Who Are You?

Do you ever look back on your life and laugh at who you once were? I stumbled upon a few of those Facebook notes people used to write back in the day [2009] and the things I wrote, coupled with posts from Time Hop, has made it abundantly clear - I am not who I was. 

In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are? 

Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite. 

Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance. 

The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them. 

While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.

Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.

That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there. 

Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.