Ask me a year ago and I would have told you that love is not butterflies. That butterflies fly away, and when they're gone it is what is left that love is made of. I figured I should just skip the butterflies and get to the real deal - the hard part.
I remember having butterflies - with my first love. When I see him it's obvious those butterflies have since flown far away. But for a time we loved like people talk about. I was hopelessly and passionately head over heels for this high school teen. Sometimes I would cry just staring at him and I seriously thought it would never end.
It did end. and maybe that's where my journey of loveless relationships began. I have never considered this until now - never thought deeply into it until this year long challenge. Now is the time though, because through out this year I am supposed to move on from childhood pain and resentments - even when I forget they're there.
Maybe when my simple teenage love came to an end I was so heartbroken I made a subconscious decision to skip the fun part. To skip the "I love you's till forever and always" - believing that if I got to the comfortable boring part then my heart would never really break. So far, it's worked. It hurts when my relationships end but nothing heart wrenching and stomach twisting. Nothing sickening - I cry if only for those whose hearts I have broken. Even when I thought I loved them.
Then there are the couple that I have loved - the butterflies and the anguish - but I never told. I never told two people how much they mattered, because I was not as important to them as they were to me. I'm not saying this in some dramatic girly way - i'm saying this because they both told me that exact sentence.
While one of these men was a great catch - treated me like a princess - the other was a bad boy, the type to love and leave quicker than that four letter word could by uttered. None the less - they gave me butterflies and a yearning to take on the world with them.
It was over a year ago that a friend of mine posted a quote - the one pictured here - and I laughed. Thinking, "Good luck girl" love IS mediocre - after all is said and done. But I found myself today, reading it and thinking - that's how it should be, that's what I want.
Basically I am learning, slowly, that I want butterflies and the uncontrollable need to be with someone - even if the butterflies fly away - they will return someday. Or so I am told, by those with the marriages I envy most. I want my best-friend and extraordinary partner, to take on the world. Love is only mediocre when you let it be - when you give in to mediocrity.
Church today was about What God has called us each to do. It was about the passion that is stirred in our heart each day by God - the things he lays on our hearts and where he expects us to take that passion. Pastor John made the statement that if we are doing something in life for ourselves then we are acting out of lust, not passion. Our passions should be something that benefits those around us.
This of course got me wondering what it is that I do for those around me. What i'm passionate about. I know that God is calling me to go to Vet school, and while I do not know why - I know that's where he's leading me. However, I cannot say I feel passionate - as if I were born to do this. That being said, I love animals and the relationships we have with them as well as the roles they conduct in our lives.
I also considered that making people smile or happy was my passion. I get ridiculously giddy when I can make someones day or get them to laugh. My drug is hearing someone call me with a problem and telling me thank you because I have in some way helped - even if a little. I don't know if that's what God is searching for - because you can't make a living making peoples days - however, you can make a life :)
John ended service by having us hold our hands over our hearts and feel them beat. He then states that one day this heart would stop beating and what would we do with that heart while we were alive. This moment in the a.m led me to the moments leading up to the p.m - Lauren's memorial service.
I wore my big pink tutu and walked into the funeral alone. I sat stood there as her grandmother and aunt told me how wonderful my tutu was and that Lauren would have loved it! As I sat in the seats staring at the slideshow I remembered Pastor John talking about how one day our hearts will stop beating, and what did we do that that time here - how did we shine a light for others? Lauren shone a light for so many with her sobriety and love for God - it was apparent by the hundreds present that Lauren made peoples lives special.
Being confronted with death makes you wonder how people would talk about you after you were gone, what they would say and how they would feel. Would our passions be apparent? Were we living for God and letting people see the beautiful side of that relationship? Essentially - how was the dash between the dates? These things have been on my mind all day - i'm not sure what my passions are or what people would say when I am gone - all I can do is pray.
It was beautiful watching Lauren's lantern float away, lighting up the sky - just as Lauren has done in life and will do in death.
So, more thoughts on this whole one year challenge bit. If the one year challenge and/or my journey to Vet school is of no interest to you - I should warn you now - that those are going to be the topics of this blog from here on out :) you have been warned.
Now, back to the subject matter. I was thinking today, after a series of run ins with a couple men whom I found myself attracted to, about the importance of common goals. Strange, I know. Most people tell me that this is extremely important but I wonder how important it truly is in comparison to the love you share.
For example, if I were to meet the man of my dreams - feelings wise, chemistry is great, friendship great, trust, honesty, a love for God. Its all there - however, we have fairly different goals which include but are not limited to job, lifestyle, number of children, place [farm vs. city], etc. - how much does that matter?
It seems to me that there are plenty of unhappy people who married because all of their goals matched up but none of the foundation was there. Equally it seems as though many people married for the feelings and ended up unhappy at the realization that neither had the same goals. And with that there are people who find each other, fall madly in love and somehow incorporate the dreams of one another into their lives.
I feel as though I just got a bingo. Maybe this blog is really only for me - to type out my thoughts and have random epiphanys. Thank you Lord. I think the point is that by the end of this year I should have worked not only on patience, kindness, boasting, but - as stated in the sermons - not looking to self serve. Love is not self serving. Part of being in a happy marriage is being able to blend goals and dreams. In order to do that though everything else has to be there - patience, trust, consideration, and the rest of 1 Corinthians 13.
I'm working on this.boom.
So I am done. I have been done for a good two weeks at this point. I am done with my road trip. I have been so busy with Sarah's wedding and other such shenanigans that I haven't had the time to blog about all that I have seen and loved and finished. So here is goes.
This summer has gone by so quickly that I hardly remember the time. I swear it's as if I blinked and obtained three months worth of memories and no days, weeks, or months to account for in between, however we know this is not true and I have in fact been gone for three months.
A few of my firsts this summer: I took a mail boat around Lake Geneva. Saw Amish people till their land in Pennsylvania. I walked the skyline in New York, went to the MET, Attended the street fair in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I meandered my way through Boston while on the Freedom Tour, fished in the ocean in Cape Cod, went qouhogging, descaled a fish. I took the train from Maryland to D.C twice, I went on a boat ride in D.C, saw Jackie O's grave. I stayed in our very first state, Delaware. I went cliff jumping, water skiing, kayaking, and fly fishing with the Venture Crew in Tennessee, all of which I had always wanted to do. I even got tricked into Snipe hunting ;) I stood on the porch of the house Elvis was born in, ate purple hull peas [yum], and painted my very first cabinets. Danced in Nashville.
Saw the Country Music Hall of Fame. Ate 10 smore's in one day. I walked Bourbon St. I took a swamp tour and held a baby alligator. Saw Louisiana. Porch honky. I went into a batting cage and hit 7 balls! Went swimming in a waterfall in the USA - in Oklahoma. Went horseback riding to the point of near death.
Saw the countries largest prairie dog - at a prairie dog museum. I learned that Wyoming, although bigger than Minnesota, has only 200,000 more people than Minneapolis! I saw Mount Rushmore. I drove for over 5,000 miles by myself and stayed in 13 wonderful states.
I wish I could put into tangible words how much I took from this trip and how much I learned about the people I love. I don't know if I've gone through any profound personal change but I feel different than the girl I was when I left on this journey. I feel more at ease with myself, more ready for life, and maybe - just maybe - a little less restless, we'll see how long that lasts. Oh yes, and I confirmed that I LOVE Minnesota.
I am so grateful for the people who welcomed me into their homes and hearts. Those people whom I had hours of talks with and learned so much about where they've been and what they've seen. I was treated so nicely by everyone I encountered. People were friendly and welcoming - they wanted to know me and to show me their world. For that I am ever thankful. I did in three months what most people take years to do, if they do it at all - and i'll tell you, it has been an overwhelming fast paced ride. But one I would recommend to anyone. Turns out quitting your jobs isn't such a risk after all, I found a job within two days of coming home!
So, If you have the opportunity to fly down the free way, freedom style. To let the wind in your sails to nowhere. If you get the chance to take off and learn to love life and this beautiful country we live in - I suggest taking it. Take that chance and run, bike, fly, drive with it. because you only live once.
So in approximately 4 days I will be one month into my year off of dating and anything male related. I finally got around to watching the fourth and final video in the sex, love, and dating series by Andy Stanley and learned what I am supposed to do during this year. First and foremost - get over any childhood issues.
Really? Now I believe that I am pretty close to being over my childhood issues but in all honesty each time I start a new relationship they come up, blaring me in the face, taunting me with "what ifs" in my new found happiness. Ultimately causing an unhappy couple. However, my biggest question remains, how will I know if i'm over them when so many times before I thought myself to be over it. Maybe I'll never be over them and Andy is advising that we use God to help us rise above those issues, to learn to move forward even with the pain.
Secondly we have to get out of debt, which save for my college and car loans I am already not in debt so I think I can put a check in that box.
Here's the kicker about this whole thing. Previous to taking the year challenge I was perfectly happy being single. I love being single. I love going where I want, when I want, doing what I want, how I want it. I don't get "lonely" or wish someone would "snuggle" with me - just the word snuggle makes me cringe. I like my space in my bed, I don't need to be connected to someone to feel comfortable sleeping. But something crazy has happened in this past month - I actually want to fall in love.
Here's my hypothesis. What with my sisters wedding and this challenge of bettering myself for my future mate, I have begun to realize that what I like about being single is not having to deal with the wrong people. Maybe I never "didn't like relationships" - I just didn't like the ones I was in and I translated that to every relationship.
For instance one of my dear friends was at my sisters wedding, I asked her how she and her husband had met. She told me that they were friends for a few years first, she had even hooked him up with a couple of his ex girlfriends. One day she realized she wanted to be with him and invited him to some kind of social event. At this event he left her alone - he let her do her thing, coming up to her just enough to let her know he was there and interested. He didn't ignore her and leave her feeling attention starved and he didn't hover like some love sick psycho path. I realized then that there is an in-between. I realized then that I wanted my best friend.
Sure love gets crazy and annoying and the other person will want and I will have to give and vice versa - but that's part of the patience and consideration I am working on during this year. Here I am, less than one month in, and I'm already feeling it. I'm already impatient. Surprise ;)
Not that I've found anyone I'd even come close to wanting to date, but I still pray for the patience to work this through to the end - coming out a better person not only for that future whoever, but also for myself. Stronger in my relationship with me and my God :)
I just found out you've passed away. Heaven got an angel. I can't find the tears to cry or the words to say, it's shocking and so unexpected. I don't know if it's because this has become so normal - to go on facebook and find another one gone. Or maybe its that we had made so many plans for when I got back to Minnesota, plans that I haven't accepted will not happen. Plans to go to the beach or to uptown. Plans to order shirley temples or join a bible study together with Elle.
I sit here silently in Cape Cod, wondering where the words will come from - where the words will go. My heart aches for those around you, those who will miss you. My heart aches for the best friends who will not have you to call and for those whose worlds just lost a little light - this world lost a little light. Your smile could brighten any room, your laughter was infectious, your sense of style enviable and your love for the Lord thirst quenching.
Through reading your posts I found myself drawn more to God each day and my heart yearns for a closer relationship with Him, a relationship that you yourself had. Watching you was inspiring and I am so proud to say that we were friends. I only wish that we could have built on that friendship as we had planned.
I can only imagine that the reason I am not crying is because I know that you are with God and that you knew you would someday see him. That you would someday go home. Maybe God will not let those tears flow because as you have said so many times, he has a plan - and his plan was to take you home. Your life has saved so many before this day and will save so many here after. See you in heaven Lo, see you at home.
