Up Tight

I'm uptight. I always thought I was so laid back, and in a lot of ways I am, but in a lot more ways - i'm not. 

Last night I was telling my brother about Carl. The guy I dated when I first got to Colorado. I refused to be Carl's "girlfriend" because he smoked weed once or twice a week and didn't have a home. I know this obviously sounds smart of me - but in all reality my reasons were flawed, for I refused to be CALLED his girlfriend - despite spending four days a week with him going on dates, having long conversations, etc. 

Carl was full of life, a life that cannot be explained. When we "broke up" I was mad at him because he didn't want to talk to me while I was crying. Valid point, to this day, I believe - but nevertheless. I called Carl two months later in a fit of drama and asked him what was wrong with me [wow, can I get more vulnerable here?] he replied "Heather, you take life too seriously, who cares if you fall in love right away - who cares if the person you're dating is FOR SURE the one you're going to marry, don't take life so seriously." Two months later, Carl died. The wonderful, magnanimous, life-loving, pot-smoking, couch-hopping, tender person who inspired my love for "Free Bird," left the Earth, leaving a legacy for all who knew him. 

I am easily amused with little things, I can laugh for a full five minutes. I don't get mad at other peoples points of view very easily. And overall, I think laughter is the best medicine. However, I carefully over analyze everything I say to a child because it MIGHT be the defining life lesson they get from me. I preach to people about their drinking habits when we're at a bar. I cannot handle the way girls giggle super loud when they drink too much. I think bass in a car is a huge burden on everyone in their cars around you. Loud music is the bane of my existence, to put it melodramatically. The ridiculousness of women needing to do everything with a friend makes me gag. And yes, I question if every man I date is the man I could marry. I do think it is a waste of time to date someone once you realize they're not "the one" and I over analyze every thing that my date says to me - applying it to the future. Not only that but I keep a knife next to my bed "just in case" someone decides to break into my room, and I check in my closet before bed every night - even though someone could definitely not fit in there. I just knocked on wood. Seriously? 

There are certain things to take seriously, like school and work, children and marriage. Planning for your future is fine, but not at the expense of enjoying every moment now. People will make bad decisions, and some will consequently so, ruin their own live. Others  will make bad decisions and won't ruin their lives. I have met plenty of women who were friends with their husbands long before they ever even had a romantic inclination and they're still madly in love - without having to fall right away. And who really cares anyway? If someone wants to get drunk and sloppy, what business of mine is it? It's not. The way another person chooses to live their lives is not up to my own scrupulosity. 

I'm rambling. The point is, I need to let go. Carl died three years ago - and I still remind myself daily of his advice to "not take life too seriously," it's really only life. It's my job to love, it's Jesus's job to save.