Kassie is my best friend. If you know me, chances are, you know this simple truth. However that doesn't mean you know Kassie. I live with her, talk to her everyday, and she knows everything about me. But some of my friends have only seen her in passing - it sounds like i'm talking about a stuffed animal here but I can assure you, she's real. The thing is Kassie and I are complete opposites.
Sure, throughout our friendship we have become more and more alike but in those basic fundamental ways we are far from a like. We have different tastes in music, men, food, dancing, dress, decoration styles, and expression. But Kassie and I have something most friends do not have - we have history and acceptance of the others flaws and awesomeness. Kassie and I have accepted each other for who we are, basically.
Why am I talking about my best girlfriend when the title of this post is "To Marry Your Best Friend" well no I am not considering swinging the opposite way - but Kassie is my best friend and the other day it dawned on me that I want a relationship like we have when I get married.
For instance, when Kassie wakes up in the morning, even though she hates uttering even a breath when she rolls out of bed she says "good morning," because she knows I like hearing good morning. And the other day when I was doing something or saying something [ I can't remember ] I told someone how Kassie would feel about something because I love her and I know her. So I made sure of this thing. That's when it hit me. Kassie and I think of each other when we do things. Even when we know we don't want to do something. We keep the other person's feelings in mind and we have accepted our fighting styles, our laughing styles, we don't get [too] offended when the other isn't up to par that day and we still love each other after we're angry. We hardly hold things against one another for months or weeks or even days - not that we're perfect at that either. We always say I love you and we make sure to make time for one another. We know that we can NOT forget each others birthdays and we leave notes for each other when life gets messy.
Is Kassie the perfect husband or WHAT?!?! Just kidding, but seriously. On this year journey, and long before, I have made it a point to ask what people like about their marriages and what they don't. I read books about good relationships and I listen to what the pastor says in church about being a good partner. Yet here I am, with my best friend, and we have it down pretty good.
I told Kassie the other day that if I could find a man and we had all these same things - plus more [obviously] then I would have found the love of my life. She then pointed out that we weren't always like this. In the beginning of our friendship we fought, compared one another to the other, and had a general mistrust of the other but over the past 8 years we have built something great. I don't want a relationship that starts out with arguing because that leads to resentment but I want to understand that love, like friendships, age. Relationships take time for two people to get to know the other, to appreciate all that the person is made of, and to accept with love the others differences. To fight and make it through stronger, and to make think of the other persons feelings when you're doing something.
Kassie and I have even found that we have grown apart, only to grow back together, and we're not afraid to point these moments out - when we don't understand the other person or how they've become. We say things out loud, with honesty, in an attempt to get back to where we were - thank God we usually make it back, better than before. Even when I am angry with her or annoyed or I feel unappreciated, etc - I could not turn my back on my best friend. We have made it through what most friendships do not and even in the middle of an argument we don't turn to another and say "Kassie/Heather is no longer my best friend." We have each others backs, we support each other, and we go out of our way to be a good person in the others life. We bring each other up, not tear each other down, and we work on communicating all the time.
So when I am looking for examples on how to honor 1 Corinthians 13 or the type of relationship I want with my future husband, all I have to do is look to my best friend, because we have learned what it takes to make a relationship work, to grow together, and to love each other no matter what happens. That's what I want in a husband some day, and how lucky am I that I have that in a best friend as well?
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Jesus is my . . . boyfriend?
I believe I've mentioned this book before, but I am reading the book Sex God by Rob Bell, and it is fantastic. I recently read the chapter titled "Under the Chuppah."
A chuppah is something used in Jewish weddings, I believe it is used for more but I am no expert. Anyway, when two people are married they stand under the chuppah. In the Bible the chuppah is also a prayer cloth or something to that effect, which symbolizes being under God or connected to God - something along those lines. The chuppah is used in a marriage ceremony to signify the union of these two people under God and with God.
Once these people were married, in the old times, they were whisked off to their room to consecrate their marriage. During this time people would wait outside until they were done - and once they were, a celebration would ensue, for days on end. Sex was something that came with marriage.
Rob then gets into the passages pertaining to men marring women whom they've slept with. There are two, very controversial passages here, one which states that if a man sleeps with a woman promised to someone else he must marry her and pay the bride price for her. Another states that if a man rapes a virgin he must pay her bride price and marry her as well. This is why I love this book, because he then explains these passages. Maybe not the way every other pastor would but in a way that I could understand, because those were hard for me to read when I came to that part in the Bible.
Anyway, during that period in history women had no value. If a man wanted to rape a woman he could, with no consequences, leaving this woman "dirty" or unfit for marriage as they saw her. She was no longer wanted as a wife because someone had slept with her. And by sleeping with a woman promised to someone else, he could walk away and her husband would obviously no longer want her. So by commanding that these men had to marry these women - to provide for them, to feed them, clothe them, and to house them God was giving them consequences for their actions. We hear people say that God was twisted but really these people were twisted much more so without this law. They were ALLOWED to rape women because women had NO WORTH.
Which isn't even the point of my blog. The point of my blog comes later in the chapter. Where it is stated that sex symbolized marriage to God. When we have sex we have given everything of ourselves. Really I could not summarize this chapter in so few words. The chapter speaks of agape (ahh-gahh-pay). selfless, giving love. of men dying for their wives. of women holding out for the man that will die for them, give for them, agape them.
At some point Rob somehow makes the parallel between premarital sex and us cheating on God. That's right - cheating on God.
They were married under the chuppah to signify the union of two people under and with God - but the marriage was not final until they had sex. As one person under God, with God.
So, that got me thinking of the other night when a guy asked if I was available, and I said "no" he said "Oh you have a boyfriend" and I said "not exactly, I'm just taken" ::funny stare:: and I replied "by Jesus" - worst looks ever, followed by laughter. I felt silly, yes, but I have taken this year challenge so I am technically not available.
After reading this I thought, really - I am taken by Jesus. To give myself to another, without the blessing of God is to cheat on God and the things which he has given me to give to my husband. I know I obviously do not have that to give anymore - but if someone were to cheat on their husband would it be okay to continue doing so just because they've done it before? Easy answer when it's put in that context. No.
So that got me thinking, if I am Gods then shouldn't I live my life as if he were my . . . boyfriend? Which then had me wondering how that played in to my life once I can start dating again. Would I flirt with another man if I were taken? Would I date other men if I were accounted for?
Obviously those are extreme questions. The point is that sex is sacred, meant for a marriage. And dating multiple people is not wrong, its giving yourself dishonestly to multiple people that becomes the real problem. So reserving myself for the person I marry while remaining faithful to God is the real point here. But the point is a big point, a testament few can commit to, including myself.
I'd like to stand, in the eyes of God, and get married with the knowledge that I can be faithful, that I have been faithful - to the one that matters most, to the one who already has laid down his life for me.
A chuppah is something used in Jewish weddings, I believe it is used for more but I am no expert. Anyway, when two people are married they stand under the chuppah. In the Bible the chuppah is also a prayer cloth or something to that effect, which symbolizes being under God or connected to God - something along those lines. The chuppah is used in a marriage ceremony to signify the union of these two people under God and with God.
Once these people were married, in the old times, they were whisked off to their room to consecrate their marriage. During this time people would wait outside until they were done - and once they were, a celebration would ensue, for days on end. Sex was something that came with marriage.
Rob then gets into the passages pertaining to men marring women whom they've slept with. There are two, very controversial passages here, one which states that if a man sleeps with a woman promised to someone else he must marry her and pay the bride price for her. Another states that if a man rapes a virgin he must pay her bride price and marry her as well. This is why I love this book, because he then explains these passages. Maybe not the way every other pastor would but in a way that I could understand, because those were hard for me to read when I came to that part in the Bible.
Anyway, during that period in history women had no value. If a man wanted to rape a woman he could, with no consequences, leaving this woman "dirty" or unfit for marriage as they saw her. She was no longer wanted as a wife because someone had slept with her. And by sleeping with a woman promised to someone else, he could walk away and her husband would obviously no longer want her. So by commanding that these men had to marry these women - to provide for them, to feed them, clothe them, and to house them God was giving them consequences for their actions. We hear people say that God was twisted but really these people were twisted much more so without this law. They were ALLOWED to rape women because women had NO WORTH.
Which isn't even the point of my blog. The point of my blog comes later in the chapter. Where it is stated that sex symbolized marriage to God. When we have sex we have given everything of ourselves. Really I could not summarize this chapter in so few words. The chapter speaks of agape (ahh-gahh-pay). selfless, giving love. of men dying for their wives. of women holding out for the man that will die for them, give for them, agape them.
At some point Rob somehow makes the parallel between premarital sex and us cheating on God. That's right - cheating on God.
They were married under the chuppah to signify the union of two people under and with God - but the marriage was not final until they had sex. As one person under God, with God.
So, that got me thinking of the other night when a guy asked if I was available, and I said "no" he said "Oh you have a boyfriend" and I said "not exactly, I'm just taken" ::funny stare:: and I replied "by Jesus" - worst looks ever, followed by laughter. I felt silly, yes, but I have taken this year challenge so I am technically not available.
After reading this I thought, really - I am taken by Jesus. To give myself to another, without the blessing of God is to cheat on God and the things which he has given me to give to my husband. I know I obviously do not have that to give anymore - but if someone were to cheat on their husband would it be okay to continue doing so just because they've done it before? Easy answer when it's put in that context. No.
So that got me thinking, if I am Gods then shouldn't I live my life as if he were my . . . boyfriend? Which then had me wondering how that played in to my life once I can start dating again. Would I flirt with another man if I were taken? Would I date other men if I were accounted for?
Obviously those are extreme questions. The point is that sex is sacred, meant for a marriage. And dating multiple people is not wrong, its giving yourself dishonestly to multiple people that becomes the real problem. So reserving myself for the person I marry while remaining faithful to God is the real point here. But the point is a big point, a testament few can commit to, including myself.
I'd like to stand, in the eyes of God, and get married with the knowledge that I can be faithful, that I have been faithful - to the one that matters most, to the one who already has laid down his life for me.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Room For One More?
I was talking to a friend last night. As I sat and listened to them talking about their dreams: where they'd live, what they want, how they want it. While they spoke, I wondered if there were room for anyone else in those dreams.
This person was so adamant about their life goals that it seemed as though there could be room for nobody else's dreams or goals. My next thought was "am I like this?" I began tracing back to all the things I tell those around me. About my dreams of vet school and a farm, of a big family, of how I want my wedding [yes this just so happens to be all planned out] and I wondered, do I leave room for anybody else?
This train of thought I was on instantly took me back to a time, I was dating this guy in Colorado, I've blogged of him before. When we broke up he said to me "Heather I just don't think i'm what you're looking for, I don't think I can give you what you want." At the time, of course, I was sure this wasn't true. I was appalled that someone thought I wanted so much - so much that they would be unable to give those things to me. As if I needed someone to give them to me. Then listening to my friend last night, I realized exactly how he felt when he said that to me. With dreams SO BIG and SO PRECISE how can anybody else's dreams come in? Because we all have dreams. They are each our own. The "problem" isn't that we have our own dreams, it's that it takes two to tango. Two people with different ideas, maybe the basics are the same, but when you get down to it - the differences are vast.
When I speak of my desires, do I do so in a way where the other person wonders where they fit in? Although I am sure I do, I hope I learn not to. Because while my dreams are large and pretty exact - I am only dreaming with the knowledge that these dreams can be shaped. The ultimate goal is to find my best friend, to give and to take ideas - to mesh together two sets of hopes. I want someone who will ask me what my ideas are and tell me theirs and we'll figure it out together. Input.
I was reading an article about a couple who bought a property and their designer had them write a list of exactly what they wanted in a house. This couple decided to do so in different places and compare lists. While much of their ideas were the same - some were different. They had to compromise, to get these lists down to one. It ended happily ever after and they got their home and each had things they wanted - and didn't have some as well.
I do not want to get so focused on my goals that I don't leave room for someone else. That I exclude the hopes and dreams of the person God has intended me for. I don't want to be so "stuck in my ways" if you will, that I am unable to waver from such a path of determination. Of selfish abandon; that I must obtain all the desires of my heart without deviating by allowing room for another.
I want my dreams to be "we want," not just "I want."
This person was so adamant about their life goals that it seemed as though there could be room for nobody else's dreams or goals. My next thought was "am I like this?" I began tracing back to all the things I tell those around me. About my dreams of vet school and a farm, of a big family, of how I want my wedding [yes this just so happens to be all planned out] and I wondered, do I leave room for anybody else?
This train of thought I was on instantly took me back to a time, I was dating this guy in Colorado, I've blogged of him before. When we broke up he said to me "Heather I just don't think i'm what you're looking for, I don't think I can give you what you want." At the time, of course, I was sure this wasn't true. I was appalled that someone thought I wanted so much - so much that they would be unable to give those things to me. As if I needed someone to give them to me. Then listening to my friend last night, I realized exactly how he felt when he said that to me. With dreams SO BIG and SO PRECISE how can anybody else's dreams come in? Because we all have dreams. They are each our own. The "problem" isn't that we have our own dreams, it's that it takes two to tango. Two people with different ideas, maybe the basics are the same, but when you get down to it - the differences are vast.
When I speak of my desires, do I do so in a way where the other person wonders where they fit in? Although I am sure I do, I hope I learn not to. Because while my dreams are large and pretty exact - I am only dreaming with the knowledge that these dreams can be shaped. The ultimate goal is to find my best friend, to give and to take ideas - to mesh together two sets of hopes. I want someone who will ask me what my ideas are and tell me theirs and we'll figure it out together. Input.
I was reading an article about a couple who bought a property and their designer had them write a list of exactly what they wanted in a house. This couple decided to do so in different places and compare lists. While much of their ideas were the same - some were different. They had to compromise, to get these lists down to one. It ended happily ever after and they got their home and each had things they wanted - and didn't have some as well.
I do not want to get so focused on my goals that I don't leave room for someone else. That I exclude the hopes and dreams of the person God has intended me for. I don't want to be so "stuck in my ways" if you will, that I am unable to waver from such a path of determination. Of selfish abandon; that I must obtain all the desires of my heart without deviating by allowing room for another.
I want my dreams to be "we want," not just "I want."
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