My original inspiration for this post was simple: my test grades. Plainly stated - I screwed up on both my exams for Biology and Chemistry. I love Chemistry, and I got a C on my first big exam. Fail. Once I got my test back I realized that what I got wrong was what I failed to study - go figure! Biology exam - I wrote a 400 question study guide and spent hours studying. Only to end up with a big.fat.D. :: update - I contested one of my answers and did an extra credit point - now I have a C!! ::
I got that test back today and guess what? I failed to answer 22 points worth of questions! As the professor went over the answers I skipped ahead and answered those questions, when I corrected them I realized I would have had a B+! At this point it's hilarious, I made a dumb mistake and I paid for it. I [hopefully] learned my lessons for the next exams. However, this original inspiration reminded me once again of something I have been learning about myself over the past week. Because originally my test grades were far from comical. In fact I cried, a lot, about not only about getting bad grades but my mortal fear of not making it into Vet school. Which brings me to the biggest point.
I live my life in fear.
More fear than any of those who knows me or I am willing to observe. In some aspects I am glad of this fear. This fear has prevented me from doing drugs, drinking and driving, dating strange men, getting black out drunk, and the list of horribly fateful decisions continues.
However, this fear has also permeated my academics and my love life. In regards to the academics I have never cried nor cared this much about a class. When I failed before, or got a bad grade, I simply gave in. I decided that the class was to blame and that I just would wait to get my good grade in the next class. This has worked so far because I have had mostly fluff social courses - save a few my senior year. However now I'm in science and lets be honest, you cannot B.S your way through molarity and covalent bonds. Now I have something much bigger to lose. I have a passion.
I always prayed for a passion. I envied those around me who knew what they wanted and chased it with absolute abandon. I waited rather impatiently for the day when It would strike me, this passion I so eagerly sought. Then it did. And I realized something - passions are scary. Wanting something so bad is horrifying. Because failure is not an option. Well then, if failure is not an option, what do you do when you fail?
I cried over my tests. I cried not because you cannot recover but because I don't want to lose. It was never really okay with me if I failed in school but I would have rather not let it get to me then invest so much of myself, only to fail. I'm realizing more and more that it's totally worth it - but I must admit, it's scary.
Not only do i choose the apathetic route in school, but also in love.
While reading these books and observing those around me who have found themselves in happy marriages and at a good point in life I came to the conclusion that I also fear love.
Blame my upbringing and the horrible examples of love I had to follow. Blame the media and their lousy portrayal of healthy relationships. Blame a host of other things but what it truly comes down to is yet again, my fear of failing.
A good-friend-of-mine-turned-boyfriend-turned-ex is getting married. It was hard to handle at first - for reasons unbeknownst to me. Because honestly he is not somebody I wanted to marry. He isn't someone I was proud to show off. He isn't somebody that I gave my whole heart to. He isn't even somebody I wanted to love. But he is exactly who she loves, who she's proud to show off, who she gives her whole heart to, the person she wants to marry.
I looked back on our relationship, and the relationships I had with others and I realized my lack of honesty when it came to feelings. Not only that but my lack of commitment and showering of affection. Not that I was unfaithful but more that I gave the attitude that I didn't care where the relationship ended up. Not only that but I failed to give passionately of myself and my time. I never wanted to give more than the other person was giving me.
Some would say this is smart. I disagree. I think that you deserve to get back exactly what you give. Now if you continually give way more than you receive, by all means - get the hell out. However, if you hold back, are dishonest, hide feelings, withhold affection, etc - and then get upset when you aren't rewarded those things, I do not feel sorry for you.
Which is why I do not feel sorry for me. Referencing the previous section, pertaining to academics, once again my decisions not to give of myself and to love and basically all of 1 Chorinthians 13 come down to fear. Why? because I was afraid to fail, afraid to lose.
When you're a child you have no concept of loss, therefore you love. You love wildly anything that strikes your fancy. Then those things are taken from you and you learn quickly not to get too attached. So you stop. You stop loving wholly from within. Because what if it's taken away? The object of your affection. Or worse - what if it doesn't love you back?
I pretended not to care and failed to give the most important pieces out of fear; because once again, although I am learning by example that love is completely worth it, complete vulnerability is utterly terrifying.
So I will take these new found lessons and apply them to the rest of my journey as best I can. Remembering that life is better with passion - in every form. Because it is better to have passionately pursued everything and to lose, knowing you gave it your all, then to gain something you could hardly care to have.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
High as a kite and I ain't ever coming down . . .
I was going to go search out concrete statistics regarding the death rate among people aged 15-21 who died every year from drugs and alcohol. Then I realized something, there is no such thing as "concrete" in statistics and so, instead, i'll tell my own story.
I am 22 years old and I know, personally, and through friends, of 8 people who have died in the past four years from drugs or alcohol. This doesn't even count the people I don't know. Or the people I'm forgetting to count. That's one person every 6 months since I left high school. But lets leave death out of this.
The number of kids I went to high school with who have done nothing with their lives save go to jail, rehab, or gotten a DUI is astronomical. The smartest kids I knew during those four years have found their way to heroin, blow, meth, and I am sure - this new drug Smiles - as well as molly, LCD, Ecstasy, alcohol, Oh and how could I forget, pills pills pills. So many prescription pills doctors hand out to anyone with a good enough excuse to take them, A good enough excuse and damn good acting skills. As well as a plethora of other substances of which I don't know the name. So these once straight A dream filled, wide-eyed teens have grown into dilated-eyed, mind screwed, hopeless people - looking for their next fix or holding on for dear life at the months of sobriety they've found, praying they don't get bored enough to fall back into it.
I know, i'm painting a grim picture here. I know, they're "young" and experiencing new things. I know - most kids come out, unscathed. Look at the people who lived during the 60's and 70's - no really, look at them. I rest my case.
Two teens died in a 24 hour period from this drug "smiles?" Why? Why are some kids so "decision challenged" and others decide to actually do something productive with their time? I am deathly afraid of having children.
My heart aches for what we could be doing. Where we could be in life. It's the people who believe they can change the world who can. I know this sounds naive but is it really? Why is it crazier to want to help change the world than to sit on my ass and do drugs "for fun?" Why is it crazy to believe in love and loyal dogs, and people saving each other and it's not crazy to people at all when another person dies or kills under the influence? When did that become the "normal?" When did that become reality?
Reality is, kids do what's cool. Kids do what's available in their friend groups. Kids are the most easily moldable and pressured people there are - and in their quest to prove us wrong, they do exactly what we all expect. I am praying like hell for the next generation. Pleeeeease be smarter, please care about something bigger and better than the next high - because you're not just "having fun," you're hindering the world from moving forward.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Up Tight
I'm uptight. I always thought I was so laid back, and in a lot of ways I am, but in a lot more ways - i'm not.
Last night I was telling my brother about Carl. The guy I dated when I first got to Colorado. I refused to be Carl's "girlfriend" because he smoked weed once or twice a week and didn't have a home. I know this obviously sounds smart of me - but in all reality my reasons were flawed, for I refused to be CALLED his girlfriend - despite spending four days a week with him going on dates, having long conversations, etc.
Carl was full of life, a life that cannot be explained. When we "broke up" I was mad at him because he didn't want to talk to me while I was crying. Valid point, to this day, I believe - but nevertheless. I called Carl two months later in a fit of drama and asked him what was wrong with me [wow, can I get more vulnerable here?] he replied "Heather, you take life too seriously, who cares if you fall in love right away - who cares if the person you're dating is FOR SURE the one you're going to marry, don't take life so seriously." Two months later, Carl died. The wonderful, magnanimous, life-loving, pot-smoking, couch-hopping, tender person who inspired my love for "Free Bird," left the Earth, leaving a legacy for all who knew him.
I am easily amused with little things, I can laugh for a full five minutes. I don't get mad at other peoples points of view very easily. And overall, I think laughter is the best medicine. However, I carefully over analyze everything I say to a child because it MIGHT be the defining life lesson they get from me. I preach to people about their drinking habits when we're at a bar. I cannot handle the way girls giggle super loud when they drink too much. I think bass in a car is a huge burden on everyone in their cars around you. Loud music is the bane of my existence, to put it melodramatically. The ridiculousness of women needing to do everything with a friend makes me gag. And yes, I question if every man I date is the man I could marry. I do think it is a waste of time to date someone once you realize they're not "the one" and I over analyze every thing that my date says to me - applying it to the future. Not only that but I keep a knife next to my bed "just in case" someone decides to break into my room, and I check in my closet before bed every night - even though someone could definitely not fit in there. I just knocked on wood. Seriously?
There are certain things to take seriously, like school and work, children and marriage. Planning for your future is fine, but not at the expense of enjoying every moment now. People will make bad decisions, and some will consequently so, ruin their own live. Others will make bad decisions and won't ruin their lives. I have met plenty of women who were friends with their husbands long before they ever even had a romantic inclination and they're still madly in love - without having to fall right away. And who really cares anyway? If someone wants to get drunk and sloppy, what business of mine is it? It's not. The way another person chooses to live their lives is not up to my own scrupulosity.
I'm rambling. The point is, I need to let go. Carl died three years ago - and I still remind myself daily of his advice to "not take life too seriously," it's really only life. It's my job to love, it's Jesus's job to save.
Last night I was telling my brother about Carl. The guy I dated when I first got to Colorado. I refused to be Carl's "girlfriend" because he smoked weed once or twice a week and didn't have a home. I know this obviously sounds smart of me - but in all reality my reasons were flawed, for I refused to be CALLED his girlfriend - despite spending four days a week with him going on dates, having long conversations, etc.
Carl was full of life, a life that cannot be explained. When we "broke up" I was mad at him because he didn't want to talk to me while I was crying. Valid point, to this day, I believe - but nevertheless. I called Carl two months later in a fit of drama and asked him what was wrong with me [wow, can I get more vulnerable here?] he replied "Heather, you take life too seriously, who cares if you fall in love right away - who cares if the person you're dating is FOR SURE the one you're going to marry, don't take life so seriously." Two months later, Carl died. The wonderful, magnanimous, life-loving, pot-smoking, couch-hopping, tender person who inspired my love for "Free Bird," left the Earth, leaving a legacy for all who knew him.
I am easily amused with little things, I can laugh for a full five minutes. I don't get mad at other peoples points of view very easily. And overall, I think laughter is the best medicine. However, I carefully over analyze everything I say to a child because it MIGHT be the defining life lesson they get from me. I preach to people about their drinking habits when we're at a bar. I cannot handle the way girls giggle super loud when they drink too much. I think bass in a car is a huge burden on everyone in their cars around you. Loud music is the bane of my existence, to put it melodramatically. The ridiculousness of women needing to do everything with a friend makes me gag. And yes, I question if every man I date is the man I could marry. I do think it is a waste of time to date someone once you realize they're not "the one" and I over analyze every thing that my date says to me - applying it to the future. Not only that but I keep a knife next to my bed "just in case" someone decides to break into my room, and I check in my closet before bed every night - even though someone could definitely not fit in there. I just knocked on wood. Seriously?
There are certain things to take seriously, like school and work, children and marriage. Planning for your future is fine, but not at the expense of enjoying every moment now. People will make bad decisions, and some will consequently so, ruin their own live. Others will make bad decisions and won't ruin their lives. I have met plenty of women who were friends with their husbands long before they ever even had a romantic inclination and they're still madly in love - without having to fall right away. And who really cares anyway? If someone wants to get drunk and sloppy, what business of mine is it? It's not. The way another person chooses to live their lives is not up to my own scrupulosity.
I'm rambling. The point is, I need to let go. Carl died three years ago - and I still remind myself daily of his advice to "not take life too seriously," it's really only life. It's my job to love, it's Jesus's job to save.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Family Matters and Creating Youself
There are more things to say than hours in the day, so I am forced to choose between topics. What I hate about this is that each topic seems genuinely important to me but once the moment has passed, I feel no need to blog it. Thus the reason I chose two topics for my OYC [one year challenge] blog post.
Exhibit A. Family Matters
During this time I've chosen to read several books on relationship building, self acceptance, successful relationship propaganda, and most importantly issues related to finding God in yourself and your partner. One recurring theme seems to be the opinion of those closest to you. There are those who tell you that this isn't important, that love withstands in spite of the opinions of others. I used to agree. I don't anymore. The reason I don't is simple - I have dated men that my family and friends didn't like, and that was okay except that I wanted to share my joy with my friends and with my family and the lack of joy when they were around each other caused friction and pain in the relationship. How wonderful it would be for the two families to become one big giant family. Like my sister and her husband - they hit the jackpot when it comes to in laws and friends - everyone loves each other.
Which brings me to my next point. My fear. [Dear family members who may be reading this, please do not take offence, our family has caused you as much pain as myself and those in our family could only truly understand the following.] I am deathly afraid that the person I love will not love my family the way I do. It's been my experience that those who meet my family are pretty shocked and even judgmental. They hurl insults my way in reference to my family - insults that wound my pride. Truth be told, I don't want someone who "fits in" with my family. Nobody could fit in with my family, really. But above that, there are things about my family that I do not want to repeat in my life, or in the life of my children - how, then, do you find the person that not only gets along with your family, but is not like them?
I feel as if the answer is plain as day. My family is beautiful, though broken in many ways, and most peoples families, even those with seemingly perfect ones, have their flaws. The goal is to find someone who recognizes those flaws and realizes that I may have come from that but have chosen to be nothing like that. Somebody who realizes that we cannot make decisions for our loved ones, someone who accepts and loves me for all that I am made of and all that I have chosen to become.
Which brings me to my next point: creating myself.
One of my favorite quotes has always been, and may always be, "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." I used to live by this. However, driving home tonight I was listening to the song "Stay the Night" by James Blunt and it hit me how much I LOVE music, I actually crave it. Not only that but all of the sudden I love Chemistry. I also love flat canvas shoes and the Earth lol. I sometimes get sick and tired of Country music, and some days I think it would be alright to live in the city after college for a while. Shocking as it may seem, I have even thought maybe 6 kids is too many.
I know I have chosen to be someone who doesn't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I have chosen to love God and to follow Jesus. I have chosen to be the girl who drops everything for her friends. I have also chosen a plethora of other things but during this year of concentrating on myself, and only myself, I feel as though I am discovering myself more than I had anticipated - and not to be conceded, but I like myself. I think before, in the process of trying to only create myself I actually suppressed parts of myself for fears of being different than who I had intended.
It's okay if I don't always want to wear cowboy boots to the country bar. Or listen to country music.
It's okay if my husband only wants 4 kids. Or if I live in the city for a while.
It's okay to have many different sides, because I came from many different places, and all those pieces make me beautiful.
Exhibit A. Family Matters
During this time I've chosen to read several books on relationship building, self acceptance, successful relationship propaganda, and most importantly issues related to finding God in yourself and your partner. One recurring theme seems to be the opinion of those closest to you. There are those who tell you that this isn't important, that love withstands in spite of the opinions of others. I used to agree. I don't anymore. The reason I don't is simple - I have dated men that my family and friends didn't like, and that was okay except that I wanted to share my joy with my friends and with my family and the lack of joy when they were around each other caused friction and pain in the relationship. How wonderful it would be for the two families to become one big giant family. Like my sister and her husband - they hit the jackpot when it comes to in laws and friends - everyone loves each other.
Which brings me to my next point. My fear. [Dear family members who may be reading this, please do not take offence, our family has caused you as much pain as myself and those in our family could only truly understand the following.] I am deathly afraid that the person I love will not love my family the way I do. It's been my experience that those who meet my family are pretty shocked and even judgmental. They hurl insults my way in reference to my family - insults that wound my pride. Truth be told, I don't want someone who "fits in" with my family. Nobody could fit in with my family, really. But above that, there are things about my family that I do not want to repeat in my life, or in the life of my children - how, then, do you find the person that not only gets along with your family, but is not like them?
I feel as if the answer is plain as day. My family is beautiful, though broken in many ways, and most peoples families, even those with seemingly perfect ones, have their flaws. The goal is to find someone who recognizes those flaws and realizes that I may have come from that but have chosen to be nothing like that. Somebody who realizes that we cannot make decisions for our loved ones, someone who accepts and loves me for all that I am made of and all that I have chosen to become.
Which brings me to my next point: creating myself.
One of my favorite quotes has always been, and may always be, "Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." I used to live by this. However, driving home tonight I was listening to the song "Stay the Night" by James Blunt and it hit me how much I LOVE music, I actually crave it. Not only that but all of the sudden I love Chemistry. I also love flat canvas shoes and the Earth lol. I sometimes get sick and tired of Country music, and some days I think it would be alright to live in the city after college for a while. Shocking as it may seem, I have even thought maybe 6 kids is too many.
I know I have chosen to be someone who doesn't drink, or smoke, or do drugs. I have chosen to love God and to follow Jesus. I have chosen to be the girl who drops everything for her friends. I have also chosen a plethora of other things but during this year of concentrating on myself, and only myself, I feel as though I am discovering myself more than I had anticipated - and not to be conceded, but I like myself. I think before, in the process of trying to only create myself I actually suppressed parts of myself for fears of being different than who I had intended.
It's okay if I don't always want to wear cowboy boots to the country bar. Or listen to country music.
It's okay if my husband only wants 4 kids. Or if I live in the city for a while.
It's okay to have many different sides, because I came from many different places, and all those pieces make me beautiful.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
First Chemistry Quiz
Boring title, right? Well that may be - but the truth is, I am distraught over this quiz. Why? Because I got a 60 percent. I know, I know, there are much worse things in life than getting a 60 percent on a quiz. I promise I will get to that later, but for now, I am heartbroken.
I am on my way to vet school - or so I am praying and hoping all of the time. I have never enjoyed the sciences but I know this is where God is taking me. So here I sat, pretty confident in my abilities to do an open book quiz. Yet I get a D - maybe it was the fact that it was timed, maybe I am just a dumbass. Either way, I got a D.
I am mad at myself for getting a D on an open book quiz. I am mad at myself for not taking time to really think it through, and I am mad at myself for getting a bad grade when the next 6 years depends on how I do in these courses. I cannot fail. I will not fail.
Trying to be optimistic because this is one quiz, out of many - and I can do better. I have to do better. I will just have to change my studying techniques and make sure I truly know the material.
I still have a roof over my head, money in my pockets, and a heart that beats wildly and lovingly for this world and all God has blessed me with. So really, a D ain't the end of the world. I will just do better next time.
UPDATE!!! I actually got a B!!! The professor had two answers wrong!! :)
I am on my way to vet school - or so I am praying and hoping all of the time. I have never enjoyed the sciences but I know this is where God is taking me. So here I sat, pretty confident in my abilities to do an open book quiz. Yet I get a D - maybe it was the fact that it was timed, maybe I am just a dumbass. Either way, I got a D.
I am mad at myself for getting a D on an open book quiz. I am mad at myself for not taking time to really think it through, and I am mad at myself for getting a bad grade when the next 6 years depends on how I do in these courses. I cannot fail. I will not fail.
Trying to be optimistic because this is one quiz, out of many - and I can do better. I have to do better. I will just have to change my studying techniques and make sure I truly know the material.
I still have a roof over my head, money in my pockets, and a heart that beats wildly and lovingly for this world and all God has blessed me with. So really, a D ain't the end of the world. I will just do better next time.
UPDATE!!! I actually got a B!!! The professor had two answers wrong!! :)
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