colorado, I've blogged of him before. When we broke up he said to me "Heather I just don't think i'm what you're looking for, I don't think I can give you what you want." At the time, of course, I was sure this wasn't true. I was appalled that someone thought I wanted so much - so much that they would be unable to give those things to me. As if I needed someone to give them to me. Then listening to my friend last night, I realized exactly how he felt when he said that to me. With dreams SO BIG and SO PRECISE how can anybody else's dreams come in? Because we all have dreams. They are each our own. The "problem" isn't that we have our own dreams, it's that it takes two to tango. Two people with different ideas, maybe the basics are the same, but when you get down to it - the differences are vast.
When I speak of my desires, do I do so in a way where the other person wonders where they fit in? Although I am sure I do, I hope I learn not to. Because while my dreams are large and pretty exact - I am only dreaming with the knowledge that these dreams can be shaped. The ultimate goal is to find my best friend, to give and to take ideas - to mesh together two sets of hopes. I want someone who will ask me what my ideas are and tell me theirs and we'll figure it out together. Input.
I was reading an article about a couple who bought a property and their designer had them write a list of exactly what they wanted in a house. This couple decided to do so in different places and compare lists. While much of their ideas were the same - some were different. They had to compromise, to get these lists down to one. It ended happily ever after and they got their home and each had things they wanted - and didn't have some as well.
I do not want to get so focused on my goals that I don't leave room for someone else. That I exclude the hopes and dreams of the person God has intended me for. I don't want to be so "stuck in my ways" if you will, that I am unable to waver from such a path of determination. Of selfish abandon; that I must obtain all the desires of my heart without deviating by allowing room for another.
I want my dreams to be "we want," not just "I want."
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Fear of failing
My original inspiration for this post was simple: my test grades. Plainly stated - I screwed up on both my exams for Biology and Chemistry. I love Chemistry, and I got a C on my first big exam. Fail. Once I got my test back I realized that what I got wrong was what I failed to study - go figure! Biology exam - I wrote a 400 question study guide and spent hours studying. Only to end up with a big.fat.D. :: update - I contested one of my answers and did an extra credit point - now I have a C!! ::
I got that test back today and guess what? I failed to answer 22 points worth of questions! As the professor went over the answers I skipped ahead and answered those questions, when I corrected them I realized I would have had a B+! At this point it's hilarious, I made a dumb mistake and I paid for it. I [hopefully] learned my lessons for the next exams. However, this original inspiration reminded me once again of something I have been learning about myself over the past week. Because originally my test grades were far from comical. In fact I cried, a lot, about not only about getting bad grades but my mortal fear of not making it into Vet school. Which brings me to the biggest point.
I live my life in fear.
More fear than any of those who knows me or I am willing to observe. In some aspects I am glad of this fear. This fear has prevented me from doing drugs, drinking and driving, dating strange men, getting black out drunk, and the list of horribly fateful decisions continues.
However, this fear has also permeated my academics and my love life. In regards to the academics I have never cried nor cared this much about a class. When I failed before, or got a bad grade, I simply gave in. I decided that the class was to blame and that I just would wait to get my good grade in the next class. This has worked so far because I have had mostly fluff social courses - save a few my senior year. However now I'm in science and lets be honest, you cannot B.S your way through molarity and covalent bonds. Now I have something much bigger to lose. I have a passion.
I always prayed for a passion. I envied those around me who knew what they wanted and chased it with absolute abandon. I waited rather impatiently for the day when It would strike me, this passion I so eagerly sought. Then it did. And I realized something - passions are scary. Wanting something so bad is horrifying. Because failure is not an option. Well then, if failure is not an option, what do you do when you fail?
I cried over my tests. I cried not because you cannot recover but because I don't want to lose. It was never really okay with me if I failed in school but I would have rather not let it get to me then invest so much of myself, only to fail. I'm realizing more and more that it's totally worth it - but I must admit, it's scary.
Not only do i choose the apathetic route in school, but also in love.
While reading these books and observing those around me who have found themselves in happy marriages and at a good point in life I came to the conclusion that I also fear love.
Blame my upbringing and the horrible examples of love I had to follow. Blame the media and their lousy portrayal of healthy relationships. Blame a host of other things but what it truly comes down to is yet again, my fear of failing.
A good-friend-of-mine-turned-boyfriend-turned-ex is getting married. It was hard to handle at first - for reasons unbeknownst to me. Because honestly he is not somebody I wanted to marry. He isn't someone I was proud to show off. He isn't somebody that I gave my whole heart to. He isn't even somebody I wanted to love. But he is exactly who she loves, who she's proud to show off, who she gives her whole heart to, the person she wants to marry.
I looked back on our relationship, and the relationships I had with others and I realized my lack of honesty when it came to feelings. Not only that but my lack of commitment and showering of affection. Not that I was unfaithful but more that I gave the attitude that I didn't care where the relationship ended up. Not only that but I failed to give passionately of myself and my time. I never wanted to give more than the other person was giving me.
Some would say this is smart. I disagree. I think that you deserve to get back exactly what you give. Now if you continually give way more than you receive, by all means - get the hell out. However, if you hold back, are dishonest, hide feelings, withhold affection, etc - and then get upset when you aren't rewarded those things, I do not feel sorry for you.
Which is why I do not feel sorry for me. Referencing the previous section, pertaining to academics, once again my decisions not to give of myself and to love and basically all of 1 Chorinthians 13 come down to fear. Why? because I was afraid to fail, afraid to lose.
When you're a child you have no concept of loss, therefore you love. You love wildly anything that strikes your fancy. Then those things are taken from you and you learn quickly not to get too attached. So you stop. You stop loving wholly from within. Because what if it's taken away? The object of your affection. Or worse - what if it doesn't love you back?
I pretended not to care and failed to give the most important pieces out of fear; because once again, although I am learning by example that love is completely worth it, complete vulnerability is utterly terrifying.
So I will take these new found lessons and apply them to the rest of my journey as best I can. Remembering that life is better with passion - in every form. Because it is better to have passionately pursued everything and to lose, knowing you gave it your all, then to gain something you could hardly care to have.
I got that test back today and guess what? I failed to answer 22 points worth of questions! As the professor went over the answers I skipped ahead and answered those questions, when I corrected them I realized I would have had a B+! At this point it's hilarious, I made a dumb mistake and I paid for it. I [hopefully] learned my lessons for the next exams. However, this original inspiration reminded me once again of something I have been learning about myself over the past week. Because originally my test grades were far from comical. In fact I cried, a lot, about not only about getting bad grades but my mortal fear of not making it into Vet school. Which brings me to the biggest point.
I live my life in fear.
More fear than any of those who knows me or I am willing to observe. In some aspects I am glad of this fear. This fear has prevented me from doing drugs, drinking and driving, dating strange men, getting black out drunk, and the list of horribly fateful decisions continues.
However, this fear has also permeated my academics and my love life. In regards to the academics I have never cried nor cared this much about a class. When I failed before, or got a bad grade, I simply gave in. I decided that the class was to blame and that I just would wait to get my good grade in the next class. This has worked so far because I have had mostly fluff social courses - save a few my senior year. However now I'm in science and lets be honest, you cannot B.S your way through molarity and covalent bonds. Now I have something much bigger to lose. I have a passion.
I always prayed for a passion. I envied those around me who knew what they wanted and chased it with absolute abandon. I waited rather impatiently for the day when It would strike me, this passion I so eagerly sought. Then it did. And I realized something - passions are scary. Wanting something so bad is horrifying. Because failure is not an option. Well then, if failure is not an option, what do you do when you fail?
I cried over my tests. I cried not because you cannot recover but because I don't want to lose. It was never really okay with me if I failed in school but I would have rather not let it get to me then invest so much of myself, only to fail. I'm realizing more and more that it's totally worth it - but I must admit, it's scary.
Not only do i choose the apathetic route in school, but also in love.
While reading these books and observing those around me who have found themselves in happy marriages and at a good point in life I came to the conclusion that I also fear love.
Blame my upbringing and the horrible examples of love I had to follow. Blame the media and their lousy portrayal of healthy relationships. Blame a host of other things but what it truly comes down to is yet again, my fear of failing.
A good-friend-of-mine-turned-boyfriend-turned-ex is getting married. It was hard to handle at first - for reasons unbeknownst to me. Because honestly he is not somebody I wanted to marry. He isn't someone I was proud to show off. He isn't somebody that I gave my whole heart to. He isn't even somebody I wanted to love. But he is exactly who she loves, who she's proud to show off, who she gives her whole heart to, the person she wants to marry.
I looked back on our relationship, and the relationships I had with others and I realized my lack of honesty when it came to feelings. Not only that but my lack of commitment and showering of affection. Not that I was unfaithful but more that I gave the attitude that I didn't care where the relationship ended up. Not only that but I failed to give passionately of myself and my time. I never wanted to give more than the other person was giving me.
Some would say this is smart. I disagree. I think that you deserve to get back exactly what you give. Now if you continually give way more than you receive, by all means - get the hell out. However, if you hold back, are dishonest, hide feelings, withhold affection, etc - and then get upset when you aren't rewarded those things, I do not feel sorry for you.
Which is why I do not feel sorry for me. Referencing the previous section, pertaining to academics, once again my decisions not to give of myself and to love and basically all of 1 Chorinthians 13 come down to fear. Why? because I was afraid to fail, afraid to lose.
When you're a child you have no concept of loss, therefore you love. You love wildly anything that strikes your fancy. Then those things are taken from you and you learn quickly not to get too attached. So you stop. You stop loving wholly from within. Because what if it's taken away? The object of your affection. Or worse - what if it doesn't love you back?
I pretended not to care and failed to give the most important pieces out of fear; because once again, although I am learning by example that love is completely worth it, complete vulnerability is utterly terrifying.
So I will take these new found lessons and apply them to the rest of my journey as best I can. Remembering that life is better with passion - in every form. Because it is better to have passionately pursued everything and to lose, knowing you gave it your all, then to gain something you could hardly care to have.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Up Tight
I'm uptight. I always thought I was so laid back, and in a lot of ways I am, but in a lot more ways - i'm not.
Last night I was telling my brother about Carl. The guy I dated when I first got to Colorado. I refused to be Carl's "girlfriend" because he smoked weed once or twice a week and didn't have a home. I know this obviously sounds smart of me - but in all reality my reasons were flawed, for I refused to be CALLED his girlfriend - despite spending four days a week with him going on dates, having long conversations, etc.
Carl was full of life, a life that cannot be explained. When we "broke up" I was mad at him because he didn't want to talk to me while I was crying. Valid point, to this day, I believe - but nevertheless. I called Carl two months later in a fit of drama and asked him what was wrong with me [wow, can I get more vulnerable here?] he replied "Heather, you take life too seriously, who cares if you fall in love right away - who cares if the person you're dating is FOR SURE the one you're going to marry, don't take life so seriously." Two months later, Carl died. The wonderful, magnanimous, life-loving, pot-smoking, couch-hopping, tender person who inspired my love for "Free Bird," left the Earth, leaving a legacy for all who knew him.
I am easily amused with little things, I can laugh for a full five minutes. I don't get mad at other peoples points of view very easily. And overall, I think laughter is the best medicine. However, I carefully over analyze everything I say to a child because it MIGHT be the defining life lesson they get from me. I preach to people about their drinking habits when we're at a bar. I cannot handle the way girls giggle super loud when they drink too much. I think bass in a car is a huge burden on everyone in their cars around you. Loud music is the bane of my existence, to put it melodramatically. The ridiculousness of women needing to do everything with a friend makes me gag. And yes, I question if every man I date is the man I could marry. I do think it is a waste of time to date someone once you realize they're not "the one" and I over analyze every thing that my date says to me - applying it to the future. Not only that but I keep a knife next to my bed "just in case" someone decides to break into my room, and I check in my closet before bed every night - even though someone could definitely not fit in there. I just knocked on wood. Seriously?
There are certain things to take seriously, like school and work, children and marriage. Planning for your future is fine, but not at the expense of enjoying every moment now. People will make bad decisions, and some will consequently so, ruin their own live. Others will make bad decisions and won't ruin their lives. I have met plenty of women who were friends with their husbands long before they ever even had a romantic inclination and they're still madly in love - without having to fall right away. And who really cares anyway? If someone wants to get drunk and sloppy, what business of mine is it? It's not. The way another person chooses to live their lives is not up to my own scrupulosity.
I'm rambling. The point is, I need to let go. Carl died three years ago - and I still remind myself daily of his advice to "not take life too seriously," it's really only life. It's my job to love, it's Jesus's job to save.
Last night I was telling my brother about Carl. The guy I dated when I first got to Colorado. I refused to be Carl's "girlfriend" because he smoked weed once or twice a week and didn't have a home. I know this obviously sounds smart of me - but in all reality my reasons were flawed, for I refused to be CALLED his girlfriend - despite spending four days a week with him going on dates, having long conversations, etc.
Carl was full of life, a life that cannot be explained. When we "broke up" I was mad at him because he didn't want to talk to me while I was crying. Valid point, to this day, I believe - but nevertheless. I called Carl two months later in a fit of drama and asked him what was wrong with me [wow, can I get more vulnerable here?] he replied "Heather, you take life too seriously, who cares if you fall in love right away - who cares if the person you're dating is FOR SURE the one you're going to marry, don't take life so seriously." Two months later, Carl died. The wonderful, magnanimous, life-loving, pot-smoking, couch-hopping, tender person who inspired my love for "Free Bird," left the Earth, leaving a legacy for all who knew him.
I am easily amused with little things, I can laugh for a full five minutes. I don't get mad at other peoples points of view very easily. And overall, I think laughter is the best medicine. However, I carefully over analyze everything I say to a child because it MIGHT be the defining life lesson they get from me. I preach to people about their drinking habits when we're at a bar. I cannot handle the way girls giggle super loud when they drink too much. I think bass in a car is a huge burden on everyone in their cars around you. Loud music is the bane of my existence, to put it melodramatically. The ridiculousness of women needing to do everything with a friend makes me gag. And yes, I question if every man I date is the man I could marry. I do think it is a waste of time to date someone once you realize they're not "the one" and I over analyze every thing that my date says to me - applying it to the future. Not only that but I keep a knife next to my bed "just in case" someone decides to break into my room, and I check in my closet before bed every night - even though someone could definitely not fit in there. I just knocked on wood. Seriously?
There are certain things to take seriously, like school and work, children and marriage. Planning for your future is fine, but not at the expense of enjoying every moment now. People will make bad decisions, and some will consequently so, ruin their own live. Others will make bad decisions and won't ruin their lives. I have met plenty of women who were friends with their husbands long before they ever even had a romantic inclination and they're still madly in love - without having to fall right away. And who really cares anyway? If someone wants to get drunk and sloppy, what business of mine is it? It's not. The way another person chooses to live their lives is not up to my own scrupulosity.
I'm rambling. The point is, I need to let go. Carl died three years ago - and I still remind myself daily of his advice to "not take life too seriously," it's really only life. It's my job to love, it's Jesus's job to save.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Family Matters and Creating Youself
There are more things to say than hours in the day, so I am forced to choose between topics. What I hate about this is that each topic seems genuinely important to me but once the moment has passed, I feel no need to blog it. Thus the reason I chose two topics for my OYC [one year challenge] blog post.
Exhibit A. Family Matters
During this time I've chosen to read several books on relationship building, self acceptance, successful relationship propaganda, and most importantly issues related to finding God in yourself and your partner. One recurring theme seems to be the opinion of those closest to you. There are those who tell you that this isn't important, that love withstands in spite of the opinions of others. I used to agree. I don't anymore. The reason I don't is simple - I have dated men that my family and friends didn't like, and that was okay except that I wanted to share my joy with my friends and with my family and the lack of joy when they were around each other caused friction and pain in the relationship. How wonderful it would be for the two families to become one big giant family. Like my sister and her husband - they hit the jackpot when it comes to in laws and friends - everyone loves each other.
Which brings me to my next point. My fear. [Dear family members who may be reading this, please do not take offence, our family has caused you as much pain as myself and those in our family could only truly understand the following.] I am deathly afraid that the person I love will not love my family the way I do. It's been my experience that those who meet my family are pretty shocked and even judgmental. They hurl insults my way in reference to my family - insults that wound my pride. Truth be told, I don't want someone who "fits in" with my family. Nobody could fit in with my family, really. But above that, there are things about my family that I do not want to repeat in my life, or in the life of my children - how, then, do you find the person that not only gets along with your family, but is not like them?
I feel as if the answer is plain as day. My family is beautiful, though broken in many ways, and most peoples families, even those with seemingly perfect ones, have their flaws. The goal is to find someone who recognizes those flaws and realizes that I may have come from that but have chosen to be nothing like that. Somebody who realizes that we cannot make decisions for our loved ones, someone who accepts and loves me for all that I am made of and all that I have chosen to become.
Which brings me to my next point: creating myself.
One of my favorite quotes has always been, and may always be, "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." I used to live by this. However, driving home tonight I was listening to the song "Stay the Night" by James Blunt and it hit me how much I LOVE music, I actually crave it. Not only that but all of the sudden I love Chemistry. I also love flat canvas shoes and the Earth lol. I sometimes get sick and tired of Country music, and some days I think it would be alright to live in the city after college for a while. Shocking as it may seem, I have even thought maybe 6 kids is too many.
I know I have chosen to be someone who doesn't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I have chosen to love God and to follow Jesus. I have chosen to be the girl who drops everything for her friends. I have also chosen a plethora of other things but during this year of concentrating on myself, and only myself, I feel as though I am discovering myself more than I had anticipated - and not to be conceded, but I like myself. I think before, in the process of trying to only create myself I actually suppressed parts of myself for fears of being different than who I had intended.
It's okay if I don't always want to wear cowboy boots to the country bar. Or listen to country music.
It's okay if my husband only wants 4 kids. Or if I live in the city for a while.
It's okay to have many different sides, because I came from many different places, and all those pieces make me beautiful.
Exhibit A. Family Matters
During this time I've chosen to read several books on relationship building, self acceptance, successful relationship propaganda, and most importantly issues related to finding God in yourself and your partner. One recurring theme seems to be the opinion of those closest to you. There are those who tell you that this isn't important, that love withstands in spite of the opinions of others. I used to agree. I don't anymore. The reason I don't is simple - I have dated men that my family and friends didn't like, and that was okay except that I wanted to share my joy with my friends and with my family and the lack of joy when they were around each other caused friction and pain in the relationship. How wonderful it would be for the two families to become one big giant family. Like my sister and her husband - they hit the jackpot when it comes to in laws and friends - everyone loves each other.
Which brings me to my next point. My fear. [Dear family members who may be reading this, please do not take offence, our family has caused you as much pain as myself and those in our family could only truly understand the following.] I am deathly afraid that the person I love will not love my family the way I do. It's been my experience that those who meet my family are pretty shocked and even judgmental. They hurl insults my way in reference to my family - insults that wound my pride. Truth be told, I don't want someone who "fits in" with my family. Nobody could fit in with my family, really. But above that, there are things about my family that I do not want to repeat in my life, or in the life of my children - how, then, do you find the person that not only gets along with your family, but is not like them?
I feel as if the answer is plain as day. My family is beautiful, though broken in many ways, and most peoples families, even those with seemingly perfect ones, have their flaws. The goal is to find someone who recognizes those flaws and realizes that I may have come from that but have chosen to be nothing like that. Somebody who realizes that we cannot make decisions for our loved ones, someone who accepts and loves me for all that I am made of and all that I have chosen to become.
Which brings me to my next point: creating myself.
One of my favorite quotes has always been, and may always be, "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." I used to live by this. However, driving home tonight I was listening to the song "Stay the Night" by James Blunt and it hit me how much I LOVE music, I actually crave it. Not only that but all of the sudden I love Chemistry. I also love flat canvas shoes and the Earth lol. I sometimes get sick and tired of Country music, and some days I think it would be alright to live in the city after college for a while. Shocking as it may seem, I have even thought maybe 6 kids is too many.
I know I have chosen to be someone who doesn't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I have chosen to love God and to follow Jesus. I have chosen to be the girl who drops everything for her friends. I have also chosen a plethora of other things but during this year of concentrating on myself, and only myself, I feel as though I am discovering myself more than I had anticipated - and not to be conceded, but I like myself. I think before, in the process of trying to only create myself I actually suppressed parts of myself for fears of being different than who I had intended.
It's okay if I don't always want to wear cowboy boots to the country bar. Or listen to country music.
It's okay if my husband only wants 4 kids. Or if I live in the city for a while.
It's okay to have many different sides, because I came from many different places, and all those pieces make me beautiful.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Love Should Not Be Mediocre
Ask me a year ago and I would have told you that love is not butterflies. That butterflies fly away, and when they're gone it is what is left that love is made of. I figured I should just skip the butterflies and get to the real deal - the hard part.
I remember having butterflies - with my first love. When I see him it's obvious those butterflies have since flown far away. But for a time we loved like people talk about. I was hopelessly and passionately head over heels for this high school teen. Sometimes I would cry just staring at him and I seriously thought it would never end.
It did end. and maybe that's where my journey of loveless relationships began. I have never considered this until now - never thought deeply into it until this year long challenge. Now is the time though, because through out this year I am supposed to move on from childhood pain and resentments - even when I forget they're there.
Maybe when my simple teenage love came to an end I was so heartbroken I made a subconscious decision to skip the fun part. To skip the "I love you's till forever and always" - believing that if I got to the comfortable boring part then my heart would never really break. So far, it's worked. It hurts when my relationships end but nothing heart wrenching and stomach twisting. Nothing sickening - I cry if only for those whose hearts I have broken. Even when I thought I loved them.
Then there are the couple that I have loved - the butterflies and the anguish - but I never told. I never told two people how much they mattered, because I was not as important to them as they were to me. I'm not saying this in some dramatic girly way - i'm saying this because they both told me that exact sentence.
While one of these men was a great catch - treated me like a princess - the other was a bad boy, the type to love and leave quicker than that four letter word could by uttered. None the less - they gave me butterflies and a yearning to take on the world with them.
It was over a year ago that a friend of mine posted a quote - the one pictured here - and I laughed. Thinking, "Good luck girl" love IS mediocre - after all is said and done. But I found myself today, reading it and thinking - that's how it should be, that's what I want.
Basically I am learning, slowly, that I want butterflies and the uncontrollable need to be with someone - even if the butterflies fly away - they will return someday. Or so I am told, by those with the marriages I envy most. I want my best-friend and extraordinary partner, to take on the world. Love is only mediocre when you let it be - when you give in to mediocrity.
I remember having butterflies - with my first love. When I see him it's obvious those butterflies have since flown far away. But for a time we loved like people talk about. I was hopelessly and passionately head over heels for this high school teen. Sometimes I would cry just staring at him and I seriously thought it would never end.
It did end. and maybe that's where my journey of loveless relationships began. I have never considered this until now - never thought deeply into it until this year long challenge. Now is the time though, because through out this year I am supposed to move on from childhood pain and resentments - even when I forget they're there.
Maybe when my simple teenage love came to an end I was so heartbroken I made a subconscious decision to skip the fun part. To skip the "I love you's till forever and always" - believing that if I got to the comfortable boring part then my heart would never really break. So far, it's worked. It hurts when my relationships end but nothing heart wrenching and stomach twisting. Nothing sickening - I cry if only for those whose hearts I have broken. Even when I thought I loved them.
Then there are the couple that I have loved - the butterflies and the anguish - but I never told. I never told two people how much they mattered, because I was not as important to them as they were to me. I'm not saying this in some dramatic girly way - i'm saying this because they both told me that exact sentence.
While one of these men was a great catch - treated me like a princess - the other was a bad boy, the type to love and leave quicker than that four letter word could by uttered. None the less - they gave me butterflies and a yearning to take on the world with them.
It was over a year ago that a friend of mine posted a quote - the one pictured here - and I laughed. Thinking, "Good luck girl" love IS mediocre - after all is said and done. But I found myself today, reading it and thinking - that's how it should be, that's what I want.
Basically I am learning, slowly, that I want butterflies and the uncontrollable need to be with someone - even if the butterflies fly away - they will return someday. Or so I am told, by those with the marriages I envy most. I want my best-friend and extraordinary partner, to take on the world. Love is only mediocre when you let it be - when you give in to mediocrity.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
We'll meet in the middle ?
So, more thoughts on this whole one year challenge bit. If the one year challenge and/or my journey to Vet school is of no interest to you - I should warn you now - that those are going to be the topics of this blog from here on out :) you have been warned.
Now, back to the subject matter. I was thinking today, after a series of run ins with a couple men whom I found myself attracted to, about the importance of common goals. Strange, I know. Most people tell me that this is extremely important but I wonder how important it truly is in comparison to the love you share.
For example, if I were to meet the man of my dreams - feelings wise, chemistry is great, friendship great, trust, honesty, a love for God. Its all there - however, we have fairly different goals which include but are not limited to job, lifestyle, number of children, place [farm vs. city], etc. - how much does that matter?
It seems to me that there are plenty of unhappy people who married because all of their goals matched up but none of the foundation was there. Equally it seems as though many people married for the feelings and ended up unhappy at the realization that neither had the same goals. And with that there are people who find each other, fall madly in love and somehow incorporate the dreams of one another into their lives.
I feel as though I just got a bingo. Maybe this blog is really only for me - to type out my thoughts and have random epiphanys. Thank you Lord. I think the point is that by the end of this year I should have worked not only on patience, kindness, boasting, but - as stated in the sermons - not looking to self serve. Love is not self serving. Part of being in a happy marriage is being able to blend goals and dreams. In order to do that though everything else has to be there - patience, trust, consideration, and the rest of 1 Corinthians 13.
I'm working on this.boom.
Now, back to the subject matter. I was thinking today, after a series of run ins with a couple men whom I found myself attracted to, about the importance of common goals. Strange, I know. Most people tell me that this is extremely important but I wonder how important it truly is in comparison to the love you share.
For example, if I were to meet the man of my dreams - feelings wise, chemistry is great, friendship great, trust, honesty, a love for God. Its all there - however, we have fairly different goals which include but are not limited to job, lifestyle, number of children, place [farm vs. city], etc. - how much does that matter?
It seems to me that there are plenty of unhappy people who married because all of their goals matched up but none of the foundation was there. Equally it seems as though many people married for the feelings and ended up unhappy at the realization that neither had the same goals. And with that there are people who find each other, fall madly in love and somehow incorporate the dreams of one another into their lives.
I feel as though I just got a bingo. Maybe this blog is really only for me - to type out my thoughts and have random epiphanys. Thank you Lord. I think the point is that by the end of this year I should have worked not only on patience, kindness, boasting, but - as stated in the sermons - not looking to self serve. Love is not self serving. Part of being in a happy marriage is being able to blend goals and dreams. In order to do that though everything else has to be there - patience, trust, consideration, and the rest of 1 Corinthians 13.
I'm working on this.boom.
Friday, August 10, 2012
One Year Challenge: Challenges
So in approximately 4 days I will be one month into my year off of dating and anything male related. I finally got around to watching the fourth and final video in the sex, love, and dating series by Andy Stanley and learned what I am supposed to do during this year. First and foremost - get over any childhood issues.
Really? Now I believe that I am pretty close to being over my childhood issues but in all honesty each time I start a new relationship they come up, blaring me in the face, taunting me with "what ifs" in my new found happiness. Ultimately causing an unhappy couple. However, my biggest question remains, how will I know if i'm over them when so many times before I thought myself to be over it. Maybe I'll never be over them and Andy is advising that we use God to help us rise above those issues, to learn to move forward even with the pain.
Secondly we have to get out of debt, which save for my college and car loans I am already not in debt so I think I can put a check in that box.
Here's the kicker about this whole thing. Previous to taking the year challenge I was perfectly happy being single. I love being single. I love going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, how I want it. I don't get "lonely" or wish someone would "snuggle" with me - just the word snuggle makes me cringe. I like my space in my bed, I don't need to be connected to someone to feel comfortable sleeping. But something crazy has happened in this past month - I actually want to fall in love.
Here's my hypothesis. What with my sisters wedding and this challenge of bettering myself for my future mate, I have begun to realize that what I like about being single is not having to deal with the wrong people. Maybe I never "didn't like relationships" - I just didn't like the ones I was in and I translated that to every relationship.
For instance one of my dear friends was at my sisters wedding, I asked her how she and her husband had met. She told me that they were friends for a few years first, she had even hooked him up with a couple of his ex girlfriends. One day she realized she wanted to be with him and invited him to some kind of social event. At this event he left her alone - he let her do her thing, coming up to her just enough to let her know he was there and interested. He didn't ignore her and leave her feeling attention starved and he didn't hover like some love sick psycho path. I realized then that there is an in-between. I realized then that I wanted my best friend.
Sure love gets crazy and annoying and the other person will want and I will have to give and vice versa - but that's part of the patience and consideration I am working on during this year. Here I am, less than one month in, and I'm already feeling it. I'm already impatient. Surprise ;)
Not that I've found anyone I'd even come close to wanting to date, but I still pray for the patience to work this through to the end - coming out a better person not only for that future whoever, but also for myself. Stronger in my relationship with me and my God :)
Really? Now I believe that I am pretty close to being over my childhood issues but in all honesty each time I start a new relationship they come up, blaring me in the face, taunting me with "what ifs" in my new found happiness. Ultimately causing an unhappy couple. However, my biggest question remains, how will I know if i'm over them when so many times before I thought myself to be over it. Maybe I'll never be over them and Andy is advising that we use God to help us rise above those issues, to learn to move forward even with the pain.
Secondly we have to get out of debt, which save for my college and car loans I am already not in debt so I think I can put a check in that box.
Here's the kicker about this whole thing. Previous to taking the year challenge I was perfectly happy being single. I love being single. I love going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, how I want it. I don't get "lonely" or wish someone would "snuggle" with me - just the word snuggle makes me cringe. I like my space in my bed, I don't need to be connected to someone to feel comfortable sleeping. But something crazy has happened in this past month - I actually want to fall in love.
Here's my hypothesis. What with my sisters wedding and this challenge of bettering myself for my future mate, I have begun to realize that what I like about being single is not having to deal with the wrong people. Maybe I never "didn't like relationships" - I just didn't like the ones I was in and I translated that to every relationship.
For instance one of my dear friends was at my sisters wedding, I asked her how she and her husband had met. She told me that they were friends for a few years first, she had even hooked him up with a couple of his ex girlfriends. One day she realized she wanted to be with him and invited him to some kind of social event. At this event he left her alone - he let her do her thing, coming up to her just enough to let her know he was there and interested. He didn't ignore her and leave her feeling attention starved and he didn't hover like some love sick psycho path. I realized then that there is an in-between. I realized then that I wanted my best friend.
Sure love gets crazy and annoying and the other person will want and I will have to give and vice versa - but that's part of the patience and consideration I am working on during this year. Here I am, less than one month in, and I'm already feeling it. I'm already impatient. Surprise ;)
Not that I've found anyone I'd even come close to wanting to date, but I still pray for the patience to work this through to the end - coming out a better person not only for that future whoever, but also for myself. Stronger in my relationship with me and my God :)
Monday, July 16, 2012
Andy's One Year Challenge
Today is July 14, 2012 and I am taking the 1 year challenge. The challenge abstain from dating for one year.
Sitting in Reignie and Charlies place, waiting for them to awaken, I decided to continue with the sermons I have been watching. I settled into bed to prepare for the next hour - part three of four. As I watched the screen I became increasingly weary. About half way through I began crying. Not that ridiculous sobbing, just crying. Playing across the screen was exactly what God had intended by me joining POF. I knew I didn't want to date anyone, however, I felt compelled to join that dating website - and again, I would have never seen these sermons had I not decided to join. Eventually it came to a point where Andy mentioned, once again, his one year challenge. I had seen this one year challenge in the second part - pertaining to men - and I literally laughed out loud when he said it. I knew that no body would do that, it seemed extreme. This was different, this time he was talking to me. I've never been promiscuous but I hadn't lived my life, in that respect, in a way that I could be particularly proud of.
He showed an email from a woman who had done the one year challenge and while it was being read I began crying harder. Now I was in full on sob until I can't breathe mode. The ridiculous, heart wrenching, painful sobs. The kind that when its over you feel like some deep pain has been released. It was then, sobbing into tissues, taking deep breaths, that I decided to take the one year challenge.
For the next year I will abstain from dating and [obviously] any sexual activity. I will concentrate on my relationship with God and learn what it means to turn to Him in times of loneliness and distress. I will learn to love myself for who he has made me. And I hope that I will ultimately learn what He wants for me in a partner, in a life long love. In a best friend.
I am rarely so candid on this blog, and I even considered not sharing this. Knowing that people know that pain is hard and a little embarrassing but I am publishing with the knowledge that other people have this pain too. Most more so than I. Some with much deeper scars than I could imagine. I am sharing this for the support of many people because while I am devoted to this cause, I am afraid of failing, as I know they are as well. Maybe others will join me, or just offer support. Either way, let the growth begin :)
Part 3 of 4 : Designer Sex
Sitting in Reignie and Charlies place, waiting for them to awaken, I decided to continue with the sermons I have been watching. I settled into bed to prepare for the next hour - part three of four. As I watched the screen I became increasingly weary. About half way through I began crying. Not that ridiculous sobbing, just crying. Playing across the screen was exactly what God had intended by me joining POF. I knew I didn't want to date anyone, however, I felt compelled to join that dating website - and again, I would have never seen these sermons had I not decided to join. Eventually it came to a point where Andy mentioned, once again, his one year challenge. I had seen this one year challenge in the second part - pertaining to men - and I literally laughed out loud when he said it. I knew that no body would do that, it seemed extreme. This was different, this time he was talking to me. I've never been promiscuous but I hadn't lived my life, in that respect, in a way that I could be particularly proud of.
He showed an email from a woman who had done the one year challenge and while it was being read I began crying harder. Now I was in full on sob until I can't breathe mode. The ridiculous, heart wrenching, painful sobs. The kind that when its over you feel like some deep pain has been released. It was then, sobbing into tissues, taking deep breaths, that I decided to take the one year challenge.
For the next year I will abstain from dating and [obviously] any sexual activity. I will concentrate on my relationship with God and learn what it means to turn to Him in times of loneliness and distress. I will learn to love myself for who he has made me. And I hope that I will ultimately learn what He wants for me in a partner, in a life long love. In a best friend.
I am rarely so candid on this blog, and I even considered not sharing this. Knowing that people know that pain is hard and a little embarrassing but I am publishing with the knowledge that other people have this pain too. Most more so than I. Some with much deeper scars than I could imagine. I am sharing this for the support of many people because while I am devoted to this cause, I am afraid of failing, as I know they are as well. Maybe others will join me, or just offer support. Either way, let the growth begin :)
Part 3 of 4 : Designer Sex
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
The Best Relationship Advice I Ever Received
Sunday service began with a memorial video for Andy Griffith
– which I found comical, only because once the video was done nothing was
mentioned about it. I couldn’t tell you much about what the sermon was about
save for one bit of advice from pastor Will – always say I love you. He told us about an 18 year old kid, the son
of a preacher, who had sky dived on this 18th birthday last week,
and died the next day while cliff jumping. His advice was to always say I love
you. Although this is fantastic advice, those who know me well, know that I am
great at the L word ;) So, this is not the best advice I have ever received.
Earlier in the week I watched a sermon online from pastor
Jon – the pastor from my church in Minnesota. That week’s message was titled
“Failing Forward: Relationships.” His message was clear – just because we have
failed in our relationships with our friends, family, parents, children,
spouses, etc. – does not mean we have to continue failing. Through God we are
cleansed and begin new each day. We ask for forgiveness and have the option to continue on the same destructive path or to
move forward in our relationships. He used the example of a homeless man he
once knew. This man and he were casually talking over dinner from the soup line
when Jon asked him about his family. Upon hearing the question the man’s face
turned sour and he relayed the story of the end of his marriage. They had
gotten into a fight and he had walked out on her – never to return – and twenty
six years later remains homeless, stuck in that moment; stuck in his failed
relationship. Pastor Jon challenged us
to take failures and turn them into successes – his message was not “to let
past failures predict our future destinations.” I had missed this before, but I
am someone stuck in failure. After my relationship with William I had begun to
believe that I never wanted to get married – not because of my relationship
with William, but because it had failed. Not only had it failed but I was not
sure how or why exactly it failed. I could point out a list of pitfalls and
snags but in the end those were just specifics when what I wanted were the broad
reasons. The umbrella reasons for a failed relationship – so that I could move
on and understand how to have a healthy, loving, friendship -which brings me to
the best relationship advice I have ever received.
Sunday afternoon, while paying bills and scanning through
the POF profiles [don’t ask] I came upon this pretty boy. After rolling my eyes
at his modelesque picture and snickering at what I thought was going to be an
all too full of himself dope – I read the first line of his profile “I live my
life for Jesus” – of course, feeling sheepish, I read the rest of it only to
find myself staring at a link and directions to watch this video. Obviously after so harshly judging this book
by it’s cover I decided to watch the video.
The video was a sermon titled “Love, Sex, and Dating” part 1
of 4. It was an hour long sermon done by a man named Andy, a pastor in Georgia.
He had me hooked instantly with his charisma and straight forward message. His
message contained many parts but three stuck out for me. 1 was the “right
person myth” this idea that we will somehow become the best wife/husband if
only we find the “right person” – that upon meeting this person, everything
will just fall into place “naturally.” He then explains that although chemistry
can bring people together, it cannot sustain a relationship. He then goes on to
ask us to ask ourselves “am I the person that the person I am looking for, is
looking for?” basically – if my dream person walked through the door, would I
be their dream person? He used the example of a female from a singles group he
leads. This woman grew up Christian but upon entering college decided she’d
like to put that on the back burner and concentrate on having fun and casually
dating around, which also meant sleeping with people. One day she was at a
party and he dream guy happened to be there – amazing looks, career, and
personality – and he was also devoted whole heartedly to God. When she got home
she told her mom all about this man and her mom turned to her and said “Sweetie,
a man like that doesn’t want a woman like you” and the girl, realizing her
mother was right, began to cry. She decided at that point to become the kind of
person she would be searching for – the kind of person the person she wanted,
would want. If this wasn’t enough he then went into 1 Corinthians 13 – the love
chapter – and went over each line step by step, helping us to understand how to
instill this in our own lives. After all, God created relationships and in so
doing, taught us how to be in these relationships. He then gave us the advice
to practice each of the things in that verse in our everyday lives. On any
first date we may go on, with any potential person – even if we know we will
not marry them. Because maybe if we practice enough, when the “right person”
comes along – we will have the relationship skills to build a truly miraculous
relationship. There was so much more in that hour sermon, and the one from Jon,
that I have included both links and really urge you to listen to them both!! I have yet to watch part 2-4 but friend of mine did and said that all four parts combined should be watched.
After watching that sermon, coupled with all I had learned
that week – I realized where I had gone wrong in so many aspects of my life,
especially my relationships. So while I may have rebelled against the idea of
joining POF – I believe now I know why I was drawn to join that site, and it
may just have saved my future self! God bless and good luck!!
http://vimeo.com/42134877 - Pastor John: Failing Forward
http://www.northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating - Pastor Andy: Love, Sex, and Dating
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