You can't remember the moment it happened, nor the moments before.
The hours and even the days after have long since been hidden in time, far from memory.
Yet, it's all in your head.
Anger and frustration have crept into the crevices once reserved for contemplation
Moments of manic giddiness have found it hard to get connected
Instead fatigue has decided to set up shop
And you wonder whether it's the medical bills which have begun stacking on your desk
Or the second job you've gotten just to pay them
That has made your once endless energy plummet
You go from the girl who got through the day with 6 hours of sleep
So hyper energetic, people were thrust into instant sleepiness just looking at you
To the girl practically half asleep after her third cup of coffee and 8 hours of sleep
And it ain't even noon
People point out the obvious character changes
Their glances remind you that you've said something abnormal
As if you don't know
An explanation of the situation always yeilds the same response
You're just over thinking it
And you believe them
You begin to feel frustrated and then angry
Not with the situation, but rather with yourself
Because perhaps if you weren't blaming your injury
You'd be fine
Perhaps if you pretended it never happened
It would be as if it never did
Moments of utter emotion, those of which you cannot explain
Days when you know the anger toiling in your soul is not vindicated
Attempts to stifle those feelings, to no avail
You think back to the moments you scoffed in the face of another
Listening to them bicker and blame their unseen illness
And you realize, what is not seen is often felt much deeper than imagined
Much deeper than their head
You think that if you never say it out loud
That it isn't real
Saying it means facing it
And facing it means succumbing to it
They remind you of how lucky you are
As if you don't know
As if you don't understand and thank God every day
Maybe it's only to stifle the emotion they're sick of hearing
The same one you're sick of feeling
You wonder if you even have a right to feel anything
It's writing a "b" that doesn't look like a b
Sitting there helplessly
As someone tells you that it is in fact a b
but it never takes shape in your mind
Denying that it could be anything other than silly confusion
Even in the face of your doctors
Who tell you to take it easy, it's an injury
But you don't believe them
Because it's all in your head
You learn to love the new parts of yourself
To work on the parts you could do without
To internalize feelings that no one wants to hear
And you laugh
You laugh at the irony
When people tell you it's all in your head
These moments severed in time
Removed from your memory
