Free Will or Robots?

So I've been trying out a new church, and by trying out I mean I've gone the past two weeks. So in all reality I've just barely scratched the surface. Its a great church with a lot of young people, my age, all in search of a deeper relationship with God. So why am I not connecting? I feel isolated there, and walk out of there not feeling spiritually satiated. I'm always wanting more of . . . something.

Today one comment in particular stuck out to me. It pertains to the question of whether God knows or does not know the future. To some people this question is obvious, to others there is a gray area. This particular pastor taught that God not only knows the different outcomes of our decisions, but that he also knows in advance what we will choose. He argued that other churches teach that God knows the outcomes of our choices but not what choice we will make. 

I had never thought of free will from that point of view. It had always come so naturally that God knows all. Until one day a friend of mine asked me - "Heather, if God is in control of all things, why does he let people kill people?" - to which of course I replied that we have free will and he doesn't prevent us or force us to do things. And she brought up the point, what if two people are praying for God to save them, and one of them gets killed and the other doesn't. The one person thanks God, and can you really thank God if he didn't really have anything to do with it?

All of these, are of course, valid questions. Some of the answers I have received go along the lines of that the holy spirit is what lays something on our heart, and we decide whether or not to listen. Also, that you cannot receive the Holy Spirit unless you have accepted Jesus into your heart - which is also debatable. To that I've heard the response that if the Holy Spirit wasn't in us all then people who hadn't come to the Lord would never be compelled to come to the Lord. 

My response to her was this; that the Lord does not step in and stop the man from killing the two people, because if one of them is praying to God, chances are they have asked forgiveness and if they are to die, God knows they will join him in heaven, and no longer feel nor remember that pain. I was taught, also, that God is a testing God - so if the person isn't killed, God will allow us pain to overcome it and to come out on the other side stronger and closer to God than before. 

Back to the main point, does God know how we will choose before hand? Or does He just know what the various outcomes of our choices COULD be? It seems to me that if he knew in advance, then why would he allow certain things to happen? If it's all planned out then why ask for forgiveness? God already knows the day you are born whether or not you're going to Heaven. Which, in my opinion, means that all sin is pointless. How can God become disappointed in you and then happy with you when he knew before you were conceived the ways in which you would disappoint him? 

Not only that but there is a song, titled Well Done, which talks about meeting Jesus at the end of your life and hearing "Well Done" - the whole song talks about becoming a better person because you want Jesus to say well done at the end. If Jesus already knows where our lives are going, would he not just know from before day one whether or not a well done will be handed out? What would be his reasons to compel us to become better people if he knew before hand how it would all happen?

It states in the Bible that God is present everywhere, that he knows all and see's all. However I wonder if he doesn't just know what could happen and waits to see what we will do - thus free will. 

Next week they're doing a sermon on why our choices still matter. Since I said I'd give it three weeks, I'll go - and see if any of my questions are answered. If you have any good insight on the topic, please, comment or message me on Facebook!

Why aren't their arms reaching?

So since I have pursued deepening my relationship with the Lord I have also begun craving more Christ centered friendships. I have even gone so far as to message those whom I perceive to have good relationships with God and can help me through the questions I have. And when I say crave, I mean yearn uncontrollably for closer relationships with people who are more mature Christians than myself. The response? Nothing. 

Which leaves me wondering, am I not the kind of person these people want to be friends with? Is there something about me which they perceive to be toxic to their own walk in faith? When I have questions, do they feel that I am inadequate or is it that they themselves feel inadequate to answer those questions? All my life I have been different than most of my friends - which has served me well - it's always been okay that I didn't have people to relate to. It was okay that they couldn't understand losing siblings or parents, that they couldn't understand alcoholism and drug addictions. It was okay when they thought me funny for not wanting to partake in drugs or alcohol. But now, when I am reaching out the most to those who have the kind of relationships with those around them that I would like, I feel isolated. Now I want more than anything to relate. To fit in to "that" crowd. 

Tonight I watched a sermon on how Jesus commands us not to worry, and how he loves us more than he does the birds [Matthew 6:24-27] and that we should trust him to provide for us. Andy Stanley made the statement that what Jesus means is that at the end of the day, if we have done all that we can do, we should take a deep breath and trust him to provide for us how he will. And he will. 

My life is amazing, and even at the worst moments God has shone through with yet another blessing, another life lesson. One of those things I realized tonight is that while the arms of those around me may not be reaching - mine may not be either. For instance, although I messaged those people to hang out, maybe I wasn't assertive enough. I didn't ask for their numbers and pursue making plans. If I am going to ask God for the type of people that i'd like to have in my life - I need to actively pursue those friendships. I need to go to the twenty somethings group I've been looking into for the past month - I need to try harder. 

And then I need to relax. Because I will know, I have done all I can do. 

Have you done all you can? Do you reach out to those who are visibly seeking your friendship in their lives? If not, why? If we are the body of Christ - our hands should be reaching out to those around us. We should be welcoming people into our hearts and into our lives. 

I hate feeling as though I do not have someone to welcome me into their walk with Jesus, to help me understand things that a person not raised with God can't possibly know. I can only imagine how many people walked away from their pursuit of Jesus because nobody loved them back. 

Resisting Temptation: What to tell my children.

So, ever since I was fifteen I have made decisions based on the children I didn't have. This sounds crazy to a lot of people that know this about me but today I feel a little vindicated. Why? Because I watched another Andy Stanley sermon. For those of you not caught up, Andy Stanley's sermons are the inspiration behind my year long challenge. 

When I decided to become celibate I did so as a promise to God. When I took this challenge I decided to even abstain from kissing and other signs of overt sexual affection. Not because I believe kissing to be wrong - but because kissing leads to more; its a temptation. Now although I have kept my promise to abstain from sex - I did transgress further than I had intended. See the other two blogs on that subject. 

The point is, when I spoke with Anthony about why I was so upset [which he understood], one of the things I mentioned was what I was going to tell my children someday. Thank God he is working on becoming a good Christian as well and completely heard me out and even gave me feed back. I told him that I want to be a proud mama, I don't want to be the parent that tells her kids to do and not to do A, B, and C even though I did A, B, and C. That being said I also think that it's important to let your kids know that you will fail sometimes, you will be tempted, you might give in. 

Because God made us human, not Angels, as outlined in Sex God [a book]. 

I used to believe that because I only slept with people I was in a committed relationship with that I wasn't giving into temptations, that I was still being a good woman. However obviously that is a temptation  and this isn't what I want to teach my children; that just because it's not a one night stand, God approves. Just because we are tempted doesn't mean that we give in to those temptations; and that is the crux of what I want them to know. That when we make a decision not to partake in something, we stick by those decisions and what's at stake is much more than that moment, than that small temptation. 

And while I felt dramatic at the moment telling Anthony these things, I felt relieved when, while watching Andy Stanley, he made the statement that when we give into temptations our futures, others futures, and our faith are all at stake. 

Although this sounds dramatic, it rings true. Because in that moment I went beyond my boundaries, I immediately imagined myself telling my children what I believe to be right, and then what my response would be when they asked "Mommy, did you wait?" I already cannot say no but I hope I can tell them a story of growth, of prosperity in my faith. A story of redemption.

When we give in to temptation, even small ones, we are saying that we do not trust God to take care of us. Where would we be had Jesus not resisted the temptation of the Devil while he was in the desert? 

Nobody is perfect, and I don't want to raise self righteous children who judge another's testimony, but I want them to have a good example. I want to be that good example. 


Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1 A
Andy Stanley: Temptation Part 1B

Society over Jesus

So I feel as though some people may have gotten the wrong impression in my last blog post. While I talked highly of my experience in California and of my experience with someone who knows how to treat a woman - and that I even said I was okay with justification of my actions, I did not mean that I am not still working at bettering myself as a person. I also didn't intend to give the impression that I didn't think I would have learned all those valuable lessons had I followed through with my original goal. That being said I realized something extremely important and troubling; I am putting the opinions of those around me ahead of the opinion of Jesus - the only one whose opinion truly matters. 

I have taken this year to better my relationship with God and myself and in doing so I believe I am learning a lot, and one of those things is how much I value the thoughts and ideas of those around me. In my previous blog I expressed how happy I was at all I learned and how far I had come in knowing what I deserve from just a few short months ago. I was overjoyed with the response I received from friends and family when they found out that I had broken my promise to myself. What I lost sight of is the fact that I broke my promise to God. I got caught up in things of this world, and I lost sight of where I had intended to be.

It's almost embarrassing being so candid in my ups and downs - but I want to be honest. Because while some Christians exude this easy walk with Jesus, it has made it difficult for myself and others to see how failure was ever forgiven. I pray that i'm finding the right words to express myself - because I think it's important to know that everyone falls short of the glory of God. 

I want to be relate-able. I want others to know that the goal is not perfection but merely striving to be a better person in the eyes of God. It would be a shame for me to express the ways in which I succeed and not mention the ways in which I fall short - because that doesn't bring people closer to God, it pushes them into a place where they find Christians to be righteous hypocrites, condemning those around them whenever they trip or fall. 

So, as stated previously, I held back a lot more than some people would while I was in California, but I gave in more than I had intended. And while I learned valuable lessons while I was there - most of those lessons could have been learned without crossing into the non-platonic. They could have been learned even if I had kept my promise to God. So while I fall short yet again, I have come closer to an understanding of where I need to be, and how far I have come. 

In the end I want to be immersed in God's love - and have my cup overflowing with what he intends for me and my life. I want to put his opinion of me above all others - and even when those around me tell me i'm doing a good job - it is more important to know that God feels I am doing a good job. 

Playing With Fire

So I wasn't going to write about this, because it's a little more personal than I choose to divulge. But I decided that since I made the choice to chronical my one year challenge that I need to share everything - not just the good, but the bad, and the necessary. The truth is, this is difficult, more difficult than I had anticipated when I took this journey. As my dad put it, I have done the take away on myself. Before I took this step I was completely content being alone - as I have stated many times before - but since then I have become a little bit TOO interested in human relationships and their place in my life. 

As many of you know I attended the Marine Corps Ball with my friend Anthony this past weekend. He asked me to attend the ball long before I took the challenge and while I considered changing my mind I decided to stick by my word. I had an absolute blast but I didn't hold back as much as I had intended - to clarify, I held back much more than some would. 

That being said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Anthony is a complete gentleman. He offered to sleep in separate rooms, he refrained from holding my hand unless I held his. He never made a move, and he was determined to treat me the way a man should treat a woman. Which may have been my downfall quite honestly. Back to the point. 

I deviated from my original goal and I was upset with myself for doing so - however, I learned some very valuable lessons. Over the past three months whenever I have spoken with Anthony leading up to and during this weekend I have questioned whether or not it was a good idea to speak with him - or if I was crossing my own boundaries of the task at hand. During this trip I realized how much I have learned and am applying to my friendships not only with Anthony but with many other people in my life. 

There is a threshold in which two people have a hard time coming back from once it is crossed. I am being vulnerable here, yes, but I think it should be mentioned. I once thought that people should be able to come back from that threshold once crossed but I now understand that it should never be crossed. To come back is harder than if you never venture there. I have long questioned how people wait until marriage to give themselves away, and other than the fact that they cannot miss what they don't know, I've concluded that many of them never allow it to get that far. They understand their boundaries and they stick to them. 

So while I didn't hold back as much as I wanted - I am not really too upset with myself. Because I learned something extremely valuable about myself and my tendencies to not only blame the man for discrepancies, but in my past I have failed to search out people who have good hearts. 

I paid attention to things I would usually never pay attention to on this trip, and I learned a few things. I learned what it is to be treated like a princess. To feel respected and admired. To be thought of and put first. I learned what it is to hold hands and to laugh without motives. I learned how to pray with somebody in a room full of people. I learned what it felt like to be looked at like you were the only one in the room. I learned where my boundaries lie and what it's like to have someone who doesn't cross those boundaries, without your permission. I learned that there are people who listen whole heartedly to what you have to say. There are people who appreciate you for exactly who you are. That when you are treated that way, you want to treat the other person the same. I got a first hand example of the type of man I have been reading about for the past three months. 

So although I have long questioned whether it was a good idea to talk to Anthony as much as I do, and whether it is a good idea to "practice" various concepts on him; this weekend, I got my answer. 

Some may call this justification, and it just might be. Thats okay with me.