Laying in my bed, on a Thursday morning - waiting to pick up hummus - and once again my body becomes agitated with the onslaught of daydreams and constant need for motion.
I'm getting married folks! Although this is not news to most of you, anyone who only reads my blog (whom have all probably stopped due to the severe lack in posts) may not have even known I was dating someone.
In fact, you may even question why I've never blogged about him. Let me tell you, the reason is quite ludicrous and quite frankly a bit childish. I didn't want to jinx it. You see - I have a habit of blogging about people I'm dating (very T-Swift of me). My inclination is toward documenting each and every emotion set forth from an unsuspecting individual. Who knows the reason. But with Sam, I feared blogging about him would somehow end the relationship - so I bottled up those emotions, only sharing them with him and a few close friends.
However - now that I have him captured - I think I may begin to chronicle our life together. So - this blog will transform from "Heather-single-handidly-takes-on-world" to "heather-and-sam-adventure-through-marriage"! GET READY! But first, a farewell to the me who first moved to Denver in August 2014 to the me sitting here now, daydreaming.
This apartment - these walls, the old and rickety windows, the gas stove, and the painted fireplace mural - has seen me go through many a changes in the last two years. I moved here, angry and bitter to be back in Colorado. Trusting God with my life's direction but secretly doubting his ability to provide for me. My heart shattered by what I had, at the time, believed to be a love-gone-sour. The goal for that year was to set boundaries. At the time I had a serious lack of such and was tired of nobody taking me seriously at work or in my personal life. I thirsted for adventure, to be alone, to be captivated by something, and to connect with myself.
Throughout the last two years I dated on e-harmony, turned away from God, came back to God, grew closer with my sisters, and became a new me. I grew to love local foods, organic face cream, and learned to climb mountains (literally). I spent more than a year devoted to a non-profit disaster response organization, quitting my day job and driving for Uber to pay the bills, along with nannying my nephew. Eventually turning to web development before being proposed to and now spending the summer handing out hummus preparing for marriage! WHAT A LIFE!
And now I lay here, listening to my landlord shout directions to the man bringing the new water-heater. Bags of clothes ready for good-will piled all over the apartment, books for donation stacked on shelves, and a perpetual antsyness plaguing me - telling me I must get things done. My heart barely able to comprehend all that will change in the next two months.
I've loved the last two years in Colorado. Loved the parts of myself I said goodbye to, love the parts of myself I've welcomed. The memories I've collected, tears I've cried, and laughter I've shared in this apartment, with these people, will forever be etched in my mind.
To have had the chance to live alone, to go on my own adventures, create myself, was the best thing God could have given me. I look back on the hours driving to Colorado - never knowing what was in store, crying, and I can't help but smile. As I pack up my things and say goodbye to this little apartment - I do so with bittersweet excitement for what's to come and what I leave behind.
What a wonderful thing, to love your life. Here's to the next season.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Thursday, February 19, 2015
It's perfectly acceptable to be too selfish to commit . . .
Some call it selfishness, other's call it freedom, while still others refer to it as being young. I say it's a combination of the three. Through the countless dates with the various men I've dated over the past 6 months I've come to realize one thing - I don't want to date. Peppered among the conversations about childhoods and future goals were daydreams of various places - places void of anyone substantial but God and a few good friends. The very reason I had decided to date at all both perplexed me and gnawed at my conscience. What was I searching for? Did I feel as though it was the time for such new beginnings? Did I have the attention to give someone? Was my heart yearning for something I could not pinpoint? Or was it simply that I listened to the women around me thirst for another mate - and in turn decided I, too, should be on the lookout. As with everything though - reality knocks and welcomes itself in - welcomed or not.
Last night while driving to a date the only thing running through my mind was the fact that I was missing out on training for a 5K and that yoga was going to start at the same time as my date. These thoughts followed by the list of projects around my house I wanted to get done. Consequently ending with the realization that I didn't even feel like going on this date. Thankfully [depending on your perspective] the date was simply a friendly chat void of any romantic connection or desire for more time spent together - I'm fairly certain this was a mutual conclusion. Then it hit me - I like being single.
As I spoke with my friend on the phone I made the realization that I just didn't feel like committing the time or effort to another human being in order to cultivate a lasting relationship. My exact words, I believe, were "I don't feel like consulting anyone about any of the things I want to do." Some people assert that you don't need to consult anyone - that somehow this is controlling - I disagree. At this stage in life people are interested in serious. They want stable - grounded. Someone set in a particular way, to an extent. A person in which they can rely. And I can tell you with absolute certainty - I am not that person. I've never been the grounded type. While I may be down to earth - I intend to roam that earth. If someone comes along - fine. If not - equally as fine. I fear missing out on life, on adventures, on experiencing the newness of everything more than I fear being single. In fact - I don't fear being single at all. So why focus my attention on not being single?
Naturally, I made this an announcement on Facebook and got the obvious response. Other women who were equally content being single and one comment [with a few likes] that I wasn't even 25, how could I be done dating? Simple - I'm not even 25 - why do I need to be dating? Crammed around an already busy work schedule is the time I spend volunteering in Team Rubicon [a disaster relief organization], training for a 5k, pursuing my growing friendships, growing in my relationship with God, making plans for travel to various different places, focusing on becoming financially stable, loving on my niece and my new nephew, and seeking God's guidance in my professional life [well, in all of life, really]. How does that say "You have ample time to offer a boyfriend!"? I would argue nowhere. Additionally, I would argue, I am completely content in the busyness and the gloriousness of being less-than-25 [even if it is only 9 more days until my birthday].
In church they say that in order to make time for something you have to cut something else out - we can not continue doing everything we've always done and think we can just "fit something else" in. I mean - we can - but when you try to do too many things, you do them all half ass. So, while many say it's selfish not to want to put the work in, I say it's not. How unfair, to ask someone to share. To sit back and wait. To sit on the sidelines. Not right now - not while I am busy pursuing life. I'd rather give someone my all than a part of me - and right now all of me is consumed. Consumed in the beauty of life. Consumed in the beauty of wandering.
You don't need to be anywhere - at any point actually. Your pace and where you put your energy is entirely up to you. If where you are is where God has taken you - don't let the rest of the world tell you it's wrong. Ultimately, you decide what consumes you.
Right now, I'm consumed - and it's perfectly acceptable.
Last night while driving to a date the only thing running through my mind was the fact that I was missing out on training for a 5K and that yoga was going to start at the same time as my date. These thoughts followed by the list of projects around my house I wanted to get done. Consequently ending with the realization that I didn't even feel like going on this date. Thankfully [depending on your perspective] the date was simply a friendly chat void of any romantic connection or desire for more time spent together - I'm fairly certain this was a mutual conclusion. Then it hit me - I like being single.
As I spoke with my friend on the phone I made the realization that I just didn't feel like committing the time or effort to another human being in order to cultivate a lasting relationship. My exact words, I believe, were "I don't feel like consulting anyone about any of the things I want to do." Some people assert that you don't need to consult anyone - that somehow this is controlling - I disagree. At this stage in life people are interested in serious. They want stable - grounded. Someone set in a particular way, to an extent. A person in which they can rely. And I can tell you with absolute certainty - I am not that person. I've never been the grounded type. While I may be down to earth - I intend to roam that earth. If someone comes along - fine. If not - equally as fine. I fear missing out on life, on adventures, on experiencing the newness of everything more than I fear being single. In fact - I don't fear being single at all. So why focus my attention on not being single?
Naturally, I made this an announcement on Facebook and got the obvious response. Other women who were equally content being single and one comment [with a few likes] that I wasn't even 25, how could I be done dating? Simple - I'm not even 25 - why do I need to be dating? Crammed around an already busy work schedule is the time I spend volunteering in Team Rubicon [a disaster relief organization], training for a 5k, pursuing my growing friendships, growing in my relationship with God, making plans for travel to various different places, focusing on becoming financially stable, loving on my niece and my new nephew, and seeking God's guidance in my professional life [well, in all of life, really]. How does that say "You have ample time to offer a boyfriend!"? I would argue nowhere. Additionally, I would argue, I am completely content in the busyness and the gloriousness of being less-than-25 [even if it is only 9 more days until my birthday].
In church they say that in order to make time for something you have to cut something else out - we can not continue doing everything we've always done and think we can just "fit something else" in. I mean - we can - but when you try to do too many things, you do them all half ass. So, while many say it's selfish not to want to put the work in, I say it's not. How unfair, to ask someone to share. To sit back and wait. To sit on the sidelines. Not right now - not while I am busy pursuing life. I'd rather give someone my all than a part of me - and right now all of me is consumed. Consumed in the beauty of life. Consumed in the beauty of wandering.
You don't need to be anywhere - at any point actually. Your pace and where you put your energy is entirely up to you. If where you are is where God has taken you - don't let the rest of the world tell you it's wrong. Ultimately, you decide what consumes you.
Right now, I'm consumed - and it's perfectly acceptable.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Who Are You?
Do you ever look back on your life and laugh at who you once were? I stumbled upon a few of those Facebook notes people used to write back in the day [2009] and the things I wrote, coupled with posts from Time Hop, has made it abundantly clear - I am not who I was.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
In fact, I also took the time to read messages between a previous fling and I out of curiosity. These messages spanned over 5 years (no, I did not read them all, I have a life). After reading quite a few I shook my head at the sheer ridiculousness of the things I had said. "Who is this girl?" "Why would you say that?" Were both statements I said aloud several times. Which makes me wonder - how are we ever sure of what we want? Of who we are?
Throughout my short time as a dating adult I have, for the most part, pursued "country" men. I was interested in those guys who wore boots, listened to country music, and dreamt of owning a farm. The strong silent type you might say. Or if you're my father - taciturn men. However, this is no longer whom I seek. In fact, after having my pick of various country men - you might say I seek the opposite.
Two things have happened over the past year. First off, I used to see myself living on a farm or a ranch. And while I still love wide open spaces, I have come to love the city, not necessarily the busyness of the city, but rather the closeness of it. The closeness of your family, friends, great restaurants, good music, the variety of activities at any given time. The fact that I can walk to work, bus if I need to - hop on a light rail. Study people, take in the sights, and drive but one hour to all the outdoor excitement I could ever want. I love the idea of backyard barbecues, downtown dancing, and picnics in the park - all within biking distance.
The other thing? My taste in men. No longer do I seek a specific style but more a specific character. I crave a man with a passion for Jesus, intellectual conversation, someone whom I can muse about the world with, discuss the parallels between religion and science. Someone who gives others not only their money but their time. A confident individual with the ability to speak their mind and communicate their interests, goals, and experiences. An adventurous person with a thirst for the unknown. Someone who stands by their convictions but humbly admits their shortcomings - as we all have them.
While this may be obvious to some people - that we change - to others, such as myself, it's a little disheartening. I don't know about you, but this is terrifying when thought about in the context of the future. We begin to wonder - If your tastes can change so drastically - when do they stop? At what point are the things you crave and the plans God has for you at an apex? Will you make decisions now that in a year - or ten - will be drastically different from anything you would desire for yourself? As Johann Wolfgang von Goethe stated "Choose wisely. Your choice is brief, yet endless." But what if our choice is wrong later? That endless choice has affected all others.
Despite these questions, I've learned something - maybe a hundred times - and it's simple. Worrying does nothing. The things I thought I desired were based on a need for something I thought that lifestyle could fulfill. It was based on my idea of what a man was and where that life would take me. What it wasn't based on was the person God intended me to be - and where he saw my life. While making plans for my life I completely forgot to include God. My decisions were based purely on a person I thought I had to be in order to obtain what I thought I needed - not embracing who God was trying to mold me into nor the things He was trying to provide me.
That's the thing, when we move closer to God - we move closer to who God meant us to be. We move closer to the life he intended for us. If we choose a person who is equally seeking Jesus and weaving Him into all aspects of their life - we find that our endless choices are the right choices. We find that when we look across the table at that person - their goals, their desires, their needs are the same as ours - Gods. We may even find that God never intended us to be with anyone - that our life path is different. We are needed in another way - for other things. Things that will satisfy the deepest parts of our soul - because the only one who knows us has lead us there.
Eventually we find that while weeding through the many phases of self all we ever had to do was trust God - trust that He who made us, knows us. He who made us, will provide for us. If we follow him, He will lead us to places we never thought we'd be. Places we never knew we wanted to be.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Our fear of being vulnerable
So, as many of you know I have started dating again. I got onto eHarmony about two months back and have gone on dates with a few guys. My results have been pretty good - but nothing earth shattering. I've made a few friends but nothing I felt like pursuing. In fact - although I've had fun, no-one has really stood out in my mind. Until recently.
About three weeks back I started seeing someone and since then we've gone on a few dates. At first, as my friends will tell you, the feeling was pretty mediocre - not shocking to me in the least as this is exactly how I felt on every other date. However, I prayed about it - because I felt compelled to continue going on dates despite feeling the way I had felt about everyone else. Except this time something different happened - each time I went on a date with him I had different reservations and each date squashed the exact reservation I was having. As a result, I got excited. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that I hate being excited about a prospective man in my life. Why, you ask? Because it makes me vulnerable.
After sharing my fear of vulnerability with a few friends I came to realize a lot of people have this fear. So why this fear of vulnerability? What is it about being "susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm" [Google definition of vulnerable] do we not like? Well - it's a fear of being at a disadvantage. Now, I haven't done extensive research nor am I a scientist or a biologist but both would teach us that as human beings we have an innate desire to survive. I would argue that we not only want to survive but we want to enjoy our survival. When we think of this in terms of life and death it becomes much more obvious why we would avoid certain circumstances - but when we talk in terms of emotional well being, things get a little fuzzy.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
We don't want someone to be able to have the upper hand emotionally because we hate to feel as though we aren't in control. In fact, I keep getting the same response "just take it day by day - enjoy this time! It's exciting!" and I keep feeling the same thing - this is not fun. It's not fun to wonder. It's not fun to second-guess. It's not fun to not know another human being - to be uncomfortable in their presence because you literally have no clue. What's fun to me? Comfort. Knowing someone like the back of your hand. Understanding their mind - their likes and dislikes. The very reason people get bored are the very reasons I enjoy long-term. These are also the very reasons I have a select few awesome amazing friends. I enjoy knowing a person.
So I took a new approach to my age-old issue of being uncomfortable with vulnerability. I decided - it is what it is. People hate when you say that. Because, again, people want to be in control but guess what? Relationships take two people. You have little to no control over another human being and their thoughts or feelings. You can fight to the death for a relationship and they still have to fight with you. When thing's get boring you can plan all sorts of new and exciting things to keep the relationship alive, but the other person has to want to participate. All you can do is be honest, lay it out there, and hope that the other person want's to pick up what you're putting down. So, I'll continue to be myself, to lay it out there, and to feel all the excitement of "potential" while knowing that this is in God's hands.
That last sentence is the most important one. It is truly all in God's hands. I may pray for certain things but Lord knows I am so happy that He didn't answer some of my prayers the way I expected. I find more comfort in knowing that God has this - each aspect of my life - than I could ever feel "intimately knowing" another person. Because guess what? I've known someone like the back of my hand - I've expected an outcome that I thought I could control. I felt the pain of realizing that no-matter how hard you love another human being, they may just turn away from you. The only constant in our lives is God and His love for us. His promise that He does all things for our good.
With this in mind we can know that no-matter how daunting dating, or anything really, may be - no matter how vulnerable we may feel - we are comforted in the knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. That His plans far exceed those that we have for ourselves! We can only do our best and take comfort in the knowledge that God is good and He's got this.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Just another benefit of being twenty-something
I am young – both chronologically and admittedly. So it
should come as no shock to me when I discover yet another piece of myself –
sometimes quite by accident, despite all the time spent over analyzing my inner
self. It's one of the benefits to being twenty-something - having time to utilize these little things - hopefully things we can use for the rest of our lives. I've found a lot of other women feel this way as well – and I’m sure you
will relate!
Last night I sat, a half hour past my usual time to leave,
waiting rather impatiently to head into a meeting with my HR manager and a
Managing Principal. Our meeting was to discuss where I saw my job roll changing
over the next few years. Namely – where I saw my job in 2020. Have you ever had
someone ask you a question so absurd you literally smiled and shook your head,
believing there was no way they expected an honest answer from you? That is
exactly how I felt when asked this question. I am new to this job and literally
still don’t know quite what I do sometimes. How on earth did they expect this
from me? Either way – I wrote up my little proposal outlining exactly what it
is that I enjoy – all rainbows and butterflies.
To my surprise [sarcasm] the MP ended up telling me where he
saw me – he saw me as an ambassador for the company. He went into great detail
about how I light up a room, how the way I interact with people is seldom
found, and then asked if I had ever considered traveling to marketing events. I
almost couldn't contain my laughter! Although most people make the same
assumption as he had, that I love socializing, I had to once again tell another
person that I despise networking. The very thought of flitting around and
making small talk with a bunch of random people feels schmoozey and utterly gag
worthy. Which I explained to him – in a little bit nicer terms.
Then, to my actual surprise, he said “Well, that’s your age –
given some time and a little more comfort with yourself, I doubt you will feel
the same. You have a gift and a knack for people that is rare. People gravitate
to you and there will come a time when you learn to play off that strength – to
use it to your advantage in your career.” Flattered, I gave this some thought
as I left the meeting and set about home to go to my sister’s for dinner.
Of course, as with most things, the epiphany didn't come
instantly – but sitting in the car with my brother in-law about twenty minutes
later – it happened [which truly is rather quick]. I was telling him what my
boss had said and explaining that I didn't know why I didn't enjoy networking
when all of the sudden I knew. I’m not comfortable with myself socially – but more
specifically I am not confident enough in my ability to sensor myself. There is
one thing I do really well and that’s personal. If you know me – you know that.
If there is a question considered inappropriate or unprofessional, chances are I've asked it. If there’s a stance on something that’s deemed insensitive or
overly sensitive, I've voiced it. I do deep really well, I like to know what
makes you tick – what your childhood was like, where your passions lie, the
things you fear. It’s no shock, then, that I also over share. People know more
about me in the first hour of knowing me than most people know about their best
friends in a lifetime. Okay, that is a slight exaggeration – but only a slight
one. I’m working on it!
I don’t do surface level well. The little things – where do
you work, how long have you worked there, what are your career goals – not my
thing. Which is why I dislike it. It’s in my personality – to avoid things I’m
not good at. I've built a wall up around this thing – that I may truly excel at
– if only I would allow myself to.
So, what now? Where do I go? What do I do? I’ll tell you
where – I get out there, outside my comfort zone and I practice. I get good at
professional – at surface level. I leave the safety of what I know and venture
into where I would excel, no matter how gag worthy it may seem. Not necessarily
because I will come to love it – because I might not, but I will never know if
I don’t try. And not because being good at personal is a bad thing – but because
it’s an aspect of myself that remains untapped. A part of myself I may really
enjoy – if only I could get acquainted.
It’s outside of that comfort zone – and like “they” always
say – life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Thankfully - I learned this while I'm still young, chronologically and admittedly.
Friday, August 1, 2014
I choose not to follow my heart.
Over the last twenty four hours I have experienced I wave of emotions - from ecstatic to extremely sad about leaving Minnesota for my job in Denver. I have had literally zero desire to leave the place that I love over the past four years. Applying in various states was something I did on a whim - choosing not to keep myself shut off from opportunities that may lay outside my comfort zone. Then someone told me to follow my heart. I replied that I was instead going to follow God - here is what I mean by that.
I prayed several times over the past few months, as I do normally, that God only open doors that He want me to walk through. Throughout this entire application process I did the same thing. My prayers were simple "Lord, only offer me a job where you want me - because I will accept a job. I will not know the difference between a good place and a bad and I will take what is offered, please do not offer what you do not want me to take." Lo and behold, the offer came in from Denver.
As many of you know I have family in Denver, and Denver is a wonderful place - but it is not my place. It is not my home. It is not the place I would get tattooed on my body [well no-one should, it's the shape of a square for pete sake - that was their first mistake]. It is not the place my absolute best friends live, the people I call in the middle of the night, the people who would drop everything for me and come to my rescue [not that I don't have that in Denver, I do]. Bottom line, if I were following my heart - I would not go to Denver. I would stay home.
But Jesus did not die on a cross for me to follow my heart. Jesus died on a cross for me to follow Him. Here are the reasons I am choosing to follow not my heart - but God:
Proverbs 28:20 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. But he who walks wisely will be delivered
Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Romans 8:14 - For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God
Proverbs 4:23 - Above all things guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life
Luke 14:33 - In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you desire cannot be my disciples
So, while it may be difficult. While I may be sad to leave the place that I love. While it may not be what my heart is telling me to do right now - it is where God is leading me - so go I shall!
See you soon Denver! I look forward to what lay ahead :)
I prayed several times over the past few months, as I do normally, that God only open doors that He want me to walk through. Throughout this entire application process I did the same thing. My prayers were simple "Lord, only offer me a job where you want me - because I will accept a job. I will not know the difference between a good place and a bad and I will take what is offered, please do not offer what you do not want me to take." Lo and behold, the offer came in from Denver.
As many of you know I have family in Denver, and Denver is a wonderful place - but it is not my place. It is not my home. It is not the place I would get tattooed on my body [well no-one should, it's the shape of a square for pete sake - that was their first mistake]. It is not the place my absolute best friends live, the people I call in the middle of the night, the people who would drop everything for me and come to my rescue [not that I don't have that in Denver, I do]. Bottom line, if I were following my heart - I would not go to Denver. I would stay home.
But Jesus did not die on a cross for me to follow my heart. Jesus died on a cross for me to follow Him. Here are the reasons I am choosing to follow not my heart - but God:
Proverbs 28:20 - He who trusts in his own heart is a fool. But he who walks wisely will be delivered
Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Romans 8:14 - For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God
Proverbs 4:23 - Above all things guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life
Luke 14:33 - In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you desire cannot be my disciples
So, while it may be difficult. While I may be sad to leave the place that I love. While it may not be what my heart is telling me to do right now - it is where God is leading me - so go I shall!
See you soon Denver! I look forward to what lay ahead :)
Thursday, July 17, 2014
You grow up and become jaded
Somewhere between the noise, bouncing from every surface surrounding our already distracted thoughts, and the numerous inquiries into our seemingly simple existence we lose ourselves. Not to anyone or anything in particular - more to the whole of it. The whole of life and the complexities that consume our once childish ideas of what life is supposed to be once you're an adult. We weren't aware, in our simple observations and wide eyed fascination, that we'd get so caught up in what being "grown up" meant, that our eyes would soon become heavy with stress and our analysis of where we ought to be so fuzzied by those around us that we would lose sight of those simple pleasures. The simple things that took hold of us frantically the closer we got to breaking free of the chains of childhood. Little did we know all that childhood had to offer - all the wonderful meaningless lessons that were really the glue that held our universe together. Those lessons taught me about love and how to be a friend - those little monumental lessons - about life and the things that really matter. Yet, sitting here tonight I am perplexed by how quickly it slips through our fingers. How distant those feelings get, lost in the noise, in the chaos that is our lives, how lost those monumental lessons get in the tiny blows to our egos. Jaded.
There is a period of time, in life, when we simply become jaded. You no longer feel like dropping everything for the somebody who does nothing. You no longer believe in love at first sight or happily ever after. The notion that we can be anything we want to be slips and fades when the going gets rough. After the umteenth rejection email based on your lack of experience or your failure to get a more specific degree. Yet - we keep on going. Reignited by a new sense of purpose from somewhere in the back. A time out with the girls, a promising new job lead, a friendly flirt - something that tells us maybe we're not crazy. That maybe hiding in the cracks of crap we totally didn't expect as children was some of the stuff we were promised - or at least the stuff we imagined to be true.
Maybe there are those of us who only just assumed that our parents had gotten adulthood all wrong. Witnessing their mistakes weave in and out of their daily lives was more like avoiding a train wreck . . . on a beach - you'd think it would be easy, but somehow it always showed up. You imagined growing up and stepping off that graduation stage into life would be effortless, seamless even. Into the world you would go - life and love abundant. Stress and pain a distant memory - something inflicted upon you by those not as life savvy. Only to find out you're nothing but a fawn in a sea of elephants trying to work those wobbly legs. With each giant stomp in your direction, losing site of your childish notions and the giddy hope that once filled your heart. Weaving in and out of your own mistakes - avoiding them like . . . wait . . . you've been here before. Thankfully. Because you have something they never did, you have the warning labels and the articles. You have the resources to come back from where ever it is you never wanted to go. You weeble and you wobble but you don't fall down.
One day, you stand. Sure footed and on top. An elephant among fawns. Hopefully, not so jaded. Hopefully, you found hope. Hopefully you found that life as an adult is nothing as quiet and cushy as once dreamed up when you were a wee ten year old. Just as most things were. In fact, the truth about nearly everything in the world was nearly always in stark contrast to the outlandish notions once set fourth by our imaginations. Although we had the upper hand on the simple rights and wrongs - we as children very rarely got the complexities of what it means to be an adult. To pay bills, go to work, make time for friends, keep up a healthy relationship, and the list goes on - so why we become jaded is really the better question. Of course growing up is hard - why wouldn't it be? Lost in the noise of our seemingly simple existence is the glaring fact that while it may be a simple notion - it takes work. Once we've accomplished one feat it is time to tackle yet another. Just as when we were children climbing the next biggest tree, we are now adults pushing ourselves to be who we know we can be - and that takes work.
You're an adult now - not a child. You have gotten what you always dreamed of :)
Author's note: I wrote the first half 7/14/12 and the second half 7/17/14. Perspective with age, I suppose.
There is a period of time, in life, when we simply become jaded. You no longer feel like dropping everything for the somebody who does nothing. You no longer believe in love at first sight or happily ever after. The notion that we can be anything we want to be slips and fades when the going gets rough. After the umteenth rejection email based on your lack of experience or your failure to get a more specific degree. Yet - we keep on going. Reignited by a new sense of purpose from somewhere in the back. A time out with the girls, a promising new job lead, a friendly flirt - something that tells us maybe we're not crazy. That maybe hiding in the cracks of crap we totally didn't expect as children was some of the stuff we were promised - or at least the stuff we imagined to be true.
Maybe there are those of us who only just assumed that our parents had gotten adulthood all wrong. Witnessing their mistakes weave in and out of their daily lives was more like avoiding a train wreck . . . on a beach - you'd think it would be easy, but somehow it always showed up. You imagined growing up and stepping off that graduation stage into life would be effortless, seamless even. Into the world you would go - life and love abundant. Stress and pain a distant memory - something inflicted upon you by those not as life savvy. Only to find out you're nothing but a fawn in a sea of elephants trying to work those wobbly legs. With each giant stomp in your direction, losing site of your childish notions and the giddy hope that once filled your heart. Weaving in and out of your own mistakes - avoiding them like . . . wait . . . you've been here before. Thankfully. Because you have something they never did, you have the warning labels and the articles. You have the resources to come back from where ever it is you never wanted to go. You weeble and you wobble but you don't fall down.
One day, you stand. Sure footed and on top. An elephant among fawns. Hopefully, not so jaded. Hopefully, you found hope. Hopefully you found that life as an adult is nothing as quiet and cushy as once dreamed up when you were a wee ten year old. Just as most things were. In fact, the truth about nearly everything in the world was nearly always in stark contrast to the outlandish notions once set fourth by our imaginations. Although we had the upper hand on the simple rights and wrongs - we as children very rarely got the complexities of what it means to be an adult. To pay bills, go to work, make time for friends, keep up a healthy relationship, and the list goes on - so why we become jaded is really the better question. Of course growing up is hard - why wouldn't it be? Lost in the noise of our seemingly simple existence is the glaring fact that while it may be a simple notion - it takes work. Once we've accomplished one feat it is time to tackle yet another. Just as when we were children climbing the next biggest tree, we are now adults pushing ourselves to be who we know we can be - and that takes work.
You're an adult now - not a child. You have gotten what you always dreamed of :)
Author's note: I wrote the first half 7/14/12 and the second half 7/17/14. Perspective with age, I suppose.
Even I thought I was racist . . .
I work at a hotel. Our doors are locked. We lock our doors not because we are in a dangerous part of town but because we offer breakfast and dinner for our guests, as well as fruit and coffee. We also have an open market that just so happens to be right next to an exit. Consequently the bathroom in the lobby is also key access - I think you get the picture. Well, often times people find a way to sneak in behind a guest or we mistake someone for a guest and allow them into our lobby only to get verbally abused when we tell them to leave. This just so happened to occur about a week ago.
I was helping a few guests out when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a tall man walk in behind some other people. He was wearing a du-rag, sporting a bag, and he was headed toward where the food would normally be set out. However it was past the time for food and the bar was closed - noticing that the security guard went back after him - I just continued my conversations with the guests in front of me. A few moments later the security guard came back, without the man. In a perhaps poorly planned spur of the moment decision I said, rather loudly, "That man is not supposed to be in here!" At which the security guard turned back around, went back and proceeded to tell the man to leave. Thankfully all the other guests had left the lobby at this time - or my adrenaline prevented me from noticing anyone else - but the man began yelling at the security guard as he started toward the desk. After screaming obscenities about the fact that he was a guest [producing a key-card] and asking for quarters to do laundry, he explained that we shouldn't make assumptions like that and that he deserved something due to our ignorance, also stating that he would be reporting us. He then proceeded back up to his room and I found myself in the back office - crying hysterically about my bold assumptions and feeling as though I had racially profiled him. Once I gained my composure I called him and told him we would be doing something the following day and I once again apologized - he said he probably overreacted and explained that we could use this as a learning moment. You see, the man was black, and although he never said it and maybe he never felt it, I felt as though I had racially profiled him and assumed that he was not a guest due to his du-rag, plastic bag, and lack of knowledge of the dinner hours.
However something strange happened - not two hours later a couple walked in. A white man with a white woman, middle class, preppy. They walked straight to the bar, but before they could make it half way there I inquired rather rudely "Are you a guest here?" In this moment I realized that I felt the same exclusion toward them as I had the man. Again, last night I found a man sitting at a business center computer, dirty backpack by his side - scraggly hair hanging to his shoulders. In my mind I scoffed and thought "Ugh, this man is not staying here, I know it - but fine, i'll let it alone." Lo and behold a half hour went by and the man half stumbled out of the front door, never to return again. That man was white. Once again tonight, a couple walked in - this time clearly on something, reeking of cigarettes. I apologized to my coworker for allowing them to charge their phone. I reiterated to the couple several times as they asked for an ATM that we do not accept cash - all the while imagining how much they would stink up a hotel room and wishing I had just told them they needed a key to enter the hotel. Turns out, they never wanted nor had the means to stay there anyway.
You see, my problem isn't a race problem. I don't know if I have a problem at all. But if I have a problem at all it's that I work in a hotel, in the city, with locked doors - where I have to constantly be on watch for those who are looking to steal things that they feel entitled to. I have been sworn at, threatened, mocked, and lied to. I have chosen to trust people only to be shown that my bosses were right all along - that they would in fact damage the room and their prepaid card wouldn't cover the costs. But here I was, assuming that I had profiled this man not because he seemed out of place but because he was black.
We have become so sensitive in this country to race that when I make miscalculations - when I misjudge someone based on the way they look or dress or act when they are white, nothing is said about it. It is perfectly acceptable that I call out a guest when they are white due to their poor hygiene or personal style, but when the person is black it automatically becomes about race - even in my own mind. We return points, give money back, I cry, lessons are learned. When I call out anyone else, a simple sorry will suffice - in extreme cases a market item or a few extra points.
Take my coworker for instance. He is a black man and has worked for the hotel for over a decade and throughout that time he has had to kick many of his "own people" out of the hotel. On more times than I can count he is called out for being against "his own people" and as they leave I can see him wince as we hear "Uncle Tom" ring through the doors. His feelings hurt, his ego bruised - all because he is doing his job. He is kicking people out of the hotel for loitering. For being in a private place meant for those who have chosen to pay to stay there. Yet he is condemned by his "own people" for "acting white." He is punished for rising above.
As if we aren't all our own people. As if the main reasons we disagree isn't due to cultural differences rather than pigmentation. But here I was, thinking I was racist, because society had told me that I must be. Here I was crying hysterically in the back office because I had picked out a guest simply for being black, when really - I hadn't. I had done nothing of the sort.
I picked him because in the sea of guests he was out of place, plain and simple. Were my actions justified? Absolutely not. Should wearing a du-rag make you a target of speculation? No. Should heading back to pick up some bananas from the bar area set off red flags from the desk? Nope. Am I wrong? Yes. Am I racist? Not a chance.
I'm a white woman who has been told that I am racist if ever I call out someone of the opposite color. Should I make the mistake of misjudging someone based on anything to do with anything else they should show to me, it must always come back to that simple question "What color are they?" To which, if I reply black, I am automatically racist. I hate it. I really do.
I was helping a few guests out when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a tall man walk in behind some other people. He was wearing a du-rag, sporting a bag, and he was headed toward where the food would normally be set out. However it was past the time for food and the bar was closed - noticing that the security guard went back after him - I just continued my conversations with the guests in front of me. A few moments later the security guard came back, without the man. In a perhaps poorly planned spur of the moment decision I said, rather loudly, "That man is not supposed to be in here!" At which the security guard turned back around, went back and proceeded to tell the man to leave. Thankfully all the other guests had left the lobby at this time - or my adrenaline prevented me from noticing anyone else - but the man began yelling at the security guard as he started toward the desk. After screaming obscenities about the fact that he was a guest [producing a key-card] and asking for quarters to do laundry, he explained that we shouldn't make assumptions like that and that he deserved something due to our ignorance, also stating that he would be reporting us. He then proceeded back up to his room and I found myself in the back office - crying hysterically about my bold assumptions and feeling as though I had racially profiled him. Once I gained my composure I called him and told him we would be doing something the following day and I once again apologized - he said he probably overreacted and explained that we could use this as a learning moment. You see, the man was black, and although he never said it and maybe he never felt it, I felt as though I had racially profiled him and assumed that he was not a guest due to his du-rag, plastic bag, and lack of knowledge of the dinner hours.
However something strange happened - not two hours later a couple walked in. A white man with a white woman, middle class, preppy. They walked straight to the bar, but before they could make it half way there I inquired rather rudely "Are you a guest here?" In this moment I realized that I felt the same exclusion toward them as I had the man. Again, last night I found a man sitting at a business center computer, dirty backpack by his side - scraggly hair hanging to his shoulders. In my mind I scoffed and thought "Ugh, this man is not staying here, I know it - but fine, i'll let it alone." Lo and behold a half hour went by and the man half stumbled out of the front door, never to return again. That man was white. Once again tonight, a couple walked in - this time clearly on something, reeking of cigarettes. I apologized to my coworker for allowing them to charge their phone. I reiterated to the couple several times as they asked for an ATM that we do not accept cash - all the while imagining how much they would stink up a hotel room and wishing I had just told them they needed a key to enter the hotel. Turns out, they never wanted nor had the means to stay there anyway.
You see, my problem isn't a race problem. I don't know if I have a problem at all. But if I have a problem at all it's that I work in a hotel, in the city, with locked doors - where I have to constantly be on watch for those who are looking to steal things that they feel entitled to. I have been sworn at, threatened, mocked, and lied to. I have chosen to trust people only to be shown that my bosses were right all along - that they would in fact damage the room and their prepaid card wouldn't cover the costs. But here I was, assuming that I had profiled this man not because he seemed out of place but because he was black.
We have become so sensitive in this country to race that when I make miscalculations - when I misjudge someone based on the way they look or dress or act when they are white, nothing is said about it. It is perfectly acceptable that I call out a guest when they are white due to their poor hygiene or personal style, but when the person is black it automatically becomes about race - even in my own mind. We return points, give money back, I cry, lessons are learned. When I call out anyone else, a simple sorry will suffice - in extreme cases a market item or a few extra points.
Take my coworker for instance. He is a black man and has worked for the hotel for over a decade and throughout that time he has had to kick many of his "own people" out of the hotel. On more times than I can count he is called out for being against "his own people" and as they leave I can see him wince as we hear "Uncle Tom" ring through the doors. His feelings hurt, his ego bruised - all because he is doing his job. He is kicking people out of the hotel for loitering. For being in a private place meant for those who have chosen to pay to stay there. Yet he is condemned by his "own people" for "acting white." He is punished for rising above.
As if we aren't all our own people. As if the main reasons we disagree isn't due to cultural differences rather than pigmentation. But here I was, thinking I was racist, because society had told me that I must be. Here I was crying hysterically in the back office because I had picked out a guest simply for being black, when really - I hadn't. I had done nothing of the sort.
I picked him because in the sea of guests he was out of place, plain and simple. Were my actions justified? Absolutely not. Should wearing a du-rag make you a target of speculation? No. Should heading back to pick up some bananas from the bar area set off red flags from the desk? Nope. Am I wrong? Yes. Am I racist? Not a chance.
I'm a white woman who has been told that I am racist if ever I call out someone of the opposite color. Should I make the mistake of misjudging someone based on anything to do with anything else they should show to me, it must always come back to that simple question "What color are they?" To which, if I reply black, I am automatically racist. I hate it. I really do.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Since when does happiness equate to incompetence?
I am a generally happy person. In fact, I would say I am happy 98 percent of the time. But somewhere between age, a brain injury, and several hurtful comments/actions I realized that I am not taken seriously as a person. Why is this? I believe it's due to the fact that I laugh to much; here is why.
Several years ago a family member invited a girl over to a family function. At some point during the family function I heard someone say "She's a nice girl, not very bright, but nice," to which I responded "Why isn't she bright?" "She's just giggly" they said. She's giggly, eh? So, someone who giggles a lot must not just be enjoying life or the conversation - they must just be too dim witted to understand what's going on around them so they instead giggle. I mean, there are people who giggle because they don't get it - true. But there are those of us, ahem me, who giggle because of the joyous circumstance of love and life all around them. On to my next point.
After my brain injury I was angry. That is an understatement. Not angry in an oh-why-me kind of way but more like a frontal-lobe-hemorrhage kind of cannot-control-emotions kind of way and a strange thing happened, people liked it. In fact, people from all over told me how much they liked my new found anger. My constant swearing. The random outbursts. The lack of ambition or laughter. People liked my brain damage induced, not at all voluntary, anger. I was listened to more, people enjoyed my company more, and I was even told at one point "now you're more like the rest of us." Oh great, now i'm a bitter whiner who makes excuses rather than happily changes my circumstances - OH JOY! SIKE!
This one was especially hurtful because I had been dating a guy prior to this accident for a year who would tell me that he could not handle me when I got too "giddy" with excitement. That my giggles and laughter were too much. To which I replied "everyone else loves me exactly the way I am, why can't you?" Only to find out that in fact, everyone else found me equally as insufferable at times and needed me to cool it down a notch.
Moving on. The last straw[s] came over the past two years. I have had a job where I have worked along side a wonderful, quite capable, coworker who literally could make mountains move. I, however, can also make mountains move. The difference? Her face shows it. Mine? Shows a giant smile and a hundred decibels of laughter each day at work. When our bosses need something done - they ask her. When I take the initiative and take on a project myself, they shit on it. Not literally but the one big project I took on they literally just didn't use it, or praise it, or do anything to say "We know you can!" In fact, when someone forgets to right a location of a car I am automatically the one blamed. Or when we all arrive late to work somehow the offence is worse because it is me. When there is a promotion at work I can almost see the laughter in their eyes when I suggest that I may want that position. In fact, it is here that it became more apparent than ever that my happy demeanor is seen as incompetence. I am a happy, trusting. naive child - capable of only what I am told, and filling water bottles.
Then came the day, while lamenting to my parents about this fact, that they said "you need to master your hats." Now, I had been told this before - but it was during this time that it truly sank in. I want to laugh, I want to be sooooo happy it makes me cry. I want to greet everyone with the biggest smiles and crack the best jokes. But sometimes you have to wear another hat.
Like my roommate three years ago. At home she was funny and forgetful and sometimes a little too wild, but at work she was a force like no other. She had moved to store manager by the age of 19 and by the age of 21 had been promoted a ton of times. She now makes more than most people who have gone to college - because she understood her hats.
Or that awesome coworker - who also happens to be my current roommate. Yesterday while doing a phone interview she was matter of fact, to the point, and there weren't extra words or laughter - no giggles or stories. I thought, how boring, but guess what - she got the job. She had the right hat on.
And while I have no clue why some of the most crabby, unhappy people out there are also the most successful - I am just going to have to suck it up. I am going to have to master my hats. Because as much as I would love the world to take my bubbly happy self seriously. As much as I want them to look at that happy face and think "Now THAT woman can move mountains!" They won't. It's like I told my mohawk sportin', butt hangin' out brother - the world isn't going to take you seriously just because you think they should, you have to show them you are worth taking seriously.
Maybe I did need to calm down a bit. Maybe I do need to show a little more seriousness when taking on tasks in the work place. Maybe I need to reserve the over giddy excitement for certain places. That's okay - because after I have proven my worthiness - that laughter is coming right out, make no mistake!
Several years ago a family member invited a girl over to a family function. At some point during the family function I heard someone say "She's a nice girl, not very bright, but nice," to which I responded "Why isn't she bright?" "She's just giggly" they said. She's giggly, eh? So, someone who giggles a lot must not just be enjoying life or the conversation - they must just be too dim witted to understand what's going on around them so they instead giggle. I mean, there are people who giggle because they don't get it - true. But there are those of us, ahem me, who giggle because of the joyous circumstance of love and life all around them. On to my next point.
After my brain injury I was angry. That is an understatement. Not angry in an oh-why-me kind of way but more like a frontal-lobe-hemorrhage kind of cannot-control-emotions kind of way and a strange thing happened, people liked it. In fact, people from all over told me how much they liked my new found anger. My constant swearing. The random outbursts. The lack of ambition or laughter. People liked my brain damage induced, not at all voluntary, anger. I was listened to more, people enjoyed my company more, and I was even told at one point "now you're more like the rest of us." Oh great, now i'm a bitter whiner who makes excuses rather than happily changes my circumstances - OH JOY! SIKE!
This one was especially hurtful because I had been dating a guy prior to this accident for a year who would tell me that he could not handle me when I got too "giddy" with excitement. That my giggles and laughter were too much. To which I replied "everyone else loves me exactly the way I am, why can't you?" Only to find out that in fact, everyone else found me equally as insufferable at times and needed me to cool it down a notch.
Moving on. The last straw[s] came over the past two years. I have had a job where I have worked along side a wonderful, quite capable, coworker who literally could make mountains move. I, however, can also make mountains move. The difference? Her face shows it. Mine? Shows a giant smile and a hundred decibels of laughter each day at work. When our bosses need something done - they ask her. When I take the initiative and take on a project myself, they shit on it. Not literally but the one big project I took on they literally just didn't use it, or praise it, or do anything to say "We know you can!" In fact, when someone forgets to right a location of a car I am automatically the one blamed. Or when we all arrive late to work somehow the offence is worse because it is me. When there is a promotion at work I can almost see the laughter in their eyes when I suggest that I may want that position. In fact, it is here that it became more apparent than ever that my happy demeanor is seen as incompetence. I am a happy, trusting. naive child - capable of only what I am told, and filling water bottles.
Then came the day, while lamenting to my parents about this fact, that they said "you need to master your hats." Now, I had been told this before - but it was during this time that it truly sank in. I want to laugh, I want to be sooooo happy it makes me cry. I want to greet everyone with the biggest smiles and crack the best jokes. But sometimes you have to wear another hat.
Like my roommate three years ago. At home she was funny and forgetful and sometimes a little too wild, but at work she was a force like no other. She had moved to store manager by the age of 19 and by the age of 21 had been promoted a ton of times. She now makes more than most people who have gone to college - because she understood her hats.
Or that awesome coworker - who also happens to be my current roommate. Yesterday while doing a phone interview she was matter of fact, to the point, and there weren't extra words or laughter - no giggles or stories. I thought, how boring, but guess what - she got the job. She had the right hat on.
And while I have no clue why some of the most crabby, unhappy people out there are also the most successful - I am just going to have to suck it up. I am going to have to master my hats. Because as much as I would love the world to take my bubbly happy self seriously. As much as I want them to look at that happy face and think "Now THAT woman can move mountains!" They won't. It's like I told my mohawk sportin', butt hangin' out brother - the world isn't going to take you seriously just because you think they should, you have to show them you are worth taking seriously.
Maybe I did need to calm down a bit. Maybe I do need to show a little more seriousness when taking on tasks in the work place. Maybe I need to reserve the over giddy excitement for certain places. That's okay - because after I have proven my worthiness - that laughter is coming right out, make no mistake!
Friday, May 23, 2014
Empowerment through . . . sex?
Today I was talking with someone whom I love dearly and the topic somehow turned to Miley Cyrus. I was placing her name in a negative context when I heard a sharp disdain for what I had said. After some back and forth on the subject of her provocative style the conversation led to porn and then somewhere in the disagreement I heard the two referred to as "empowering."
Interesting. The definition of empower is as follows:
Empower: verb - make (someone) stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights.
So, let me get this straight. Taking off your clothes and touching yourself on public television is empowering? Having sex with anyone you want and getting paid to do so is empowering? The fact that you couldn't get anyone to listen to your "amazing" singing voice without becoming a sex symbol is empowering?
I guess it is. I suppose when you take the definition of empowering for what it actually is. Some women do feel stronger, more confident, without any clothes on. Some may feel better about themselves after having sex with someone whose name they can't remember - or who doesn't remember theirs.
While we're on the subject - notice I continue to say "she" but in all actuality, I mean "they." Because I am not only referring to women, but also men. Sexuality in men has not only been celebrated but also accepted in our society. As if a woman is the only one who is supposed to keep her legs shut and remember the names of the people she sleeps with. Why are we not holding men to the same standard?
But maybe that's why women find this behavior empowering. For a man to have his shirt off in public is fine. He can sleep with random women and get away with it. He can be a porn star and nobody refers to how classy he may or may not be. Maybe women feel empowered because they want to be more like men. They want their classless behavior celebrated the way it has been in men. Why? I couldn't tell you.
You know what I think? It's all been said. It's all been done. Anyone can take off their clothes. Anyone can have sex. Anyone can stand on TV with hardly any clothes one, or no clothes on, touch themselves and get a reaction. In fact, sell more albums. Which, in my opinion, is the shock factor really, but that's an entirely different subject. Any man or woman can roll around in the sheets without knowing the name of their partner. It all feels good until you have an STD or a baby.
What's empowering is NOT taking off your clothes and still garnering worldwide fame. Not having sex with random people and demanding the respect you deserve. What really takes confidence and strength is standing out in a crowd of overexposed people with poise and class. It takes real confidence to stand up to those who call you a prude or to remain a timeless figure despite staying true to yourself. To be a man or woman of integrity.
What I find truly empowering is someone who stands up for exactly what they believe in and remains transparent in all of their endeavors - without needing to shock for attention. Without compromising one's beliefs and standards for what will get the most attention at that moment. Or for what will make them most accepted, for that matter.
And hey, if that means standing by your sex symbol and touching yourself on screen because that's who you are and the legacy you'd love to leave - all the power to you.
What I find empowering may not be what someone else finds empowering. I just want those women - who demand attention and respect without needing to shock anyone, those women who could care less when they're not following the crowd, those women who little girls can look up to - to know that I find you empowering. Don't let anyone tell you your "old soul" is a boring soul. That your lack of sex driven antics won't sell. If you've got the talent, they will notice.
In the end, we're all just human, and we're all trying to find happiness. Wherever that may be.
Friday, January 31, 2014
The Overtly Over-Done "Living For The Now" Post
So it's been a good three to six months since I last posted. Quite honestly, a lot has happened since then. For one I have decided that I no longer desire to obtain my DVM degree. After 160 hours of shadowing in a veterinary clinic, I realized it wasn't my dream. I figured, why spend four years and at least a hundred thousand dollars obtaining a degree which I am not passionate about? Which brings me to my next point.
What if I don't have a passion? I mean seriously. The only thing I can recall being whole-heartedly passionate about is having children. I want children - I always have. I want lots of them. But guess what? Sometimes I don't want any. When the magnitude of life and of my own selfish desires trumps any desire to put all my time and energy into multiple human organisms. However, over the past few months while on the job search I have been driven to make every decision based on these unborn children. On the assumption that A. I can have children B. that Anthony and I will actually get married and C. that all our grand plans of me staying at home and home schooling our children will actually line up with God's grand plans.
So, over the past few months I have avoided applying at some places, avoided returning to school, and avoided anything that takes a lot of commitment because why waste my time? After all, I'm having babies in a few years!!!
Well I started to notice that the weight of these decisions is heavy. I am not passionate about anything in particular. I could literally do a plethora of different jobs and be happy. My only desire is that I make enough to live comfortably and that someone hires me because I went to college for four years under this false sense of job security once I obtained my degree.
I ended up emailing a previous teacher of mine. She has three children, she stays at home, and she literally drenches herself in the Lord and his will. Her posts and her blog fill my day with hope and security. She helps me to keep my eye on God and grow in my faith. In my email I asked her if she intended on going back to work after the kids were school age. Her response? Probably. Not yes, not no, not anything but probably.
Probably means most likely, but it leaves room for not happening. It leaves room for change. It leaves room for God.
I then went on to express to her my frustration with life and jobs and not having a passion. Her next response? "Search for a career for your stage in life right now." She then went on to tell me that she and her husband had ideas of what would happen but they took life as it came. Tackling decisions as they arose and seeking Gods guidance in all of their endeavors.
So what does this mean? Obviously I need to live for now. Not tomorrow or next year or ten years from now. But now. And not in that YOLO kind of drug abusing, law breaking lifestyle of never making arrangements for future endeavors and only thinking of this moment, but more that not ruling anything out and really going for it right now kind of way.
I am a girl who thrives on goals and plans. If I feel that I am working toward something I am literally giddy with life. It is when I become complacent or stagnant that I begin to suffer. Thus my problem with always needing something in the future to work toward. However, nobody ever said the future had to mean five years from now. The future is literally a minute from now. What is my goal for ten minutes from now? What job would I love to do now?
Besides, they've done studies well over a mile long on the benefits of focusing on where you are in life, the now, rather than where you project your life to be in ten years. The truth is, I can be anything I want. I can continue applying for jobs with my current degree. I can go back and get some sort of technical degree. I can do anything - without fear of the future.
I've known this for years. I've learned it a hundred times. I've also needed to be reminded of it a hundred more. It's okay to let go - not to take life so seriously.
To live for the stage of life I am at right in this moment. So I'm going to work on it. I'm going to seek God's guidance and then follow that path - because who knows? And who cares.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
The End of an Adventure! Or is it . . .
Apparently I have been so caught up in my life-loving-bliss that I have failed to blog for a whopping 3.25 months! In my absence I failed to close out one very important chapter which I so diligently talked about for several months - my One Year Challenge.
My year challenge of devoting myself to solidifying my relationship with God and steering clear of dating ended on July 14th. However, as most of you know, I did not steer clear of dating. In fact, I fell madly, deeply in love with a friend whom I have known for four years. He moved here to Minnesota on May 31st of this year - hmm and my last blog was May 28th ;)
In closing out my year challenge, two months late, would like to divulge two very important lessons I learned through my year of discovery.
One. Although my year was meant to be spent staying away from dating and devoting myself to only God and me, I am so thankful that I did not do so. Although I chose to pursue my relationship with Anthony, I did not neglect my studies. In fact, Anthony and I took part in deep discussions concerning the God-centered relationship material I was reading. He gave me ideas on how to interpret the information and I helped him to understand where I was learning some of my super outdated ways of thinking. I mean, who knew that the keys to a good relationship were communication, listening, not putting the other person down, allowing each other their own personal space, and trusting one another? As well as forgiveness, sweet forgiveness. Who knew that complete authenticity could bring two people so close to one another? We are so utterly at ease with one another, it sometimes scares me. The things I can say, the way we can act, surprises nor bothers either of us. When we have something on our mind, we can both reference past materials or discussions we had about how to handle the situation. We are on the same page.
I truly believe that had I chose to venture on that journey myself, and then met someone, I would have found myself at a completely different point in life than the person with whom I was trying to build a relationship. I would have had to try to remember an entire year of studying and then try to relay that to the person I found myself in a relationship with. And as most of us who have ever been in school know - who the heck ever remembers an entire year of information? Which brings me to my next point.
To truly know and understand relationships, to really know how to handle situations and practice healthy relationship techniques takes way more than a year. It takes an entire life time. It takes more than reading a book once, you must continue to read it, to search for more material. To read that, to talk about it, to understand it, and to read it again. It takes situations you both encounter time and time again, acting out in a negative way, internalizing your mistake, and trying to do it better the next time. It takes learning what works with your partner, no matter what a book says. I love the basis that the year gave both of us in this relationship, I am a much different person now in my relationship than I was in any previous one.
Two. Much like you cannot solidify your knowledge of relationships in a year, nor can you solidify your relationship with God. Like your relationship with your partner, this takes a life time. A lifetime of learning, searching, and studying. My relationship with God is ever growing, changing, and broadening. My understanding of the scripture will change with every situation in my life. I will have to read, re read, and continue to read the Bible and various other texts to grasp and continue to grasp my walk with Jesus. Anthony and I will have to continue inserting God in the center of our relationship to ensure that God truly is the heart and soul of our relationship, but this takes more than a year - it takes a life time.
So while I may have come here to close out an adventure, a chapter in my life, I realized that my adventure - that chapter - is really just beginning.
My year challenge of devoting myself to solidifying my relationship with God and steering clear of dating ended on July 14th. However, as most of you know, I did not steer clear of dating. In fact, I fell madly, deeply in love with a friend whom I have known for four years. He moved here to Minnesota on May 31st of this year - hmm and my last blog was May 28th ;)
In closing out my year challenge, two months late, would like to divulge two very important lessons I learned through my year of discovery.
One. Although my year was meant to be spent staying away from dating and devoting myself to only God and me, I am so thankful that I did not do so. Although I chose to pursue my relationship with Anthony, I did not neglect my studies. In fact, Anthony and I took part in deep discussions concerning the God-centered relationship material I was reading. He gave me ideas on how to interpret the information and I helped him to understand where I was learning some of my super outdated ways of thinking. I mean, who knew that the keys to a good relationship were communication, listening, not putting the other person down, allowing each other their own personal space, and trusting one another? As well as forgiveness, sweet forgiveness. Who knew that complete authenticity could bring two people so close to one another? We are so utterly at ease with one another, it sometimes scares me. The things I can say, the way we can act, surprises nor bothers either of us. When we have something on our mind, we can both reference past materials or discussions we had about how to handle the situation. We are on the same page.
I truly believe that had I chose to venture on that journey myself, and then met someone, I would have found myself at a completely different point in life than the person with whom I was trying to build a relationship. I would have had to try to remember an entire year of studying and then try to relay that to the person I found myself in a relationship with. And as most of us who have ever been in school know - who the heck ever remembers an entire year of information? Which brings me to my next point.
To truly know and understand relationships, to really know how to handle situations and practice healthy relationship techniques takes way more than a year. It takes an entire life time. It takes more than reading a book once, you must continue to read it, to search for more material. To read that, to talk about it, to understand it, and to read it again. It takes situations you both encounter time and time again, acting out in a negative way, internalizing your mistake, and trying to do it better the next time. It takes learning what works with your partner, no matter what a book says. I love the basis that the year gave both of us in this relationship, I am a much different person now in my relationship than I was in any previous one.
Two. Much like you cannot solidify your knowledge of relationships in a year, nor can you solidify your relationship with God. Like your relationship with your partner, this takes a life time. A lifetime of learning, searching, and studying. My relationship with God is ever growing, changing, and broadening. My understanding of the scripture will change with every situation in my life. I will have to read, re read, and continue to read the Bible and various other texts to grasp and continue to grasp my walk with Jesus. Anthony and I will have to continue inserting God in the center of our relationship to ensure that God truly is the heart and soul of our relationship, but this takes more than a year - it takes a life time.
So while I may have come here to close out an adventure, a chapter in my life, I realized that my adventure - that chapter - is really just beginning.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The Sins of the Father
I haven't been inspired at Church enough lately to write a blog post - that or I've been too lazy. But here I am!
This Sunday I went to Church in Texas, at a place called The Current, with a couple friends of mine and they were wrapping up a sermon series about baggage. Baggage from the past that carries over and penetrates our relationships with our children, our significant others, and our friends.
I was intrigued, to say the least, because we all have baggage - and at times we feel we have more than anyone else. However, they started out the sermon with a video depicting what happened that fateful day in the Garden of Eden when sin was introduced into the world. I was confused. What did this have to do with baggage? It didn't help that I wasn't a big fan of the depiction but that's besides the point. Eventually the movie ended and the pastor pointed out that baggage had come into the world within the first few chapters of the history of man. It was inevitable.
As my boyfriend put it - we had ONE RULE!
Adam and Eve broke that rule, introducing all that we have come to deal with on a daily basis. Again, this is besides the point.
Then the pastor asked "What does sin have to do with baggage?" Thank you, mister obvious, we were all quite confused.
Well, he continued, sin is three different things. Two of which I can't remember to be honest, but one that resonated with me. Sin, above all, carries over. He stated that we are punished for the sins of our father. He then pointed out that in the new testament not as much but plenty of times in the old testament we are told of punishment reverberating across generations of man for what one people did. Which prompted me to look up Ezekiel, in the old testament, and show my friend where in Ezekiel 18:17 it states " He will not die for his father's sins; he will surely live."
I was so bothered by what the pastor had said, I brought it up during lunch, where we had a lengthy conversation which cleared things up for me.
We are punished for the sins of each other. Not so much with life and death - that we earn for ourselves. However, we are greatly affected by what is done to us, even if not by us. The pastor used our parents transgressions as an example, as well as abusive relationships.
We are not in control of how our parents raised us or the sins they committed. We are not in control of those who abuse us. But we are in control of how we handle that.
Sin carries over from their lives, into our own. We have the choice to learn from it and do the opposite, to treat others differently, to live a life for Jesus, to repent when we know we've done wrong. We have the choice to let it go and to move on. Not only for ourselves, but for our children and our significant others.
I am greatly affected by the transgressions of my parents. How they chose to treat each other in their marriage. How they chose to live their lives. The choices they made. The sins they committed.
However, it is my choice not to repeat their mistakes. To sin myself - because we all sin. But to find it in God to forgive those sins. It is up to me to leave the baggage behind and not carry it into my relationship with Anthony and later my children.
Because my choices will affect my children - and how they perceive what is okay and what is not okay. The way I sin will have a lasting affect on how my children handle situations. Each of their first encounters with a situation will be met with reflection on what their mom and dad did. When I tell them what is and is not okay they may ask what I have done in that situation. I can make, and hope that I have made, good decisions in most aspects of my life. Because my choices pave the way for their choices.
They can choose to follow in my foot steps or pave their own way.
Friday, April 26, 2013
The Illusion of Injury
You can't remember the moment it happened, nor the moments before.
The hours and even the days after have long since been hidden in time, far from memory.
Yet, it's all in your head.
Anger and frustration have crept into the crevices once reserved for contemplation
Moments of manic giddiness have found it hard to get connected
Instead fatigue has decided to set up shop
And you wonder whether it's the medical bills which have begun stacking on your desk
Or the second job you've gotten just to pay them
That has made your once endless energy plummet
You go from the girl who got through the day with 6 hours of sleep
So hyper energetic, people were thrust into instant sleepiness just looking at you
To the girl practically half asleep after her third cup of coffee and 8 hours of sleep
And it ain't even noon
People point out the obvious character changes
Their glances remind you that you've said something abnormal
As if you don't know
An explanation of the situation always yeilds the same response
You're just over thinking it
And you believe them
You begin to feel frustrated and then angry
Not with the situation, but rather with yourself
Because perhaps if you weren't blaming your injury
You'd be fine
Perhaps if you pretended it never happened
It would be as if it never did
Moments of utter emotion, those of which you cannot explain
Days when you know the anger toiling in your soul is not vindicated
Attempts to stifle those feelings, to no avail
You think back to the moments you scoffed in the face of another
Listening to them bicker and blame their unseen illness
And you realize, what is not seen is often felt much deeper than imagined
Much deeper than their head
You think that if you never say it out loud
That it isn't real
Saying it means facing it
And facing it means succumbing to it
They remind you of how lucky you are
As if you don't know
As if you don't understand and thank God every day
Maybe it's only to stifle the emotion they're sick of hearing
The same one you're sick of feeling
You wonder if you even have a right to feel anything
It's writing a "b" that doesn't look like a b
Sitting there helplessly
As someone tells you that it is in fact a b
but it never takes shape in your mind
Denying that it could be anything other than silly confusion
Even in the face of your doctors
Who tell you to take it easy, it's an injury
But you don't believe them
Because it's all in your head
You learn to love the new parts of yourself
To work on the parts you could do without
To internalize feelings that no one wants to hear
And you laugh
You laugh at the irony
When people tell you it's all in your head
These moments severed in time
Removed from your memory
The hours and even the days after have long since been hidden in time, far from memory.
Yet, it's all in your head.
Anger and frustration have crept into the crevices once reserved for contemplation
Moments of manic giddiness have found it hard to get connected
Instead fatigue has decided to set up shop
And you wonder whether it's the medical bills which have begun stacking on your desk
Or the second job you've gotten just to pay them
That has made your once endless energy plummet
You go from the girl who got through the day with 6 hours of sleep
So hyper energetic, people were thrust into instant sleepiness just looking at you
To the girl practically half asleep after her third cup of coffee and 8 hours of sleep
And it ain't even noon
People point out the obvious character changes
Their glances remind you that you've said something abnormal
As if you don't know
An explanation of the situation always yeilds the same response
You're just over thinking it
And you believe them
You begin to feel frustrated and then angry
Not with the situation, but rather with yourself
Because perhaps if you weren't blaming your injury
You'd be fine
Perhaps if you pretended it never happened
It would be as if it never did
Moments of utter emotion, those of which you cannot explain
Days when you know the anger toiling in your soul is not vindicated
Attempts to stifle those feelings, to no avail
You think back to the moments you scoffed in the face of another
Listening to them bicker and blame their unseen illness
And you realize, what is not seen is often felt much deeper than imagined
Much deeper than their head
You think that if you never say it out loud
That it isn't real
Saying it means facing it
And facing it means succumbing to it
They remind you of how lucky you are
As if you don't know
As if you don't understand and thank God every day
Maybe it's only to stifle the emotion they're sick of hearing
The same one you're sick of feeling
You wonder if you even have a right to feel anything
It's writing a "b" that doesn't look like a b
Sitting there helplessly
As someone tells you that it is in fact a b
but it never takes shape in your mind
Denying that it could be anything other than silly confusion
Even in the face of your doctors
Who tell you to take it easy, it's an injury
But you don't believe them
Because it's all in your head
You learn to love the new parts of yourself
To work on the parts you could do without
To internalize feelings that no one wants to hear
And you laugh
You laugh at the irony
When people tell you it's all in your head
These moments severed in time
Removed from your memory
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Decisions Leading to Circumstances
I've been thinking a lot lately about the role we play in our own circumstances. I listen intently [I know, surprising] as people explain how life keeps knocking them down, how they can never get ahead, and how unfair God is in his plans.
And while all this may be true, I wonder how we can turn that around. Here are a few theories.
God does give us a bad hand from time to time, sometimes many at once, however there is nothing dealt to us which we cannot handle. How different could our circumstances be if we changed our attitudes or the way in which we conduct ourselves?
Many times, these same people [including myself] fail to realize the decisions they've made that have lead them to this point in their lives. How many of us take a good look at how we spend our money? How we save our money? Or the job we've chosen? I understand that to have a job is a blessing - and if that is the only job you can find, ask yourself if you chose to live above the rent you can afford. Ask yourself whether you need to buy a 6 pack of beer each night. Ask yourself whether getting your hair done every 6 weeks or your nails done every 3 is really something you can afford.
In fact, add these things up. How much are you spending on superfluous things when it's hard to even pay the electricity bill each month?
Next we face savings. A lot of times when life knocks us on our ass - it happens to cost money. We may ask "where on Earth am I supposed to come up with that?" When the question should be, why wasn't I putting more money into savings? If we saved more of our money, life would be a lot less daunting when it hit us with some huge financial punch. We'd simply dip into our savings and pay whatever it is off. That being said - emergency savings are just that, emergency funds - I pretend the money in my savings account isn't real money at all. It doesn't exist. It's simply a number on my computer screen when I sign into my account. I cannot spend it, it is not real.That means it's not there for my nails, or my hair, or that cute purse. It's not there for that last minute concert, or for 6 bathing suits for one vacation. It doesn't exist.
What a fun sucker, right? Well - I have a solution. I had been reading lately about having multiple bank accounts - one for fixed expenses, which for me comprises 98% of what I make, making savings difficult - but necessary. Next is for emergency funds, and then - wait for it - fun money! This money is the ONLY money that can be spent on fun like nails, clothes, or vacations. Which percentage of savings is allotted to emergency and to fun depends on you - just remember, your decisions now effect your stress level later when life gives you lemons.
This requires not only a spending change, but an attitude change. If every time we put money into savings we feel sad that we can't spend it. Or if each time we put something back we're depressed. Or if each time we have to pay off an emergency we get angry - obviously saving will feel terrible. However if we tilt that attitude to smiling every time we save up because we get to go on an awesome vacation next year, or when the car breaks down we KNOW we have money put away, it's actually a wonderful feeling!!
Someone leaves us or does us wrong. We lose our job. All of these things seem to happen to us, not as a result of our own doing. However, how many of us failed to work on each aspect of our relationship while we were in them? People are making fun of me for reading relationship books and watching sermons/seminars on relationship building. Anthony and I watch some of them together, and talk about our ideas later. Silly us! Trying to solidify something that could potentially become life long!
I know this seems to be a simplistic view on changing circumstances. However I disagree. I truly believe life is only 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do about it. It obviously doesn't happen over night, but if we continue to live life as we always have - with the same attitudes and the same spending habits - we'll continue to have the same problems when life knocks us down.
We only have today to change our tomorrows. It won't happen over night, but ask yourself if you've been doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results - and then change it!! :)
And while all this may be true, I wonder how we can turn that around. Here are a few theories.
God does give us a bad hand from time to time, sometimes many at once, however there is nothing dealt to us which we cannot handle. How different could our circumstances be if we changed our attitudes or the way in which we conduct ourselves?
Many times, these same people [including myself] fail to realize the decisions they've made that have lead them to this point in their lives. How many of us take a good look at how we spend our money? How we save our money? Or the job we've chosen? I understand that to have a job is a blessing - and if that is the only job you can find, ask yourself if you chose to live above the rent you can afford. Ask yourself whether you need to buy a 6 pack of beer each night. Ask yourself whether getting your hair done every 6 weeks or your nails done every 3 is really something you can afford.
In fact, add these things up. How much are you spending on superfluous things when it's hard to even pay the electricity bill each month?
Next we face savings. A lot of times when life knocks us on our ass - it happens to cost money. We may ask "where on Earth am I supposed to come up with that?" When the question should be, why wasn't I putting more money into savings? If we saved more of our money, life would be a lot less daunting when it hit us with some huge financial punch. We'd simply dip into our savings and pay whatever it is off. That being said - emergency savings are just that, emergency funds - I pretend the money in my savings account isn't real money at all. It doesn't exist. It's simply a number on my computer screen when I sign into my account. I cannot spend it, it is not real.That means it's not there for my nails, or my hair, or that cute purse. It's not there for that last minute concert, or for 6 bathing suits for one vacation. It doesn't exist.
What a fun sucker, right? Well - I have a solution. I had been reading lately about having multiple bank accounts - one for fixed expenses, which for me comprises 98% of what I make, making savings difficult - but necessary. Next is for emergency funds, and then - wait for it - fun money! This money is the ONLY money that can be spent on fun like nails, clothes, or vacations. Which percentage of savings is allotted to emergency and to fun depends on you - just remember, your decisions now effect your stress level later when life gives you lemons.
This requires not only a spending change, but an attitude change. If every time we put money into savings we feel sad that we can't spend it. Or if each time we put something back we're depressed. Or if each time we have to pay off an emergency we get angry - obviously saving will feel terrible. However if we tilt that attitude to smiling every time we save up because we get to go on an awesome vacation next year, or when the car breaks down we KNOW we have money put away, it's actually a wonderful feeling!!
Someone leaves us or does us wrong. We lose our job. All of these things seem to happen to us, not as a result of our own doing. However, how many of us failed to work on each aspect of our relationship while we were in them? People are making fun of me for reading relationship books and watching sermons/seminars on relationship building. Anthony and I watch some of them together, and talk about our ideas later. Silly us! Trying to solidify something that could potentially become life long!
I know this seems to be a simplistic view on changing circumstances. However I disagree. I truly believe life is only 10% what happens to us and 90% what we do about it. It obviously doesn't happen over night, but if we continue to live life as we always have - with the same attitudes and the same spending habits - we'll continue to have the same problems when life knocks us down.
We only have today to change our tomorrows. It won't happen over night, but ask yourself if you've been doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results - and then change it!! :)
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Wedding over Marriage
I stumbled upon a Yahoo article about a couple who had been married 73 years before the man, Pop Pop, died. Their granddaughters, along with the woman, Cutie, decided to write a book about their love - titled How To Fall in Love for Life. Naturally, I bought the book and naturally, I am hooked.
While reading the chapter on their marriage I was surprised to read what their wedding entailed. Not only did they wed after only 5 months but their wedding was a traditional, simplistic wedding. One in which Cutie's father planned - one where they only knew about 30 of the 130 guests in attendance. She didn't pick out her dress, nor did she pick out the menu. Obviously they didn't choose the guest list either.
She points out that today, they wrote the book in 2012, weddings become a huge headache. Often times the details muddle what the day is truly about. It's about two people coming together in love - to become one, to build a life together.
They got married in 1937, after only knowing one another for 5 months. Yet they lasted 73 years before one of them died. Besides all of the wonderful advice she gives about accepting your partner for who they are and taking time to yourself when you get too angry - she points out that she could have cared less if her napkins matched the groomsmen's socks - because that's not what a wedding is about.
I wonder how different marriages would be, how different the divorce rate would be, if we went into a wedding with the goal of marriage in mind rather than impressing everyone in attendance with our fancy table settings.
I wonder when the wedding became all about the woman and never about the man involved. When they decided to sit back and watch as their future wife took over everything. I wonder what it would be like to make every decision together - or at least most of them - just as you would once married.
How different would a marriage be if planning for the wedding was a practice run for marriage?
I understand that many people say that those people stuck it out even if they weren't happy - and today we believe in our own happiness 100 percent of the time - and I haven't gotten to the chapter on their hardships, but i'm sure there were many.
Maybe the difference is that they saw themselves as two children going in to a life together, learning together, and growing together - always with the other's best interest in mind. They made it work - because they were both brand new, they were both just as scared, but they were both just as thrilled.
And two became one. . .
While reading the chapter on their marriage I was surprised to read what their wedding entailed. Not only did they wed after only 5 months but their wedding was a traditional, simplistic wedding. One in which Cutie's father planned - one where they only knew about 30 of the 130 guests in attendance. She didn't pick out her dress, nor did she pick out the menu. Obviously they didn't choose the guest list either.
She points out that today, they wrote the book in 2012, weddings become a huge headache. Often times the details muddle what the day is truly about. It's about two people coming together in love - to become one, to build a life together.
They got married in 1937, after only knowing one another for 5 months. Yet they lasted 73 years before one of them died. Besides all of the wonderful advice she gives about accepting your partner for who they are and taking time to yourself when you get too angry - she points out that she could have cared less if her napkins matched the groomsmen's socks - because that's not what a wedding is about.
I wonder how different marriages would be, how different the divorce rate would be, if we went into a wedding with the goal of marriage in mind rather than impressing everyone in attendance with our fancy table settings.
I wonder when the wedding became all about the woman and never about the man involved. When they decided to sit back and watch as their future wife took over everything. I wonder what it would be like to make every decision together - or at least most of them - just as you would once married.
How different would a marriage be if planning for the wedding was a practice run for marriage?
I understand that many people say that those people stuck it out even if they weren't happy - and today we believe in our own happiness 100 percent of the time - and I haven't gotten to the chapter on their hardships, but i'm sure there were many.
Maybe the difference is that they saw themselves as two children going in to a life together, learning together, and growing together - always with the other's best interest in mind. They made it work - because they were both brand new, they were both just as scared, but they were both just as thrilled.
And two became one. . .
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Religion vs. God
I stayed home from church today and instead watched a sermon from Andy Stanley, titled Intimacy with God. It's funny because the part that stuck out to me most was when he brought up religion versus true intimacy with God. Most Christians abhor religion as much as the nonbelievers - however it never occurred to me how religious I could be.
Andy started out by asking us to imagine a situation where we yearned for a deeper more meaningful relationship with another person - be it a husband, wife, brother, sister, parent, friend - anyone. We give one hundred percent of ourselves only to be stiff armed every time we try to get closer. God is that person, trying desperately to get closer to us. We've opted for religion over intimacy with God.
Religion teaches respect for God. We learn the formula. Get up, go to church, don't swear, say 50 hail Marys, fast for lent, etc. But religion leads to two things - self centered and judgmental people. Religion teaches us to judge, because we "know what God is looking for" in other Christians. So we judge those people and in turn begin to hate them. Religion teaches us that if we do a b and c we will get d. We become selfish. If only I do this, God will give me this.
Then when we don't get what we want, we are surprised, we get angry with God because "the God I believe in wouldn't have let that happen" - but we don't really know him.
Some of the greatest pain comes from religious people. In John 6:2-3 Jesus tells his followers that religious people will "put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service. 3 And these things will they do unto you, because they have not known the Father, nor me." They commit acts based on what the church has told them God wants.
The sad part is, I became one of the religious people in that moment. I thought of several people who have judged and condemned me because of what they "believed" God wanted of me. Because of what they thought a good Christian should consist of. And then something amazing happened, I hated them. In that moment I felt disgusted and instead of doing what Jesus calls us to do, I did what religion calls me to do - I hated rather than loved my neighbor based on their actions. I did the very thing that I hated in that moment.
I want intimacy with God. Which Andy points out requires three things: time, transparency, and submission. Time uninterrupted, prayers not littered by politeness but instead by the absolute truth because God knows the truth, he just wants it to come from us, and giving one hundred percent of ourselves through submission. A truly intimate relationship, with God or with man, requires that we put the other persons needs in front of our own all the time - and God has already done that for us.
I want to continue my life in a constant and passionate pursuit of intimacy with God. I want to know Him, not just what religion tells me, but who the Father really is. I want to give all of me as he has given all of him. And I want to show the world the love that Jesus sought, not the condemnation that has forced so many out of the church.
I want more than ever to be closer to God.
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