So, as many of you know I have started dating again. I got onto eHarmony about two months back and have gone on dates with a few guys. My results have been pretty good - but nothing earth shattering. I've made a few friends but nothing I felt like pursuing. In fact - although I've had fun, no-one has really stood out in my mind. Until recently.
About three weeks back I started seeing someone and since then we've gone on a few dates. At first, as my friends will tell you, the feeling was pretty mediocre - not shocking to me in the least as this is exactly how I felt on every other date. However, I prayed about it - because I felt compelled to continue going on dates despite feeling the way I had felt about everyone else. Except this time something different happened - each time I went on a date with him I had different reservations and each date squashed the exact reservation I was having. As a result, I got excited. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that I hate being excited about a prospective man in my life. Why, you ask? Because it makes me vulnerable.
After sharing my fear of vulnerability with a few friends I came to realize a lot of people have this fear. So why this fear of vulnerability? What is it about being "susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm" [Google definition of vulnerable] do we not like? Well - it's a fear of being at a disadvantage. Now, I haven't done extensive research nor am I a scientist or a biologist but both would teach us that as human beings we have an innate desire to survive. I would argue that we not only want to survive but we want to enjoy our survival. When we think of this in terms of life and death it becomes much more obvious why we would avoid certain circumstances - but when we talk in terms of emotional well being, things get a little fuzzy.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
