Some call it selfishness, other's call it freedom, while still others refer to it as being young. I say it's a combination of the three. Through the countless dates with the various men I've dated over the past 6 months I've come to realize one thing - I don't want to date. Peppered among the conversations about childhoods and future goals were daydreams of various places - places void of anyone substantial but God and a few good friends. The very reason I had decided to date at all both perplexed me and gnawed at my conscience. What was I searching for? Did I feel as though it was the time for such new beginnings? Did I have the attention to give someone? Was my heart yearning for something I could not pinpoint? Or was it simply that I listened to the women around me thirst for another mate - and in turn decided I, too, should be on the lookout. As with everything though - reality knocks and welcomes itself in - welcomed or not.
Last night while driving to a date the only thing running through my mind was the fact that I was missing out on training for a 5K and that yoga was going to start at the same time as my date. These thoughts followed by the list of projects around my house I wanted to get done. Consequently ending with the realization that I didn't even feel like going on this date. Thankfully [depending on your perspective] the date was simply a friendly chat void of any romantic connection or desire for more time spent together - I'm fairly certain this was a mutual conclusion. Then it hit me - I like being single.
As I spoke with my friend on the phone I made the realization that I just didn't feel like committing the time or effort to another human being in order to cultivate a lasting relationship. My exact words, I believe, were "I don't feel like consulting anyone about any of the things I want to do." Some people assert that you don't need to consult anyone - that somehow this is controlling - I disagree. At this stage in life people are interested in serious. They want stable - grounded. Someone set in a particular way, to an extent. A person in which they can rely. And I can tell you with absolute certainty - I am not that person. I've never been the grounded type. While I may be down to earth - I intend to roam that earth. If someone comes along - fine. If not - equally as fine. I fear missing out on life, on adventures, on experiencing the newness of everything more than I fear being single. In fact - I don't fear being single at all. So why focus my attention on not being single?
Naturally, I made this an announcement on Facebook and got the obvious response. Other women who were equally content being single and one comment [with a few likes] that I wasn't even 25, how could I be done dating? Simple - I'm not even 25 - why do I need to be dating? Crammed around an already busy work schedule is the time I spend volunteering in Team Rubicon [a disaster relief organization], training for a 5k, pursuing my growing friendships, growing in my relationship with God, making plans for travel to various different places, focusing on becoming financially stable, loving on my niece and my new nephew, and seeking God's guidance in my professional life [well, in all of life, really]. How does that say "You have ample time to offer a boyfriend!"? I would argue nowhere. Additionally, I would argue, I am completely content in the busyness and the gloriousness of being less-than-25 [even if it is only 9 more days until my birthday].
In church they say that in order to make time for something you have to cut something else out - we can not continue doing everything we've always done and think we can just "fit something else" in. I mean - we can - but when you try to do too many things, you do them all half ass. So, while many say it's selfish not to want to put the work in, I say it's not. How unfair, to ask someone to share. To sit back and wait. To sit on the sidelines. Not right now - not while I am busy pursuing life. I'd rather give someone my all than a part of me - and right now all of me is consumed. Consumed in the beauty of life. Consumed in the beauty of wandering.
You don't need to be anywhere - at any point actually. Your pace and where you put your energy is entirely up to you. If where you are is where God has taken you - don't let the rest of the world tell you it's wrong. Ultimately, you decide what consumes you.
Right now, I'm consumed - and it's perfectly acceptable.
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