The Overtly Over-Done "Living For The Now" Post

So it's been a good three to six months since I last posted. Quite honestly, a lot has happened since then. For one I have decided that I no longer desire to obtain my DVM degree. After 160 hours of shadowing in a veterinary clinic, I realized it wasn't my dream. I figured, why spend four years and at least a hundred thousand dollars obtaining a degree which I am not passionate about? Which brings me to my next point. 

What if I don't have a passion? I mean seriously. The only thing I can recall being whole-heartedly passionate about is having children. I want children - I always have. I want lots of them. But guess what? Sometimes I don't want any. When the magnitude of life and of my own selfish desires trumps any desire to put all my time and energy into multiple human organisms. However, over the past few months while on the job search I have been driven to make every decision based on these unborn children. On the assumption that A. I can have children B. that Anthony and I will actually get married and C. that all our grand plans of me staying at home and home schooling our children will actually line up with God's grand plans. 

So, over the past few months I have avoided applying at some places, avoided returning to school, and avoided anything that takes a lot of commitment because why waste my time? After all, I'm having babies in a few years!!! 

Well I started to notice that the weight of these decisions is heavy. I am not passionate about anything in particular. I could literally do a plethora of different jobs and be happy. My only desire is that I make enough to live comfortably and that someone hires me because I went to college for four years under this false sense of job security once I obtained my degree. 

I ended up emailing a previous teacher of mine. She has three children, she stays at home, and she literally drenches herself in the Lord and his will. Her posts and her blog fill my day with hope and security. She helps me to keep my eye on God and grow in my faith. In my email I asked her if she intended on going back to work after the kids were school age. Her response? Probably. Not yes, not no, not anything but probably. 

Probably means most likely, but it leaves room for not happening. It leaves room for change. It leaves room for God. 

I then went on to express to her my frustration with life and jobs and not having a passion. Her next response? "Search for a career for your stage in life right now." She then went on to tell me that she and her husband had ideas of what would happen but they took life as it came. Tackling decisions as they arose and seeking Gods guidance in all of their endeavors. 

So what does this mean? Obviously I need to live for now. Not tomorrow or next year or ten years from now. But now. And not in that YOLO kind of drug abusing, law breaking lifestyle of never making arrangements for future endeavors and only thinking of this moment, but more that not ruling anything out and really going for it right now kind of way. 

 I am a girl who thrives on goals and plans. If I feel that I am working toward something I am literally giddy with life. It is when I become complacent or stagnant that I begin to suffer. Thus my problem with always needing something in the future to work toward. However, nobody ever said the future had to mean five years from now. The future is literally a minute from now. What is my goal for ten minutes from now? What job would I love to do now? 

Besides, they've done studies well over a mile long on the benefits of focusing on where you are in life, the now, rather than where you project your life to be in ten years. The truth is, I can be anything I want. I can continue applying for jobs with my current degree. I can go back and get some sort of technical degree. I can do anything - without fear of the future.

I've known this for years. I've learned it a hundred times. I've also needed to be reminded of it a hundred more. It's okay to let go - not to take life so seriously. 

To live for the stage of life I am at right in this moment. So I'm going to work on it. I'm going to seek God's guidance and then follow that path - because who knows? And who cares. 

The End of an Adventure! Or is it . . .

Apparently I have been so caught up in my life-loving-bliss that I have failed to blog for a whopping 3.25 months! In my absence I failed to close out one very important chapter which I so diligently talked about for several months - my One Year Challenge. 

My year challenge of devoting myself to solidifying my relationship with God and steering clear of dating ended on July 14th. However, as most of you know, I did not steer clear of dating. In fact, I fell madly, deeply in love with a friend whom I have known for four years. He moved here to Minnesota on May 31st of this year - hmm and my last blog was May 28th ;) 

In closing out my year challenge, two months late,  would like to divulge two very important lessons I learned through my year of discovery.

One. Although my year was meant to be spent staying away from dating and devoting myself to only God and me, I am so thankful that I did not do so. Although I chose to pursue my relationship with Anthony, I did not neglect my studies. In fact, Anthony and I took part in deep discussions concerning the God-centered relationship material I was reading. He gave me ideas on how to interpret the information and I helped him to understand where I was learning some of my super outdated ways of thinking. I mean, who knew that the keys to a good relationship were communication, listening, not putting the other person down, allowing each other their own personal space, and trusting one another? As well as  forgiveness, sweet forgiveness. Who knew that complete authenticity could bring two people so close to one another? We are so utterly at ease with one another, it sometimes scares me. The things I can say, the way we can act, surprises nor bothers either of us. When we have something on our mind, we can both reference past materials or discussions we had about how to handle the situation. We are on the same page. 

I truly believe that had I chose to venture on that journey myself, and then met someone, I would have found myself at a completely different point in life than the person with whom I was trying to build a relationship. I would have had to try to remember an entire year of studying and then try to relay that to the person I found myself in a relationship with. And as most of us who have ever been in school know - who the heck ever remembers an entire year of information? Which brings me to my next point. 

To truly know and understand relationships, to really know how to handle situations and practice healthy relationship techniques takes way more than a year. It takes an entire life time. It takes more than reading a book once, you must continue to read it, to search for more material. To read that, to talk about it, to understand it, and to read it again. It takes situations you both encounter time and time again, acting out in a negative way, internalizing your mistake, and trying to do it better the next time. It takes learning what works with your partner, no matter what a book says. I love the basis that the year gave both of us in this relationship, I am a much different person now in my relationship than I was in any previous one. 

Two. Much like you cannot solidify your knowledge of relationships in a year, nor can you solidify your relationship with God. Like your relationship with your partner, this takes a life time. A lifetime of learning, searching, and studying. My relationship with God is ever growing, changing, and broadening. My understanding of the scripture will change with every situation in my life. I will have to read, re read, and continue to read the Bible and various other texts to grasp and continue to grasp my walk with Jesus. Anthony and I will have to continue inserting God in the center of our relationship to ensure that God truly is the heart and soul of our relationship, but this takes more than a year - it takes a life time. 

So while I may have come here to close out an adventure, a chapter in my life, I realized that my adventure - that chapter - is really just beginning. 

The Sins of the Father

I haven't been inspired at Church enough lately to write a blog post - that or I've been too lazy. But here I am! 

This Sunday I went to Church in Texas, at a place called The Current, with a couple friends of mine and they were wrapping up a sermon series about baggage. Baggage from the past that carries over and penetrates our relationships with our children, our significant others, and our friends. 

I was intrigued, to say the least, because we all have baggage - and at times we feel we have more than anyone else. However, they started out the sermon with a video depicting what happened that fateful day in the Garden of Eden when sin was introduced into the world. I was confused. What did this have to do with baggage? It didn't help that I wasn't a big fan of the depiction but that's besides the point. Eventually the movie ended and the pastor pointed out that baggage had come into the world within the first few chapters of the history of man. It was inevitable. 

As my boyfriend put it - we had ONE RULE! 

Adam and Eve broke that rule, introducing all that we have come to deal with on a daily basis. Again, this is besides the point. 

Then the pastor asked "What does sin have to do with baggage?" Thank you, mister obvious, we were all quite confused. 

Well, he continued, sin is three different things. Two of which I can't remember to be honest, but one that resonated with me. Sin, above all, carries over. He stated that we are punished for the sins of our father. He then pointed out that in the new testament not as much but plenty of times in the old testament we are told of punishment reverberating across generations of man for what one people did. Which prompted me to look up Ezekiel, in the old testament, and show my friend where in Ezekiel 18:17 it states " He will not die for his father's sins; he will surely live." 

I was so bothered by what the pastor had said, I brought it up during lunch, where we had a lengthy conversation which cleared things up for me. 

We are punished for the sins of each other. Not so much with life and death - that we earn for ourselves. However, we are greatly affected by what is done to us, even if not by us. The pastor used our parents transgressions as an example, as well as abusive relationships. 

We are not in control of how our parents raised us or the sins they committed. We are not in control of those who abuse us. But we are in control of how we handle that. 

Sin carries over from their lives, into our own. We have the choice to learn from it and do the opposite, to treat others differently, to live a life for Jesus, to repent when we know we've done wrong. We have the choice to let it go and to move on. Not only for ourselves, but for our children and our significant others. 

I am greatly affected by the transgressions of my parents. How they chose to treat each other in their marriage. How they chose to live their lives. The choices they made. The sins they committed. 

However, it is my choice not to repeat their mistakes. To sin myself - because we all sin. But to find it in God to forgive those sins. It is up to me to leave the baggage behind and not carry it into my relationship with Anthony and later my children. 

Because my choices will affect my children - and how they perceive what is okay and what is not okay. The way I sin will have a lasting affect on how my children handle situations. Each of their first encounters with a situation will be met with reflection on what their mom and dad did. When I tell them what is and is not okay they may ask what I have done in that situation. I can make, and hope that I have made, good decisions in most aspects of my life. Because my choices pave the way for their choices.

They can choose to follow in my foot steps or pave their own way. 

The Illusion of Injury

You can't remember the moment it happened, nor the moments before.
The hours and even the days after have long since been hidden in time, far from memory.
Yet, it's all in your head.

Anger and frustration have crept into the crevices once reserved for contemplation
Moments of manic giddiness have found it hard to get connected
Instead fatigue has decided to set up shop

And you wonder whether it's the medical bills which have begun stacking on your desk
Or the second job you've gotten just to pay them
That has made your once endless energy plummet 

You go from the girl who got through the day with 6 hours of sleep
So hyper energetic, people were thrust into instant sleepiness just looking at you
To the girl practically half asleep after her third cup of coffee and 8 hours of sleep
And it ain't even noon

People point out the obvious character changes
Their glances remind you that you've said something abnormal
As if you don't know

An explanation of the situation always yeilds the same response
You're just over thinking it

And you believe them
You begin to feel frustrated and then angry
Not with the situation, but rather with yourself
Because perhaps if you weren't blaming your injury
You'd be fine

Perhaps if you pretended it never happened
It would be as if it never did

Moments of utter emotion, those of which you cannot explain
Days when you know the anger toiling in your soul is not vindicated
Attempts to stifle those feelings, to no avail

You think back to the moments you scoffed in the face of another
Listening to them bicker and blame their unseen illness
And you realize, what is not seen is often felt much deeper than imagined
Much deeper than their head

You think that if you never say it out loud
That it isn't real
Saying it means facing it
And facing it means succumbing to it

They remind you of how lucky you are
As if you don't know
As if you don't understand and thank God every day

Maybe it's only to stifle the emotion they're sick of hearing
The same one you're sick of feeling
You wonder if you even have a right to feel anything

It's writing a "b" that doesn't look like a b
Sitting there helplessly
As someone tells you that it is in fact a b
but it never takes shape in your mind

Denying that it could be anything other than silly confusion
Even in the face of your doctors
Who tell you to take it easy, it's an injury
But you don't believe them

Because it's all in your head

You learn to love the new parts of yourself
To work on the parts you could do without
To internalize feelings that no one wants to hear

And you laugh

You laugh at the irony
When people tell you it's all in your head
These moments severed in time
Removed from your memory

Decisions Leading to Circumstances

I've been thinking a lot lately about the role we play in our own circumstances. I listen intently [I know, surprising] as people explain how life keeps knocking them down, how they can never get ahead, and how unfair God is in his plans. 

And while all this may be true, I wonder how we can turn that around. Here are a few theories. 

God does give us a bad hand from time to time, sometimes many at once, however there is nothing dealt to us which we cannot handle. How different could our circumstances be if we changed our attitudes or the way in which we conduct ourselves?

Many times, these same people [including myself] fail to realize the decisions they've made that have lead them to this point in their lives. How many of us take a good look at how we spend our money? How we save our money? Or the job we've chosen? I understand that to have a job is a blessing - and if that is the only job you can find, ask yourself if you chose to live above the rent you can afford. Ask yourself whether you need to buy a 6 pack of beer each night. Ask yourself whether getting your hair done every 6 weeks or your nails done every 3 is really something you can afford. 

In fact, add these things up. How much are you spending on superfluous things when it's hard to even pay the electricity bill each month?

Next we face savings. A lot of times when life knocks us on our ass - it happens to cost money. We may ask "where on Earth am I supposed to come up with that?"  When the question should be, why wasn't I putting more money into savings? If we saved more of our money, life would be a lot less daunting when it hit us with some huge financial punch. We'd simply dip into our savings and pay whatever it is off. That being said - emergency savings are just that, emergency funds - I pretend the money in my savings account isn't real money at all. It doesn't exist. It's simply a number on my computer screen when I sign into my account. I cannot spend it, it is not real.That means it's not there for my nails, or my hair, or that cute purse. It's not there for that last minute concert, or for 6 bathing suits for one vacation. It doesn't exist. 

What a fun sucker, right? Well - I have a solution. I had been reading lately about having multiple bank accounts - one for fixed expenses, which for me comprises 98% of what I make, making savings difficult - but necessary. Next is for emergency funds, and then - wait for it - fun money! This money is the ONLY money that can be spent on fun like nails, clothes, or vacations. Which percentage of savings is allotted to emergency and to fun depends on you - just remember, your decisions now effect your stress level later when life gives you lemons. 

This requires not only a spending change, but an attitude change. If every time we put money into savings we feel sad that we can't spend it. Or if each time we put something back we're depressed. Or if each time we have to pay off an emergency we get angry - obviously saving will feel terrible. However if we tilt that attitude to smiling every time we save up because we get to go on an awesome vacation next year, or when the car breaks down we KNOW we have money put away, it's actually a wonderful feeling!! 

Someone leaves us or does us wrong. We lose our job. All of these things seem to happen to us, not as a result of our own doing. However, how many of us failed to work on each aspect of our relationship while we were in them? People are making fun of me for reading relationship books and watching sermons/seminars on relationship building. Anthony and I watch some of them together, and talk about our ideas later. Silly us! Trying to solidify something that could potentially become life long! 

I know this seems to be a simplistic view on changing circumstances. However I disagree. I truly believe life is only 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do about it. It obviously doesn't happen over night, but if we continue to live life as we always have - with the same attitudes and the same spending habits - we'll continue to have the same problems when life knocks us down.

We only have today to change our tomorrows. It won't happen over night, but ask yourself if you've been doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results - and then change it!! :)

Wedding over Marriage

I stumbled upon a Yahoo article about a couple who had been married 73 years before the man, Pop Pop,  died. Their granddaughters, along with the woman, Cutie, decided to write a book about their love - titled How To Fall in Love for Life. Naturally, I bought the book and naturally, I am hooked. 

While reading the chapter on their marriage I was surprised to read what their wedding entailed. Not only did they wed after only 5 months but their wedding was a traditional, simplistic wedding. One in which Cutie's father planned - one where they only knew about 30 of the 130 guests in attendance. She didn't pick out her dress, nor did she pick out the menu. Obviously they didn't choose the guest list either. 

She points out that today, they wrote the book in 2012, weddings become a huge headache. Often times the details muddle what the day is truly about. It's about two people coming together in love - to become one, to build a life together. 

They got married in 1937, after only knowing one another for 5 months. Yet they lasted 73 years before one of them died. Besides all of the wonderful advice she gives about accepting your partner for who they are and taking time to yourself when you get too angry - she points out that she could have cared less if her napkins matched the groomsmen's socks - because that's not what a wedding is about. 

I wonder how different marriages would be, how different the divorce rate would be, if we went into a wedding with the goal of marriage in mind rather than impressing everyone in attendance with our fancy table settings. 

I wonder when the wedding became all about the woman and never about the man involved. When they decided to sit back and watch as their future wife took over everything. I wonder what it would be like to make every decision together - or at least most of them - just as you would once married. 

How different would a marriage be if planning for the wedding was a practice run for marriage? 

I understand that many people say that those people stuck it out even if they weren't happy - and today we believe in our own happiness 100 percent of the time - and I haven't gotten to the chapter on their hardships, but i'm sure there were many. 

Maybe the difference is that they saw themselves as two children going in to a life together, learning together, and growing together - always with the other's best interest in mind. They made it work - because they were both brand new, they were both just as scared, but they were both just as thrilled. 

And two became one. . . 

Religion vs. God

I stayed home from church today and instead watched a sermon from Andy Stanley, titled Intimacy with God. It's funny because the part that stuck out to me most was when he brought up religion versus true intimacy with God. Most Christians abhor religion as much as the nonbelievers - however it never occurred to me how religious I could be. 

Andy started out by asking us to imagine a situation where we yearned for a deeper more meaningful relationship with another person - be it a husband, wife, brother, sister, parent, friend - anyone. We give one hundred percent of ourselves only to be stiff armed every time we try to get closer. God is that person, trying desperately to get closer to us. We've opted for religion over intimacy with God. 

Religion teaches respect for God. We learn the formula. Get up, go to church, don't swear, say 50 hail Marys, fast for lent, etc. But religion leads to two things - self centered and judgmental people. Religion teaches us to judge, because we "know what God is looking for" in other Christians. So we judge those people and in turn begin to hate them. Religion teaches us that if we do a b and c we will get d. We become selfish. If only I do this, God will give me this. 

Then when we don't get what we want, we are surprised, we get angry with God because "the God I believe in wouldn't have let that happen" - but we don't really know him. 

Some of the greatest pain comes from religious people. In John 6:2-3 Jesus tells his followers that religious people will "put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service. ³ And these things will they do unto you, because they have not known the Father, nor me." They commit acts based on what the church has told them God wants. 

The sad part is, I became one of the religious people in that moment. I thought of several people who have judged and condemned me because of what they "believed" God wanted of me. Because of what they thought a good Christian should consist of. And then something amazing happened, I hated them. In that moment I felt disgusted and instead of doing what Jesus calls us to do, I did what religion calls me to do - I hated rather than loved my neighbor based on their actions. I did the very thing that I hated in that moment. 

I want intimacy with God. Which Andy points out requires three things: time, transparency, and submission. Time uninterrupted, prayers not littered by politeness but instead by the absolute truth because God knows the truth, he just wants it to come from us, and giving one hundred percent of ourselves through submission. A truly intimate relationship, with God or with man, requires that we put the other persons needs in front of our own all the time - and God has already done that for us. 

I want to continue my life in a constant and passionate pursuit of intimacy with God. I want to know Him, not just what religion tells me, but who the Father really is. I want to give all of me as he has given all of him. And I want to show the world the love that Jesus sought, not the condemnation that has forced so many out of the church. 

I want more than ever to be closer to God. 

Andy Stanley - Intimacy with God