Fear of failing

My original inspiration for this post was simple: my test grades. Plainly stated - I screwed up on both my exams for Biology and Chemistry. I love Chemistry, and I got a C on my first big exam. Fail. Once I got my test back I realized that what I got wrong was what I failed to study - go figure! Biology exam - I wrote a 400 question study guide and spent hours studying. Only to end up with a big.fat.D. :: update - I contested one of my answers and did an extra credit point - now I have a C!! :: 

I got that test back today and guess what? I failed to answer 22 points worth of questions! As the professor went over the answers I skipped ahead and answered those questions, when I corrected them I realized I would have had a B+! At this point it's hilarious, I made a dumb mistake and I paid for it. I [hopefully] learned my lessons for the next exams. However, this original inspiration reminded me once again of something I have been learning about myself over the past week. Because originally my test grades were far from comical. In fact I cried, a lot, about not only about getting bad grades but my mortal fear of not making it into Vet school. Which brings me to the biggest point. 

I live my life in fear. 

More fear than any of those who knows me or I am willing to observe. In some aspects I am glad of this fear. This fear has prevented me from doing drugs, drinking and driving, dating strange men, getting black out drunk, and the list of horribly fateful decisions continues. 

However, this fear has also permeated my academics and my love life. In regards to the academics I have never cried nor cared this much about a class. When I failed before, or got a bad grade, I simply gave in. I decided that the class was to blame and that I just would wait to get my good grade in the next class. This has worked so far because I have had mostly fluff social courses - save a few my senior year. However now I'm in science and lets be honest, you cannot B.S your way through molarity and covalent bonds. Now I have something much bigger to lose. I have a passion. 

I always prayed for a passion. I envied those around me who knew what they wanted and chased it with absolute abandon. I waited rather impatiently for the day when It would strike me, this passion I so eagerly sought. Then it did. And I realized something - passions are scary. Wanting something so bad is horrifying. Because failure is not an option. Well then, if failure is not an option, what do you do when you fail? 

I cried over my tests. I cried not because you cannot recover but because I don't want to lose. It was never really okay with me if I failed in school but I would have rather not let it get to me then invest so much of myself, only to fail. I'm realizing more and more that it's totally worth it - but I must admit, it's scary. 

Not only do i choose the apathetic route in school, but also in love. 

While reading these books and observing those around me who have found themselves in happy marriages and at a good point in life I came to the conclusion that I also fear love. 
Blame my upbringing and the horrible examples of love I had to follow. Blame the media and their lousy portrayal of healthy relationships. Blame a host of other things but what it truly comes down to is yet again, my fear of failing. 

A good-friend-of-mine-turned-boyfriend-turned-ex is getting married. It was hard to handle at first - for reasons unbeknownst to me. Because honestly he is not somebody I wanted to marry. He isn't someone I was proud to show off. He isn't somebody that I gave my whole heart to. He isn't even somebody I wanted to love. But he is exactly who she loves, who she's proud to show off, who she gives her whole heart to, the person she wants to marry. 

I looked back on our relationship, and the relationships I had with others and I realized my lack of honesty when it came to feelings. Not only that but my lack of commitment and showering of affection. Not that I was unfaithful but more that I gave the attitude that I didn't care where the relationship ended up. Not only that but I failed to give passionately of myself and my time. I never wanted to give more than the other person was giving me. 

Some would say this is smart. I disagree. I think that you deserve to get back exactly what you give. Now if you continually give way more than you receive, by all means - get the hell out. However, if you hold back, are dishonest, hide feelings, withhold affection, etc - and then get upset when you aren't rewarded those things, I do not feel sorry for you. 

Which is why I do not feel sorry for me. Referencing the previous section, pertaining to academics, once again my decisions not to give of myself and to love and basically all of 1 Chorinthians 13 come down to fear. Why? because I was afraid to fail, afraid to lose. 

When you're a child you have no concept of loss, therefore you love. You love wildly anything that strikes your fancy. Then those things are taken from you and you learn quickly not to get too attached. So you stop. You stop loving wholly from within. Because what if it's taken away? The object of your affection. Or worse - what if it doesn't love you back? 

I pretended not to care and failed to give the most important pieces out of fear; because once again, although I am learning by example that love is completely worth it, complete vulnerability is utterly terrifying. 

So I will take these new found lessons and apply them to the rest of my journey as best I can. Remembering that life is better with passion - in every form. Because it is better to have passionately pursued everything and to lose, knowing you gave it your all, then to gain something you could hardly care to have.