So since I have pursued deepening my relationship with the Lord I have also begun craving more Christ centered friendships. I have even gone so far as to message those whom I perceive to have good relationships with God and can help me through the questions I have. And when I say crave, I mean yearn uncontrollably for closer relationships with people who are more mature Christians than myself. The response? Nothing.
Which leaves me wondering, am I not the kind of person these people want to be friends with? Is there something about me which they perceive to be toxic to their own walk in faith? When I have questions, do they feel that I am inadequate or is it that they themselves feel inadequate to answer those questions? All my life I have been different than most of my friends - which has served me well - it's always been okay that I didn't have people to relate to. It was okay that they couldn't understand losing siblings or parents, that they couldn't understand alcoholism and drug addictions. It was okay when they thought me funny for not wanting to partake in drugs or alcohol. But now, when I am reaching out the most to those who have the kind of relationships with those around them that I would like, I feel isolated. Now I want more than anything to relate. To fit in to "that" crowd.
Tonight I watched a sermon on how Jesus commands us not to worry, and how he loves us more than he does the birds [Matthew 6:24-27] and that we should trust him to provide for us. Andy Stanley made the statement that what Jesus means is that at the end of the day, if we have done all that we can do, we should take a deep breath and trust him to provide for us how he will. And he will.
My life is amazing, and even at the worst moments God has shone through with yet another blessing, another life lesson. One of those things I realized tonight is that while the arms of those around me may not be reaching - mine may not be either. For instance, although I messaged those people to hang out, maybe I wasn't assertive enough. I didn't ask for their numbers and pursue making plans. If I am going to ask God for the type of people that i'd like to have in my life - I need to actively pursue those friendships. I need to go to the twenty somethings group I've been looking into for the past month - I need to try harder.
And then I need to relax. Because I will know, I have done all I can do.
Have you done all you can? Do you reach out to those who are visibly seeking your friendship in their lives? If not, why? If we are the body of Christ - our hands should be reaching out to those around us. We should be welcoming people into our hearts and into our lives.
I hate feeling as though I do not have someone to welcome me into their walk with Jesus, to help me understand things that a person not raised with God can't possibly know. I can only imagine how many people walked away from their pursuit of Jesus because nobody loved them back.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Resisting Temptation: What to tell my children.
So, ever since I was fifteen I have made decisions based on the children I didn't have. This sounds crazy to a lot of people that know this about me but today I feel a little vindicated. Why? Because I watched another Andy Stanley sermon. For those of you not caught up, Andy Stanley's sermons are the inspiration behind my year long challenge.
When I decided to become celibate I did so as a promise to God. When I took this challenge I decided to even abstain from kissing and other signs of overt sexual affection. Not because I believe kissing to be wrong - but because kissing leads to more; its a temptation. Now although I have kept my promise to abstain from sex - I did transgress further than I had intended. See the other two blogs on that subject.
The point is, when I spoke with Anthony about why I was so upset [which he understood], one of the things I mentioned was what I was going to tell my children someday. Thank God he is working on becoming a good Christian as well and completely heard me out and even gave me feed back. I told him that I want to be a proud mama, I don't want to be the parent that tells her kids to do and not to do A, B, and C even though I did A, B, and C. That being said I also think that it's important to let your kids know that you will fail sometimes, you will be tempted, you might give in.
Because God made us human, not Angels, as outlined in Sex God [a book].
I used to believe that because I only slept with people I was in a committed relationship with that I wasn't giving into temptations, that I was still being a good woman. However obviously that is a temptation and this isn't what I want to teach my children; that just because it's not a one night stand, God approves. Just because we are tempted doesn't mean that we give in to those temptations; and that is the crux of what I want them to know. That when we make a decision not to partake in something, we stick by those decisions and what's at stake is much more than that moment, than that small temptation.
And while I felt dramatic at the moment telling Anthony these things, I felt relieved when, while watching Andy Stanley, he made the statement that when we give into temptations our futures, others futures, and our faith are all at stake.
Although this sounds dramatic, it rings true. Because in that moment I went beyond my boundaries, I immediately imagined myself telling my children what I believe to be right, and then what my response would be when they asked "Mommy, did you wait?" I already cannot say no but I hope I can tell them a story of growth, of prosperity in my faith. A story of redemption.
When we give in to temptation, even small ones, we are saying that we do not trust God to take care of us. Where would we be had Jesus not resisted the temptation of the Devil while he was in the desert?
Nobody is perfect, and I don't want to raise self righteous children who judge another's testimony, but I want them to have a good example. I want to be that good example.
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1 A
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1B
When I decided to become celibate I did so as a promise to God. When I took this challenge I decided to even abstain from kissing and other signs of overt sexual affection. Not because I believe kissing to be wrong - but because kissing leads to more; its a temptation. Now although I have kept my promise to abstain from sex - I did transgress further than I had intended. See the other two blogs on that subject.
The point is, when I spoke with Anthony about why I was so upset [which he understood], one of the things I mentioned was what I was going to tell my children someday. Thank God he is working on becoming a good Christian as well and completely heard me out and even gave me feed back. I told him that I want to be a proud mama, I don't want to be the parent that tells her kids to do and not to do A, B, and C even though I did A, B, and C. That being said I also think that it's important to let your kids know that you will fail sometimes, you will be tempted, you might give in.
Because God made us human, not Angels, as outlined in Sex God [a book].
I used to believe that because I only slept with people I was in a committed relationship with that I wasn't giving into temptations, that I was still being a good woman. However obviously that is a temptation and this isn't what I want to teach my children; that just because it's not a one night stand, God approves. Just because we are tempted doesn't mean that we give in to those temptations; and that is the crux of what I want them to know. That when we make a decision not to partake in something, we stick by those decisions and what's at stake is much more than that moment, than that small temptation.
And while I felt dramatic at the moment telling Anthony these things, I felt relieved when, while watching Andy Stanley, he made the statement that when we give into temptations our futures, others futures, and our faith are all at stake.
Although this sounds dramatic, it rings true. Because in that moment I went beyond my boundaries, I immediately imagined myself telling my children what I believe to be right, and then what my response would be when they asked "Mommy, did you wait?" I already cannot say no but I hope I can tell them a story of growth, of prosperity in my faith. A story of redemption.
When we give in to temptation, even small ones, we are saying that we do not trust God to take care of us. Where would we be had Jesus not resisted the temptation of the Devil while he was in the desert?
Nobody is perfect, and I don't want to raise self righteous children who judge another's testimony, but I want them to have a good example. I want to be that good example.
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1 A
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1B
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Society over Jesus
So I feel as though some people may have gotten the wrong impression in my last blog post. While I talked highly of my experience in California and of my experience with someone who knows how to treat a woman - and that I even said I was okay with justification of my actions, I did not mean that I am not still working at bettering myself as a person. I also didn't intend to give the impression that I didn't think I would have learned all those valuable lessons had I followed through with my original goal. That being said I realized something extremely important and troubling; I am putting the opinions of those around me ahead of the opinion of Jesus - the only one whose opinion truly matters.
I have taken this year to better my relationship with God and myself and in doing so I believe I am learning a lot, and one of those things is how much I value the thoughts and ideas of those around me. In my previous blog I expressed how happy I was at all I learned and how far I had come in knowing what I deserve from just a few short months ago. I was overjoyed with the response I received from friends and family when they found out that I had broken my promise to myself. What I lost sight of is the fact that I broke my promise to God. I got caught up in things of this world, and I lost sight of where I had intended to be.
It's almost embarrassing being so candid in my ups and downs - but I want to be honest. Because while some Christians exude this easy walk with Jesus, it has made it difficult for myself and others to see how failure was ever forgiven. I pray that i'm finding the right words to express myself - because I think it's important to know that everyone falls short of the glory of God.
I want to be relate-able. I want others to know that the goal is not perfection but merely striving to be a better person in the eyes of God. It would be a shame for me to express the ways in which I succeed and not mention the ways in which I fall short - because that doesn't bring people closer to God, it pushes them into a place where they find Christians to be righteous hypocrites, condemning those around them whenever they trip or fall.
So, as stated previously, I held back a lot more than some people would while I was in California, but I gave in more than I had intended. And while I learned valuable lessons while I was there - most of those lessons could have been learned without crossing into the non-platonic. They could have been learned even if I had kept my promise to God. So while I fall short yet again, I have come closer to an understanding of where I need to be, and how far I have come.
In the end I want to be immersed in God's love - and have my cup overflowing with what he intends for me and my life. I want to put his opinion of me above all others - and even when those around me tell me i'm doing a good job - it is more important to know that God feels I am doing a good job.
I have taken this year to better my relationship with God and myself and in doing so I believe I am learning a lot, and one of those things is how much I value the thoughts and ideas of those around me. In my previous blog I expressed how happy I was at all I learned and how far I had come in knowing what I deserve from just a few short months ago. I was overjoyed with the response I received from friends and family when they found out that I had broken my promise to myself. What I lost sight of is the fact that I broke my promise to God. I got caught up in things of this world, and I lost sight of where I had intended to be.
It's almost embarrassing being so candid in my ups and downs - but I want to be honest. Because while some Christians exude this easy walk with Jesus, it has made it difficult for myself and others to see how failure was ever forgiven. I pray that i'm finding the right words to express myself - because I think it's important to know that everyone falls short of the glory of God.
I want to be relate-able. I want others to know that the goal is not perfection but merely striving to be a better person in the eyes of God. It would be a shame for me to express the ways in which I succeed and not mention the ways in which I fall short - because that doesn't bring people closer to God, it pushes them into a place where they find Christians to be righteous hypocrites, condemning those around them whenever they trip or fall.
So, as stated previously, I held back a lot more than some people would while I was in California, but I gave in more than I had intended. And while I learned valuable lessons while I was there - most of those lessons could have been learned without crossing into the non-platonic. They could have been learned even if I had kept my promise to God. So while I fall short yet again, I have come closer to an understanding of where I need to be, and how far I have come.
In the end I want to be immersed in God's love - and have my cup overflowing with what he intends for me and my life. I want to put his opinion of me above all others - and even when those around me tell me i'm doing a good job - it is more important to know that God feels I am doing a good job.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Playing With Fire
So I wasn't going to write about this, because it's a little more personal than I choose to divulge. But I decided that since I made the choice to chronical my one year challenge that I need to share everything - not just the good, but the bad, and the necessary. The truth is, this is difficult, more difficult than I had anticipated when I took this journey. As my dad put it, I have done the take away on myself. Before I took this step I was completely content being alone - as I have stated many times before - but since then I have become a little bit TOO interested in human relationships and their place in my life.
As many of you know I attended the Marine Corps Ball with my friend Anthony this past weekend. He asked me to attend the ball long before I took the challenge and while I considered changing my mind I decided to stick by my word. I had an absolute blast but I didn't hold back as much as I had intended - to clarify, I held back much more than some would.
That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Anthony is a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep in separate rooms, he refrained from holding my hand unless I held his. He never made a move, and he was determined to treat me the way a man should treat a woman. Which may have been my downfall quite honestly. Back to the point.
I deviated from my original goal and I was upset with myself for doing so - however, I learned some very valuable lessons. Over the past three months whenever I have spoken with Anthony leading up to and during this weekend I have questioned whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him - or if I was crossing my own boundaries of the task at hand. During this trip I realized how much I have learned and am applying to my friendships not only with Anthony but with many other people in my life.
There is a threshold in which two people have a hard time coming back from once it is crossed. I am being vulnerable here, yes, but I think it should be mentioned. I once thought that people should be able to come back from that threshold once crossed but I now understand that it should never be crossed. To come back is harder than if you never venture there. I have long questioned how people wait until marriage to give themselves away, and other than the fact that they cannot miss what they don't know, I've concluded that many of them never allow it to get that far. They understand their boundaries and they stick to them.
So while I didn't hold back as much as I wanted - I am not really too upset with myself. Because I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my tendencies to not only blame the man for discrepancies, but in my past I have failed to search out people who have good hearts.
I paid attention to things I would usually never pay attention to on this trip, and I learned a few things. I learned what it is to be treated like a princess. To feel respected and admired. To be thought of and put first. I learned what it is to hold hands and to laugh without motives. I learned how to pray with somebody in a room full of people. I learned what it felt like to be looked at like you were the only one in the room. I learned where my boundaries lie and what it's like to have someone who doesn't cross those boundaries, without your permission. I learned that there are people who listen whole heartedly to what you have to say. There are people who appreciate you for exactly who you are. That when you are treated that way, you want to treat the other person the same. I got a first hand example of the type of man I have been reading about for the past three months.
So although I have long questioned whether it was a good idea to talk to Anthony as much as I do, and whether it is a good idea to "practice" various concepts on him; this weekend, I got my answer.
Some may call this justification, and it just might be. Thats okay with me.
As many of you know I attended the Marine Corps Ball with my friend Anthony this past weekend. He asked me to attend the ball long before I took the challenge and while I considered changing my mind I decided to stick by my word. I had an absolute blast but I didn't hold back as much as I had intended - to clarify, I held back much more than some would.
That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Anthony is a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep in separate rooms, he refrained from holding my hand unless I held his. He never made a move, and he was determined to treat me the way a man should treat a woman. Which may have been my downfall quite honestly. Back to the point.
I deviated from my original goal and I was upset with myself for doing so - however, I learned some very valuable lessons. Over the past three months whenever I have spoken with Anthony leading up to and during this weekend I have questioned whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him - or if I was crossing my own boundaries of the task at hand. During this trip I realized how much I have learned and am applying to my friendships not only with Anthony but with many other people in my life.
There is a threshold in which two people have a hard time coming back from once it is crossed. I am being vulnerable here, yes, but I think it should be mentioned. I once thought that people should be able to come back from that threshold once crossed but I now understand that it should never be crossed. To come back is harder than if you never venture there. I have long questioned how people wait until marriage to give themselves away, and other than the fact that they cannot miss what they don't know, I've concluded that many of them never allow it to get that far. They understand their boundaries and they stick to them.
So while I didn't hold back as much as I wanted - I am not really too upset with myself. Because I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my tendencies to not only blame the man for discrepancies, but in my past I have failed to search out people who have good hearts.
I paid attention to things I would usually never pay attention to on this trip, and I learned a few things. I learned what it is to be treated like a princess. To feel respected and admired. To be thought of and put first. I learned what it is to hold hands and to laugh without motives. I learned how to pray with somebody in a room full of people. I learned what it felt like to be looked at like you were the only one in the room. I learned where my boundaries lie and what it's like to have someone who doesn't cross those boundaries, without your permission. I learned that there are people who listen whole heartedly to what you have to say. There are people who appreciate you for exactly who you are. That when you are treated that way, you want to treat the other person the same. I got a first hand example of the type of man I have been reading about for the past three months.
So although I have long questioned whether it was a good idea to talk to Anthony as much as I do, and whether it is a good idea to "practice" various concepts on him; this weekend, I got my answer.
Some may call this justification, and it just might be. Thats okay with me.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
To Marry Your Best Friend.
Kassie is my best friend. If you know me, chances are, you know this simple truth. However that doesn't mean you know Kassie. I live with her, talk to her everyday, and she knows everything about me. But some of my friends have only seen her in passing - it sounds like i'm talking about a stuffed animal here but I can assure you, she's real. The thing is Kassie and I are complete opposites.
Sure, throughout our friendship we have become more and more alike but in those basic fundamental ways we are far from a like. We have different tastes in music, men, food, dancing, dress, decoration styles, and expression. But Kassie and I have something most friends do not have - we have history and acceptance of the others flaws and awesomeness. Kassie and I have accepted each other for who we are, basically.
Why am I talking about my best girlfriend when the title of this post is "To Marry Your Best Friend" well no I am not considering swinging the opposite way - but Kassie is my best friend and the other day it dawned on me that I want a relationship like we have when I get married.
For instance, when Kassie wakes up in the morning, even though she hates uttering even a breath when she rolls out of bed she says "good morning," because she knows I like hearing good morning. And the other day when I was doing something or saying something [ I can't remember ] I told someone how Kassie would feel about something because I love her and I know her. So I made sure of this thing. That's when it hit me. Kassie and I think of each other when we do things. Even when we know we don't want to do something. We keep the other person's feelings in mind and we have accepted our fighting styles, our laughing styles, we don't get [too] offended when the other isn't up to par that day and we still love each other after we're angry. We hardly hold things against one another for months or weeks or even days - not that we're perfect at that either. We always say I love you and we make sure to make time for one another. We know that we can NOT forget each others birthdays and we leave notes for each other when life gets messy.
Is Kassie the perfect husband or WHAT?!?! Just kidding, but seriously. On this year journey, and long before, I have made it a point to ask what people like about their marriages and what they don't. I read books about good relationships and I listen to what the pastor says in church about being a good partner. Yet here I am, with my best friend, and we have it down pretty good.
I told Kassie the other day that if I could find a man and we had all these same things - plus more [obviously] then I would have found the love of my life. She then pointed out that we weren't always like this. In the beginning of our friendship we fought, compared one another to the other, and had a general mistrust of the other but over the past 8 years we have built something great. I don't want a relationship that starts out with arguing because that leads to resentment but I want to understand that love, like friendships, age. Relationships take time for two people to get to know the other, to appreciate all that the person is made of, and to accept with love the others differences. To fight and make it through stronger, and to make think of the other persons feelings when you're doing something.
Kassie and I have even found that we have grown apart, only to grow back together, and we're not afraid to point these moments out - when we don't understand the other person or how they've become. We say things out loud, with honesty, in an attempt to get back to where we were - thank God we usually make it back, better than before. Even when I am angry with her or annoyed or I feel unappreciated, etc - I could not turn my back on my best friend. We have made it through what most friendships do not and even in the middle of an argument we don't turn to another and say "Kassie/Heather is no longer my best friend." We have each others backs, we support each other, and we go out of our way to be a good person in the others life. We bring each other up, not tear each other down, and we work on communicating all the time.
So when I am looking for examples on how to honor 1 Corinthians 13 or the type of relationship I want with my future husband, all I have to do is look to my best friend, because we have learned what it takes to make a relationship work, to grow together, and to love each other no matter what happens. That's what I want in a husband some day, and how lucky am I that I have that in a best friend as well?
Sure, throughout our friendship we have become more and more alike but in those basic fundamental ways we are far from a like. We have different tastes in music, men, food, dancing, dress, decoration styles, and expression. But Kassie and I have something most friends do not have - we have history and acceptance of the others flaws and awesomeness. Kassie and I have accepted each other for who we are, basically.
Why am I talking about my best girlfriend when the title of this post is "To Marry Your Best Friend" well no I am not considering swinging the opposite way - but Kassie is my best friend and the other day it dawned on me that I want a relationship like we have when I get married.
For instance, when Kassie wakes up in the morning, even though she hates uttering even a breath when she rolls out of bed she says "good morning," because she knows I like hearing good morning. And the other day when I was doing something or saying something [ I can't remember ] I told someone how Kassie would feel about something because I love her and I know her. So I made sure of this thing. That's when it hit me. Kassie and I think of each other when we do things. Even when we know we don't want to do something. We keep the other person's feelings in mind and we have accepted our fighting styles, our laughing styles, we don't get [too] offended when the other isn't up to par that day and we still love each other after we're angry. We hardly hold things against one another for months or weeks or even days - not that we're perfect at that either. We always say I love you and we make sure to make time for one another. We know that we can NOT forget each others birthdays and we leave notes for each other when life gets messy.
Is Kassie the perfect husband or WHAT?!?! Just kidding, but seriously. On this year journey, and long before, I have made it a point to ask what people like about their marriages and what they don't. I read books about good relationships and I listen to what the pastor says in church about being a good partner. Yet here I am, with my best friend, and we have it down pretty good.
I told Kassie the other day that if I could find a man and we had all these same things - plus more [obviously] then I would have found the love of my life. She then pointed out that we weren't always like this. In the beginning of our friendship we fought, compared one another to the other, and had a general mistrust of the other but over the past 8 years we have built something great. I don't want a relationship that starts out with arguing because that leads to resentment but I want to understand that love, like friendships, age. Relationships take time for two people to get to know the other, to appreciate all that the person is made of, and to accept with love the others differences. To fight and make it through stronger, and to make think of the other persons feelings when you're doing something.
Kassie and I have even found that we have grown apart, only to grow back together, and we're not afraid to point these moments out - when we don't understand the other person or how they've become. We say things out loud, with honesty, in an attempt to get back to where we were - thank God we usually make it back, better than before. Even when I am angry with her or annoyed or I feel unappreciated, etc - I could not turn my back on my best friend. We have made it through what most friendships do not and even in the middle of an argument we don't turn to another and say "Kassie/Heather is no longer my best friend." We have each others backs, we support each other, and we go out of our way to be a good person in the others life. We bring each other up, not tear each other down, and we work on communicating all the time.
So when I am looking for examples on how to honor 1 Corinthians 13 or the type of relationship I want with my future husband, all I have to do is look to my best friend, because we have learned what it takes to make a relationship work, to grow together, and to love each other no matter what happens. That's what I want in a husband some day, and how lucky am I that I have that in a best friend as well?
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Jesus is my . . . boyfriend?
I believe I've mentioned this book before, but I am reading the book Sex God by Rob Bell, and it is fantastic. I recently read the chapter titled "Under the Chuppah."
A chuppah is something used in Jewish weddings, I believe it is used for more but I am no expert. Anyway, when two people are married they stand under the chuppah. In the Bible the chuppah is also a prayer cloth or something to that effect, which symbolizes being under God or connected to God - something along those lines. The chuppah is used in a marriage ceremony to signify the union of these two people under God and with God.
Once these people were married, in the old times, they were whisked off to their room to consecrate their marriage. During this time people would wait outside until they were done - and once they were, a celebration would ensue, for days on end. Sex was something that came with marriage.
Rob then gets into the passages pertaining to men marring women whom they've slept with. There are two, very controversial passages here, one which states that if a man sleeps with a woman promised to someone else he must marry her and pay the bride price for her. Another states that if a man rapes a virgin he must pay her bride price and marry her as well. This is why I love this book, because he then explains these passages. Maybe not the way every other pastor would but in a way that I could understand, because those were hard for me to read when I came to that part in the Bible.
Anyway, during that period in history women had no value. If a man wanted to rape a woman he could, with no consequences, leaving this woman "dirty" or unfit for marriage as they saw her. She was no longer wanted as a wife because someone had slept with her. And by sleeping with a woman promised to someone else, he could walk away and her husband would obviously no longer want her. So by commanding that these men had to marry these women - to provide for them, to feed them, clothe them, and to house them God was giving them consequences for their actions. We hear people say that God was twisted but really these people were twisted much more so without this law. They were ALLOWED to rape women because women had NO WORTH.
Which isn't even the point of my blog. The point of my blog comes later in the chapter. Where it is stated that sex symbolized marriage to God. When we have sex we have given everything of ourselves. Really I could not summarize this chapter in so few words. The chapter speaks of agape (ahh-gahh-pay). selfless, giving love. of men dying for their wives. of women holding out for the man that will die for them, give for them, agape them.
At some point Rob somehow makes the parallel between premarital sex and us cheating on God. That's right - cheating on God.
They were married under the chuppah to signify the union of two people under and with God - but the marriage was not final until they had sex. As one person under God, with God.
So, that got me thinking of the other night when a guy asked if I was available, and I said "no" he said "Oh you have a boyfriend" and I said "not exactly, I'm just taken" ::funny stare:: and I replied "by Jesus" - worst looks ever, followed by laughter. I felt silly, yes, but I have taken this year challenge so I am technically not available.
After reading this I thought, really - I am taken by Jesus. To give myself to another, without the blessing of God is to cheat on God and the things which he has given me to give to my husband. I know I obviously do not have that to give anymore - but if someone were to cheat on their husband would it be okay to continue doing so just because they've done it before? Easy answer when it's put in that context. No.
So that got me thinking, if I am Gods then shouldn't I live my life as if he were my . . . boyfriend? Which then had me wondering how that played in to my life once I can start dating again. Would I flirt with another man if I were taken? Would I date other men if I were accounted for?
Obviously those are extreme questions. The point is that sex is sacred, meant for a marriage. And dating multiple people is not wrong, its giving yourself dishonestly to multiple people that becomes the real problem. So reserving myself for the person I marry while remaining faithful to God is the real point here. But the point is a big point, a testament few can commit to, including myself.
I'd like to stand, in the eyes of God, and get married with the knowledge that I can be faithful, that I have been faithful - to the one that matters most, to the one who already has laid down his life for me.
A chuppah is something used in Jewish weddings, I believe it is used for more but I am no expert. Anyway, when two people are married they stand under the chuppah. In the Bible the chuppah is also a prayer cloth or something to that effect, which symbolizes being under God or connected to God - something along those lines. The chuppah is used in a marriage ceremony to signify the union of these two people under God and with God.
Once these people were married, in the old times, they were whisked off to their room to consecrate their marriage. During this time people would wait outside until they were done - and once they were, a celebration would ensue, for days on end. Sex was something that came with marriage.
Rob then gets into the passages pertaining to men marring women whom they've slept with. There are two, very controversial passages here, one which states that if a man sleeps with a woman promised to someone else he must marry her and pay the bride price for her. Another states that if a man rapes a virgin he must pay her bride price and marry her as well. This is why I love this book, because he then explains these passages. Maybe not the way every other pastor would but in a way that I could understand, because those were hard for me to read when I came to that part in the Bible.
Anyway, during that period in history women had no value. If a man wanted to rape a woman he could, with no consequences, leaving this woman "dirty" or unfit for marriage as they saw her. She was no longer wanted as a wife because someone had slept with her. And by sleeping with a woman promised to someone else, he could walk away and her husband would obviously no longer want her. So by commanding that these men had to marry these women - to provide for them, to feed them, clothe them, and to house them God was giving them consequences for their actions. We hear people say that God was twisted but really these people were twisted much more so without this law. They were ALLOWED to rape women because women had NO WORTH.
Which isn't even the point of my blog. The point of my blog comes later in the chapter. Where it is stated that sex symbolized marriage to God. When we have sex we have given everything of ourselves. Really I could not summarize this chapter in so few words. The chapter speaks of agape (ahh-gahh-pay). selfless, giving love. of men dying for their wives. of women holding out for the man that will die for them, give for them, agape them.
At some point Rob somehow makes the parallel between premarital sex and us cheating on God. That's right - cheating on God.
They were married under the chuppah to signify the union of two people under and with God - but the marriage was not final until they had sex. As one person under God, with God.
So, that got me thinking of the other night when a guy asked if I was available, and I said "no" he said "Oh you have a boyfriend" and I said "not exactly, I'm just taken" ::funny stare:: and I replied "by Jesus" - worst looks ever, followed by laughter. I felt silly, yes, but I have taken this year challenge so I am technically not available.
After reading this I thought, really - I am taken by Jesus. To give myself to another, without the blessing of God is to cheat on God and the things which he has given me to give to my husband. I know I obviously do not have that to give anymore - but if someone were to cheat on their husband would it be okay to continue doing so just because they've done it before? Easy answer when it's put in that context. No.
So that got me thinking, if I am Gods then shouldn't I live my life as if he were my . . . boyfriend? Which then had me wondering how that played in to my life once I can start dating again. Would I flirt with another man if I were taken? Would I date other men if I were accounted for?
Obviously those are extreme questions. The point is that sex is sacred, meant for a marriage. And dating multiple people is not wrong, its giving yourself dishonestly to multiple people that becomes the real problem. So reserving myself for the person I marry while remaining faithful to God is the real point here. But the point is a big point, a testament few can commit to, including myself.
I'd like to stand, in the eyes of God, and get married with the knowledge that I can be faithful, that I have been faithful - to the one that matters most, to the one who already has laid down his life for me.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Room For One More?
I was talking to a friend last night. As I sat and listened to them talking about their dreams: where they'd live, what they want, how they want it. While they spoke, I wondered if there were room for anyone else in those dreams.
This person was so adamant about their life goals that it seemed as though there could be room for nobody else's dreams or goals. My next thought was "am I like this?" I began tracing back to all the things I tell those around me. About my dreams of vet school and a farm, of a big family, of how I want my wedding [yes this just so happens to be all planned out] and I wondered, do I leave room for anybody else?
This train of thought I was on instantly took me back to a time, I was dating this guy in Colorado, I've blogged of him before. When we broke up he said to me "Heather I just don't think i'm what you're looking for, I don't think I can give you what you want." At the time, of course, I was sure this wasn't true. I was appalled that someone thought I wanted so much - so much that they would be unable to give those things to me. As if I needed someone to give them to me. Then listening to my friend last night, I realized exactly how he felt when he said that to me. With dreams SO BIG and SO PRECISE how can anybody else's dreams come in? Because we all have dreams. They are each our own. The "problem" isn't that we have our own dreams, it's that it takes two to tango. Two people with different ideas, maybe the basics are the same, but when you get down to it - the differences are vast.
When I speak of my desires, do I do so in a way where the other person wonders where they fit in? Although I am sure I do, I hope I learn not to. Because while my dreams are large and pretty exact - I am only dreaming with the knowledge that these dreams can be shaped. The ultimate goal is to find my best friend, to give and to take ideas - to mesh together two sets of hopes. I want someone who will ask me what my ideas are and tell me theirs and we'll figure it out together. Input.
I was reading an article about a couple who bought a property and their designer had them write a list of exactly what they wanted in a house. This couple decided to do so in different places and compare lists. While much of their ideas were the same - some were different. They had to compromise, to get these lists down to one. It ended happily ever after and they got their home and each had things they wanted - and didn't have some as well.
I do not want to get so focused on my goals that I don't leave room for someone else. That I exclude the hopes and dreams of the person God has intended me for. I don't want to be so "stuck in my ways" if you will, that I am unable to waver from such a path of determination. Of selfish abandon; that I must obtain all the desires of my heart without deviating by allowing room for another.
I want my dreams to be "we want," not just "I want."
This person was so adamant about their life goals that it seemed as though there could be room for nobody else's dreams or goals. My next thought was "am I like this?" I began tracing back to all the things I tell those around me. About my dreams of vet school and a farm, of a big family, of how I want my wedding [yes this just so happens to be all planned out] and I wondered, do I leave room for anybody else?
This train of thought I was on instantly took me back to a time, I was dating this guy in Colorado, I've blogged of him before. When we broke up he said to me "Heather I just don't think i'm what you're looking for, I don't think I can give you what you want." At the time, of course, I was sure this wasn't true. I was appalled that someone thought I wanted so much - so much that they would be unable to give those things to me. As if I needed someone to give them to me. Then listening to my friend last night, I realized exactly how he felt when he said that to me. With dreams SO BIG and SO PRECISE how can anybody else's dreams come in? Because we all have dreams. They are each our own. The "problem" isn't that we have our own dreams, it's that it takes two to tango. Two people with different ideas, maybe the basics are the same, but when you get down to it - the differences are vast.
When I speak of my desires, do I do so in a way where the other person wonders where they fit in? Although I am sure I do, I hope I learn not to. Because while my dreams are large and pretty exact - I am only dreaming with the knowledge that these dreams can be shaped. The ultimate goal is to find my best friend, to give and to take ideas - to mesh together two sets of hopes. I want someone who will ask me what my ideas are and tell me theirs and we'll figure it out together. Input.
I was reading an article about a couple who bought a property and their designer had them write a list of exactly what they wanted in a house. This couple decided to do so in different places and compare lists. While much of their ideas were the same - some were different. They had to compromise, to get these lists down to one. It ended happily ever after and they got their home and each had things they wanted - and didn't have some as well.
I do not want to get so focused on my goals that I don't leave room for someone else. That I exclude the hopes and dreams of the person God has intended me for. I don't want to be so "stuck in my ways" if you will, that I am unable to waver from such a path of determination. Of selfish abandon; that I must obtain all the desires of my heart without deviating by allowing room for another.
I want my dreams to be "we want," not just "I want."
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