There are more things to say than hours in the day, so I am forced to choose between topics. What I hate about this is that each topic seems genuinely important to me but once the moment has passed, I feel no need to blog it. Thus the reason I chose two topics for my OYC [one year challenge] blog post.
Exhibit A. Family Matters
During this time I've chosen to read several books on relationship building, self acceptance, successful relationship propaganda, and most importantly issues related to finding God in yourself and your partner. One recurring theme seems to be the opinion of those closest to you. There are those who tell you that this isn't important, that love withstands in spite of the opinions of others. I used to agree. I don't anymore. The reason I don't is simple - I have dated men that my family and friends didn't like, and that was okay except that I wanted to share my joy with my friends and with my family and the lack of joy when they were around each other caused friction and pain in the relationship. How wonderful it would be for the two families to become one big giant family. Like my sister and her husband - they hit the jackpot when it comes to in laws and friends - everyone loves each other.
Which brings me to my next point. My fear. [Dear family members who may be reading this, please do not take offence, our family has caused you as much pain as myself and those in our family could only truly understand the following.] I am deathly afraid that the person I love will not love my family the way I do. It's been my experience that those who meet my family are pretty shocked and even judgmental. They hurl insults my way in reference to my family - insults that wound my pride. Truth be told, I don't want someone who "fits in" with my family. Nobody could fit in with my family, really. But above that, there are things about my family that I do not want to repeat in my life, or in the life of my children - how, then, do you find the person that not only gets along with your family, but is not like them?
I feel as if the answer is plain as day. My family is beautiful, though broken in many ways, and most peoples families, even those with seemingly perfect ones, have their flaws. The goal is to find someone who recognizes those flaws and realizes that I may have come from that but have chosen to be nothing like that. Somebody who realizes that we cannot make decisions for our loved ones, someone who accepts and loves me for all that I am made of and all that I have chosen to become.
Which brings me to my next point: creating myself.
One of my favorite quotes has always been, and may always be, "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." I used to live by this. However, driving home tonight I was listening to the song "Stay the Night" by James Blunt and it hit me how much I LOVE music, I actually crave it. Not only that but all of the sudden I love Chemistry. I also love flat canvas shoes and the Earth lol. I sometimes get sick and tired of Country music, and some days I think it would be alright to live in the city after college for a while. Shocking as it may seem, I have even thought maybe 6 kids is too many.
I know I have chosen to be someone who doesn't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I have chosen to love God and to follow Jesus. I have chosen to be the girl who drops everything for her friends. I have also chosen a plethora of other things but during this year of concentrating on myself, and only myself, I feel as though I am discovering myself more than I had anticipated - and not to be conceded, but I like myself. I think before, in the process of trying to only create myself I actually suppressed parts of myself for fears of being different than who I had intended.
It's okay if I don't always want to wear cowboy boots to the country bar. Or listen to country music.
It's okay if my husband only wants 4 kids. Or if I live in the city for a while.
It's okay to have many different sides, because I came from many different places, and all those pieces make me beautiful.
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