Some call it selfishness, other's call it freedom, while still others refer to it as being young. I say it's a combination of the three. Through the countless dates with the various men I've dated over the past 6 months I've come to realize one thing - I don't want to date. Peppered among the conversations about childhoods and future goals were daydreams of various places - places void of anyone substantial but God and a few good friends. The very reason I had decided to date at all both perplexed me and gnawed at my conscience. What was I searching for? Did I feel as though it was the time for such new beginnings? Did I have the attention to give someone? Was my heart yearning for something I could not pinpoint? Or was it simply that I listened to the women around me thirst for another mate - and in turn decided I, too, should be on the lookout. As with everything though - reality knocks and welcomes itself in - welcomed or not.
Last night while driving to a date the only thing running through my mind was the fact that I was missing out on training for a 5K and that yoga was going to start at the same time as my date. These thoughts followed by the list of projects around my house I wanted to get done. Consequently ending with the realization that I didn't even feel like going on this date. Thankfully [depending on your perspective] the date was simply a friendly chat void of any romantic connection or desire for more time spent together - I'm fairly certain this was a mutual conclusion. Then it hit me - I like being single.
As I spoke with my friend on the phone I made the realization that I just didn't feel like committing the time or effort to another human being in order to cultivate a lasting relationship. My exact words, I believe, were "I don't feel like consulting anyone about any of the things I want to do." Some people assert that you don't need to consult anyone - that somehow this is controlling - I disagree. At this stage in life people are interested in serious. They want stable - grounded. Someone set in a particular way, to an extent. A person in which they can rely. And I can tell you with absolute certainty - I am not that person. I've never been the grounded type. While I may be down to earth - I intend to roam that earth. If someone comes along - fine. If not - equally as fine. I fear missing out on life, on adventures, on experiencing the newness of everything more than I fear being single. In fact - I don't fear being single at all. So why focus my attention on not being single?
Naturally, I made this an announcement on Facebook and got the obvious response. Other women who were equally content being single and one comment [with a few likes] that I wasn't even 25, how could I be done dating? Simple - I'm not even 25 - why do I need to be dating? Crammed around an already busy work schedule is the time I spend volunteering in Team Rubicon [a disaster relief organization], training for a 5k, pursuing my growing friendships, growing in my relationship with God, making plans for travel to various different places, focusing on becoming financially stable, loving on my niece and my new nephew, and seeking God's guidance in my professional life [well, in all of life, really]. How does that say "You have ample time to offer a boyfriend!"? I would argue nowhere. Additionally, I would argue, I am completely content in the busyness and the gloriousness of being less-than-25 [even if it is only 9 more days until my birthday].
In church they say that in order to make time for something you have to cut something else out - we can not continue doing everything we've always done and think we can just "fit something else" in. I mean - we can - but when you try to do too many things, you do them all half ass. So, while many say it's selfish not to want to put the work in, I say it's not. How unfair, to ask someone to share. To sit back and wait. To sit on the sidelines. Not right now - not while I am busy pursuing life. I'd rather give someone my all than a part of me - and right now all of me is consumed. Consumed in the beauty of life. Consumed in the beauty of wandering.
You don't need to be anywhere - at any point actually. Your pace and where you put your energy is entirely up to you. If where you are is where God has taken you - don't let the rest of the world tell you it's wrong. Ultimately, you decide what consumes you.
Right now, I'm consumed - and it's perfectly acceptable.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Who Are You?
Do you ever look back on your life and laugh at who you once were? I stumbled upon a few of those Facebook notes people used to write back in the day [2009] and the things I wrote, coupled with posts from Time Hop, has made it abundantly clear - I am not who I was.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Our fear of being vulnerable
So, as many of you know I have started dating again. I got onto eHarmony about two months back and have gone on dates with a few guys. My results have been pretty good - but nothing earth shattering. I've made a few friends but nothing I felt like pursuing. In fact - although I've had fun, no-one has really stood out in my mind. Until recently.
About three weeks back I started seeing someone and since then we've gone on a few dates. At first, as my friends will tell you, the feeling was pretty mediocre - not shocking to me in the least as this is exactly how I felt on every other date. However, I prayed about it - because I felt compelled to continue going on dates despite feeling the way I had felt about everyone else. Except this time something different happened - each time I went on a date with him I had different reservations and each date squashed the exact reservation I was having. As a result, I got excited. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that I hate being excited about a prospective man in my life. Why, you ask? Because it makes me vulnerable.
After sharing my fear of vulnerability with a few friends I came to realize a lot of people have this fear. So why this fear of vulnerability? What is it about being "susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm" [Google definition of vulnerable] do we not like? Well - it's a fear of being at a disadvantage. Now, I haven't done extensive research nor am I a scientist or a biologist but both would teach us that as human beings we have an innate desire to survive. I would argue that we not only want to survive but we want to enjoy our survival. When we think of this in terms of life and death it becomes much more obvious why we would avoid certain circumstances - but when we talk in terms of emotional well being, things get a little fuzzy.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
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