Some call it selfishness, other's call it freedom, while still others refer to it as being young. I say it's a combination of the three. Through the countless dates with the various men I've dated over the past 6 months I've come to realize one thing - I don't want to date. Peppered among the conversations about childhoods and future goals were daydreams of various places - places void of anyone substantial but God and a few good friends. The very reason I had decided to date at all both perplexed me and gnawed at my conscience. What was I searching for? Did I feel as though it was the time for such new beginnings? Did I have the attention to give someone? Was my heart yearning for something I could not pinpoint? Or was it simply that I listened to the women around me thirst for another mate - and in turn decided I, too, should be on the lookout. As with everything though - reality knocks and welcomes itself in - welcomed or not.
Last night while driving to a date the only thing running through my mind was the fact that I was missing out on training for a 5K and that yoga was going to start at the same time as my date. These thoughts followed by the list of projects around my house I wanted to get done. Consequently ending with the realization that I didn't even feel like going on this date. Thankfully [depending on your perspective] the date was simply a friendly chat void of any romantic connection or desire for more time spent together - I'm fairly certain this was a mutual conclusion. Then it hit me - I like being single.
As I spoke with my friend on the phone I made the realization that I just didn't feel like committing the time or effort to another human being in order to cultivate a lasting relationship. My exact words, I believe, were "I don't feel like consulting anyone about any of the things I want to do." Some people assert that you don't need to consult anyone - that somehow this is controlling - I disagree. At this stage in life people are interested in serious. They want stable - grounded. Someone set in a particular way, to an extent. A person in which they can rely. And I can tell you with absolute certainty - I am not that person. I've never been the grounded type. While I may be down to earth - I intend to roam that earth. If someone comes along - fine. If not - equally as fine. I fear missing out on life, on adventures, on experiencing the newness of everything more than I fear being single. In fact - I don't fear being single at all. So why focus my attention on not being single?
Naturally, I made this an announcement on Facebook and got the obvious response. Other women who were equally content being single and one comment [with a few likes] that I wasn't even 25, how could I be done dating? Simple - I'm not even 25 - why do I need to be dating? Crammed around an already busy work schedule is the time I spend volunteering in Team Rubicon [a disaster relief organization], training for a 5k, pursuing my growing friendships, growing in my relationship with God, making plans for travel to various different places, focusing on becoming financially stable, loving on my niece and my new nephew, and seeking God's guidance in my professional life [well, in all of life, really]. How does that say "You have ample time to offer a boyfriend!"? I would argue nowhere. Additionally, I would argue, I am completely content in the busyness and the gloriousness of being less-than-25 [even if it is only 9 more days until my birthday].
In church they say that in order to make time for something you have to cut something else out - we can not continue doing everything we've always done and think we can just "fit something else" in. I mean - we can - but when you try to do too many things, you do them all half ass. So, while many say it's selfish not to want to put the work in, I say it's not. How unfair, to ask someone to share. To sit back and wait. To sit on the sidelines. Not right now - not while I am busy pursuing life. I'd rather give someone my all than a part of me - and right now all of me is consumed. Consumed in the beauty of life. Consumed in the beauty of wandering.
You don't need to be anywhere - at any point actually. Your pace and where you put your energy is entirely up to you. If where you are is where God has taken you - don't let the rest of the world tell you it's wrong. Ultimately, you decide what consumes you.
Right now, I'm consumed - and it's perfectly acceptable.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Who Are You?
Do you ever look back on your life and laugh at who you once were? I stumbled upon a few of those Facebook notes people used to write back in the day [2009] and the things I wrote, coupled with posts from Time Hop, has made it abundantly clear - I am not who I was.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
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